With a second attempt on her life in less than three months, it seems that actress Hilary Duff’s crappy music inspires murderous rage the world over. According to Canada.com:

Police officers moved quickly to take down a man who allegedly threatened to kill pop star Hilary Duff during her appearance on a Canadian TV show. Duff was being interviewed Tuesday by MuchMusic when a man in the crowd outside the studio started shouting at the 19-year-old star. According to an eyewitness, the unidentified man vowed to kill Duff, prompting several police officers to tackle him. “The cops slammed his face into the pavement,” said photographer Todd Gillis, who witnessed the incident. “He was bleeding.”

And yet Justin Timberlake parades about unscathed and unstabbed. Where were all the crazies when “Sexy/Back” was released? I had to camp out in the dumpster behind his apartment building for three whole weeks before I got a shot at him. Sitting in garbage with a jar of your own urine and two pounds of beef jerky isn’t exactly fucking Mardi Gras, but it was worth it to see him cowering when I chucked that jar of tinkle at him. The jar shattered close enough to mist him with urine, so he just stood there screaming and fanning himself indignantly until one of his assistants wiped the spatter from his sunglasses. Then he slapped his assistant for touching his $800 Prada sunglasses and demanded a Cosmopolitan and this month’s issue of “Home and Garden” on the lanai. But the assisant slipped me a twenty when Justin pranced inside and told me to come back in few weeks — only this time with feces. Done and done, my friends!

More of the meltdown after the jump

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Word on the street is that Britney Spears is back on the booze again. MSNBC reports:

The recently rehabbed star is already back on the bottle, according to the upcoming issue of In Touch. The singer “tossed back glasses of wine” at a friend’s Beverly Hills condo on April 14… and was later spotted at Parc, where she had more wine. The next day, she went to the Japanese restaurant Shu Sushi, where she allegedly drank sake. “Brit feels like she can have a few drinks,” a friend tells the mag. “She feels like as long as she’s having fun and not hurting anyone, she doesn’t need rehab.”

That “as long as you’re having fun” rule of thumb isn’t as foolproof as you’d think. Like, I was having plenty of fun driving my car ninety miles an hour down an country road after two bottles of Wild Irish Rose and a little blow, and I was still having fun when the hot guy in the uniform pulled me out of the car and groped me. It started to get slightly less fun when he tried to get me to do this really complicated “hold your arms out and touch your nose and then walk a straight line” kind of dance, but since I never took cotillion or learned the Electric Slide, I just pulled up my top and yelled, “HEEEEYYY… Macarena!” The fun stopped when my nose got bloodied on the asphalt and I found myself in handcuffs. Sometimes “having fun” is most compelling reason to visit rehab of all.

Just when you thought I’d run out of ways to make fun of Kirsten Dunst, she shows up to the “Spider-Man 3″ photocall in Madrid wearing only her undertunic without the tabard or the outer cloak! What an idiot!

Really, if I’m supposed to take her seriously as Jedi, she could at least put on the cummerbund and the gi top like Obi Wan Kenobi here. Is she supposed to be from the ‘Early Republic’ era or what? Jedi Poodoo! You don’t find that kind of sloppiness at The Chosen One’s Arena Re-enactor’s Guild and Jedi Council Forums. That’s why we’ve already passed a proposal forbidding Kirsten from ever joining. Try not. Do or do not — there is no try!

More of Kirsten in Madrid after the jump

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A reason other than Rachel Zoe NOT to do meth. NSFW (Totally Crap)

Ryan Gosling hops on the “biggest thing in Hollywood since mental retardation” in the hopes you’ll take him seriously. (Pajiba)

Britney Spears’ nipple pops out. (Egotastic)

Scarlett Johansson eats the concrete. (Hollywood Tuna)

Lindsay Lohan kicks it old school for Nylon magazine. (Popoholic)

Reese Witherspoon is pissed at Jake Gyllenhaal. (IDLYITW)

Surgically-enhanced ’singer’ Ashlee Simpson opens up about how much she loves herself in next month’s issue of Harper’s Bazaar. People magazine reports:

The singer, 22, tells Harper’s Bazaar in its May issue, “… I’m happy with my looks. I loved how I looked [before]. I’m not an insecure person. I believe if somebody chooses to do plastic surgery, it [should be] for yourself, not for anyone else. When you go home to sleep at night, [the important thing] is to feel good about yourself. And I do.”

