El Cantante premiered in New York last night — and here are the red carpet photos of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. As you can see, J. Lo commits fashion atrocity by unwisely pairing a taffeta 1976 prom dress with matching, caked on salmon colored lipstick. Rat Face, on the other hand, plays it safe by just sniveling around in the background — while the paparazzi collectively avoids him like the herpes.

To the untrained eye, it may not be clear that Rat Face was even in attendance at all, so I’ve taken the liberty of drawing these helpful arrows pointing him out — more after the jump!

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Nicole Richie is set to appear in court today to cop a plea in her DUI case, and from the sound of it, she’s gonna be boarding the incarceration express! Choo Choo! TMZ Reports:

Sources tell TMZ Richie will plead either guilty or no contest to DUI. She will appear before the Court Commissioner, who will sentence her on the spot. Sources say Richie will receive a minimum sentence of five days in jail. By law, anyone with two DUI convictions must serve at least five days. This conviction will be Nicole’s second DUI.

Wow, I don’t know what’s worse about this — getting knocked up to avoid jail time only to find out your Pregnancy Card just went right the fuck out the window, or having Joel Madden’s queer-o baby in the first place. I hope those five days in jail give her time to reflect on how she’s going to be the mother of the only toddler on the playground getting his ass kicked for wearing black nail polish.

Update: Richie pleaded guilty, and her sentence is four days in jail with credit for time served.

Evidence, reports and convoluted details are flooding in this morning about Lohan’s arrest earlier this week, and let me tell you — even if I decided to draw up my “conclusions” with crayon on the back of a “Friendly’s” menu, I should receive a fucking Pulitzer for even trying to make sense of this mess in the first place. Here we go:

From what TMZ is saying, it sounds like Lindsay went to a party with her assistant. The assistant invited her hoodlum boyfriend and his three friends. Hoodlum and Assistant get into a fight, and Lindsay becomes angry so Assistant quits. Assistant calls her Mom to pick her up — at which point Lindsay resorts to grand theft auto by stealing a GMC Denali that belonged to one of the friends (with two of them still in the car, running over the foot of another) proceeding to give chase. Cue 911 call, (which you can listen to in it’s entirety here):

Caller: Right now we’re on Arizona… Oh my God, are they following us? OK, right now we’re on Santa Monica… We’re driving to the police station right now… We’re at 4th and Broadway. We were just coming home… and all of a sudden he came down a side street… We’re driving to the police station… sir, please? The gentleman came out of his car. [inaudible] AAAAHHH, Oh my God! What is he doing? Oh my God, oh my God… Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! (Screaming…police sirens in background).

During this high speed chase, Lindsay allegedly tells one of the men in the car not to touch her and that nothing can happen to her because she’s a celebrity — aaaaand finally, we wind up in the parking lot where Lindsay told officers, “I wasn’t driving. The black kid was driving,” shortly before failing a field sobriety test and turning up cocaine on her person.

OK — so what I’m gathering here, is that we can locate this “Black Kid” — all of Lindsay’s problems will be solved! I’m guessing he was not only responsible for driving the vehicle, but in addition gave her the pants with the drugs in the pocket — and now that I think about it, we can probably also slap the blame on him for Herbie: Fully Loaded and the colossal and inevitable failure of I Know Who Killed Me.

Guh. Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of, “Linsday Lohan is a Fucking Wreck.”

Watch Madonna invite Justin Timberlake to her “sweet front door.” (MollyGood)

Holy Hogwarts! J.K. Rowling has a massive rack. (Fatback)

My so-called Claire Danes full boob slip. (Celebitchy)

Katie Holmes does the funky chicken and Tom pretends to like it. (Gabsmash)

Denise Richards models bikinis and inflamed pubes. (The Grumpiest)

I’m sure that 50-ft upskirt has something to do with Will Turner dating Calypso. (Pop on the Pop)

The trailer for the highly anticipated Robert Zemeckis CGI movie “Beowulf” hit the internet today, and boy does Angelina Jolie make a hot freakin’ queen of darkness. The trailer release follows last night’s 3-D debut at Comic Con in San Diego. The Los Angeles Times said:

‘Angelina Jolie’s lips look even fuller than usual. “Giiiif meee sonnnn,” she coos, in an Old English accent. Her flaxen hair is braided down her back in a long tail that slowly undulates and slaps the dark pool around her. She continues to purr enticements about making babies as a virtual camera circles 360 degrees panning around her long limbs and waist. Gold dribbles down her inner thighs past her feet, revealing sharp stilettos merged with bestial hooves.’

If you needed any more proof that Angelina is the hottest thing on the planet, well, gold drips out of her vagina. There. I don’t know about you, but there aren’t any precious metals oozing out of my hoo-ha. There’s some ooze, sure, but I’d say it’s more of the yeasty variety. So I could maybe bake a loaf of bread or brew a pilsner, but I won’t be fashioning a crown and scepter out of any of my genital secretions. That’s why I just stick with a sash and a paper tiara and my t-shirt that says “Hot Stuff.” It still gets the point across.

You can take your party hats off now, because Lindsay Lohan probably isn’t going to jail. I know. According to The Insider

When assistant Tarin Graham walked into [Lindsay's] house, looking disheveled with teary red eyes, Lindsay was concerned that something had happened to her.

There was some sort of altercation. Tarin either quit or Lindsay fired her. Tarin left and Lindsay followed.

There were definitely two people in the car with Lindsay that night.

When the cops arrived, there were so many people in the parking lot that they automatically zeroed in on Lindsay. Lindsay was strong-armed into taking a breathalyzer test.

The cocaine was not Lindsay’s, she was wearing someone else’s pants.