Hearing about Ashlee “loving herself” isn’t nearly as sexy as it sounds, is it? You were thinking along the lines of scented candles and The Rabbit; you got “Daily Affirmations” with Stuart Smalley instead. Doggone it, people like me! But it’s good to have a positive self-image. Like before, when I was a man, I loved myself. And I love myself even now that there’s a gaping hole where my balls used to be and hormone-produced breasts instead of chest hair. Do I love myself even when people call me a “disgusting freak of nature” and “hideous tranny monster?” You betcha. And of course by the “love myself” there I meant “masturbate,” which I find scatters an angry mob just as good as releasing some tear gas.

More of Captain Self-Esteem in the May issue of Harper’s Bazaar after the jump

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“Girls Gone Wild” douche Joe Francis is facing the long, meaty phallus that is karma and metaphorically spreading his cheeks for the Florida penal system. According to TMZ:

Yesterday, Francis’ lawyer begged District Court Judge Richard Smoak to cut his 35-day sentence on federal contempt of court charges to 30 (having jail time of over 30 days on his record would change the sentencing guidelines in his federal case should he be convicted on tax evasion charges and could tack on up to a year of extra time in a federal penitentiary as a result). Judge Smoak left the sentence at 35 days.

In the grand scheme of things, [one year] might not really matter for Francis, who faces up to 100 years in Florida prison if convicted on all the felony charges he faces in that state, including use of a underage child in sexual performance and bringing contraband cash and drugs into a county jail cell.

In a world of Paris Hiltons unpunished and Lindsay Lohans unbeaten, it warms my heart to see celebrity justice served. Never was a hundred years of ass-raping so well-deserved. If they could tack on maybe cutting out one of his eyes and letting Mack the Serial Stabber skull-fuck him until his brain hemmorhaged, then I could sleep safe in my bed at night, knowing that one more government-swindling sexual predator would be off our streets. And also, I think there’d be something ironic about his being poked in the brain by a giant penis. Irony can be pret-ty damn hilarious some times.

Rosie O’Donnell’s time on the morning talk show “The View” may be coming to an end. According to TMZ:

There is a strong buzz in Hollywood that Rosie O’Donnell will announce Wednesday (April 25th) that she is leaving “The View.” If it happens, it’s likely Rosie will stick it out through the end of the season. Multiple industry people say… the info emanated from inside the show itself. Rosie’s rep could not be reached for comment.

I vaguely remember a time when Rosie O’Donnell was deemed “The Queen of Nice” and had one of the highest rated talk shows on television. And now she’s a disgusting dyke behemoth who paws at her crotch in public and writes crappy poems blaming Americans for 9/11. She could come out on ‘The View’ tomorrow swinging a sickle and hammer and wearing a shirt that said “Blame the Great Satan” and not sully her image at all. Really, at this point, the only way she could seem any more offensive is if she could set fire to a puppy and masturbated with it in front of some orphans and kids with cancer. And then laughed maniacally ever time the puppy yelped or one of the kids on chemo threw up.

UPDATE: (from TMZ) “TMZ has now confirmed the buzz that we exclusively reported last night: Rosie O’Donnell will announce on today’s show that she is leaving “The View.” And TMZ has confirmed that “View” honchos are already searching for her replacement.”

So I did a little follow-up research on Jessica Biel’s ass, and it turns out that:

1. She is NOT playing fetch with her dog

2. She is NOT playing croquet

3. She is also NOT wearing a bra

Apparently, Mercedes-Benz likes to sponsor something called a ‘polo challenge,’ an event where fancy people can sit around swilling port and smoking expensive cigars and saying things like “lovey” and “dahling” and “I mistakenly made direct eye contact with a commoner.” Not to mention front-row seats to Jessica Biel’s ass and investment options out the wazoo. I’d be bitter, but I have porn and Klonopin and uppity commoners to keep me company.

More ass-tastic Biel at the Mercedes Benz Polo Challenge after the jump

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Amanda Bynes goes blonde. (The Bastardly)

Tom Cruise gives the best surprise presents. (Celebitchy)

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minillo move in together. (About: Celebrity Gossip)

Kim Basinger didn’t leak the voicemail. (The Blemish)

Sheryl Crow doesn’t have a square to spare. (CelebNewsWire)

Jane Fonda hates Lindsay Lohan. (Socialite Life)

More paparazzi jump on board the “Sue Perez Hilton” bandwagon. (Jossip)

There’s a book out now claiming that several big name musicians had interactions with aliens back in the late sixties. Among them: Mick Jagger, John Lennon, and Keith Richards. According to The Post-Chronicle:

Michael C. Luckman - author of ‘Alien Rock: The Rock ‘n’ Roll Extraterrestrial Connection’ - says [Mick Jagger] developed an interest in extraterrestrial phenomena after a close encounter of the third kind in the 60s. Luckman [said]: “Mick Jagger has been very involved with the subject of UFOs for many years. In 1968 he… encountered a… luminous cigar-shaped mothership. Mick [also] had a UFO detector installed at his British estate.” Jagger also sighted a UFO over the crowd during their infamous 1969 Altamont Concert in California.

[Stones'] guitarist Keith Richards has also admitted to “seeing a few”. Beatles legend John Lennon is another musician who has experienced personal contact with beings from another planet. Luckman said: “John Lennon was apparently given a small egg shaped metallic-looking object which he in turn gave to Uri Geller the psychic. He claimed he had been given it by an extraterrestrial. Interestingly, this all happened less than a year before he was assassinated.”

It’s comforting to know that the alien beings at least have good taste in music. I can’t imagine what kind of alien bastard would be taking over Earth if they had chosen to hit up Celine Dion and Tom Jones. The aliens would probably just go ahead and mow us down with ray guns to put us out of our misery. “What is this high-frequency trilling, Ak-Bar 2? Some sort of auditory mind-controlling device? It greatly motivates me to self-destruct.” “Perhaps we should spare the earth civilization from this kind of psychokinetic mass suicide.” “Affirmative. Then we should get high and watch ‘Old School.’ High five!”

Rosie O’Donnell reciprocated Donald Trump’s gift of giant panties by swearing and grabbing her genitals while bashing him at an women’s awards show. Page Six reports:

Rosie O’Donnell’s [crass] humor made faces red when she emceed the Matrix Awards in front of 2,000 of New York’s most accomplished women in media. The loose-lipped lesbian dropped the F-bomb as Barbara Walters lowered her head… and covered her face with her hand. O’Donnell concluded a rant about Donald Trump by grabbing her crotch and shouting, “Eat me! It was always my dream to give an old, bald billionaire a boner.”

Also on hand were 17 sweet-faced high school girls who won scholarships to pursue their dreams of careers in media.

If I had a quarter for every time I grabbed a handful of my puss in front of underage girls, I’d be Bill fucking Gates by now. Only no one ever gives me quarters when I do it. They give me the “right to remain silent” or a “billy club to the kidneys.” But when Rosie does it, everyone thinks it’s great. Tell me how that’s fucking fair. Talk about double standards!

It’s baffling, but somehow Britney Spears dressed like a cowgirl hooker is an improvement from last week. And the week before that. Just not having three or four extra chins and a beer gut is a huge step in the right direction for Britney. That said, you try walking around at night dressed like a rodeo prostitute without getting urinated on by a hobo or picked up by the cops. I give you less than an hour before you wake up in a sewer drain with a bleeding anus.

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