And there you have it, folks. This is precisely how the firecrotch will avoid doing six years in jail. Nobody can prove she was actually driving or that those were actually her pants. Unless she wrote “property of Lindsay Lohan” inside the waistband with a sharpie and took a couple of cell phone candids of herself barreling down the interstate behind the wheel, this dumb cooze is going to get off, and there’s not a damn thing any of us can do about it. Well, this’ll teach you to be careful the next time you borrow your roommate’s pants to go out clubbing. What if there’s a schedule II substance in those pockets? Or a bloody butcher knife? Or Osama bin Laden? From my understanding of “COPS,” this sort of misfeasance happens all the time. That, and the urge to repeatedly slam your head against the hood of the car while being cuffed. Everybody knows nothing says “innocent” like a self-inflicted head wound.

UPDATE: Here’s some footage of what it would be like to spend a night with Lindsay Lohan. God, she’s fuckin’ cool.

Thanks to the ever-diligent Dave69 for the video!

Penelope Cruz has been found to be part of an elaborate ruse to pull the wool over the unsuspecting and sparsely-lashed eyes of public. According to the Daily Mail

L’Oréal has been condemned for producing “misleading” mascara adverts featuring Penelope Cruz. A sharp-eyed viewer suspected the actress was wearing false lashes [and] protested to the Advertising Standards Authority, who upheld her complaint. It found the TV commercial misleading and the magazine advert to be [inaccurate] and [untrue]. During the investigation, the French company admitted that the star had been wearing individual false lashes. The ASA has ordered L’Oréal to add a disclaimer to future adverts whenever models are shown wearing false lashes.

Find me an advertisement where a woman’s not wearing false eyelashes. Or hair extensions and cleavage-enhancing bra inserts. Or that’s not been digitally altered to widen and brighten the eyes, thin the arms, legs, and torso, and erase every pore, freckle, and wrinkle conceivable, and I’ll show you an advertisement for a local above-ground pool company shot in a basement with the owner’s stepdaughter in a bikini. That’s Watson’s!

Today’s Name That Celebrity is a tad more difficult than usual because today’s victim isn’t exactly an A-list celebrity. To be honest, not even B-list, really. More like D’s bastard cousin who lives in a closet under the stairs and pees in a bucket. Anyway, have at it. Today’s celebrity looks like she left her mammaries on the dashboard of a car parked directly on the equator after they were clawed by a vindictive bear. It’s a sad truth that there isn’t much that can be done with tits like those, even if you are slightly famous. Unless you want to make those puppies into to wineskins and wander around in the desert John the Baptist style. Three cheers for locusts and wild honey!

The stretch-marked reveal after the jump

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Give Luke Wilson a call! No, really — he’s expecting you. (Evil Beet)

Britney Spears wants to lipsync her way into the 2007 VMAs. (About: Celebrity Gossip)

Hilary Duff likes to go get down. (UseMyComputer)

Naked nude in the buff Cate Blanchett in her new movie, baby! (CelebNewsWire)

More delicious shirtless Johnny Depp. (Wizbang! Pop)

Megan Fox, I want to be on you. (The Bastardly)

Rob Schneider nails Lindsay Lohan. You heard me! (Jossip)

Good news, boys — Jessica Alba is single again! According to Us Weekly

After two-and-a-half years together, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have split. The 26-year-old actress broke up with Warren, a 28-year-old producer, last week over the phone. Sources [say] that Alba, who was abroad over the weekend promoting Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, called Warren on July 22 and told him, “I’m not in love with you anymore.” Within hours, Alba had dispatched an assistant to the L.A. home they shared to pack up Warren’s belongings and move him out.

Coming home to all of his shit packed up is a pretty good way to make it clear your relationship is really over. So is sending him a picture of your smiling face hovering two inches over someone’s penis. Especially if you’re giving the “two thumbs up” sign on either side of your face. There’s just no arguing with that kind of enthusiasm. That’s how they rate movies, you know.

More of Jessica in next month’s issue of British GQ after the jump

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There have been conflicting reports regarding the car chase that prompted Lindsay Lohan’s arrest yesterday morning — that Lindsay was chasing an assistant that just resigned hours earlier; that Lindsay was chasing a recently-fired assistant and the assistant’s mother; both Lindsay and the assistant were being chased by the paparazzi; the assistant’s mother was chasing Lindsay; that several mountain lions and mind-controlling robots hijacked Lindsay and took control of the Denali SUV with their powerful computer brains. No one knows for sure. One thing we can all agree on: it’s not Lindsay’s fault. And fuck rehab. Lindsay’s mother told “The Insider”

“I am sick over this. My children, my family — we are like prisoners in our own home because paparazzi is staked outside. Lindsay is in a safe place and we are trying to strategically work out our next step. We are doing everything in our power in support of Lindsay. And I won’t give up. This is my daughter and we love her. We are waiting for the press frenzy to die down and leave her alone. Please respect our privacy.”

Well, obviously, she’s “safe” outside of rehab because she’s innocent. TMZ reports

Lindsay Lohan is refusing to accept responsibility for her Tuesday morning DUI arrest, releasing a straight-to-the-point statement to Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush yesterday: “Yes. I am innocent… did not do drugs they’re not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin’s mom. I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy.”

So she was framed? Is that what she’s saying here? Like, maybe someone planted coke in her pockets and replaced her blood with that of a vagrant they found passed out under a park bench? Wow… it all makes so much sense now. Weird, though, because cops usually only frame one-armed men. And black people. And Roger Rabbit. Well, technically, it was a Toon hellbent on destroying the Pacific & Electric Red Car trolley system instead of a cop that framed Roger. So you see where I’m going here. It’s obviously been Judge Doom all along! Or maybe some one-armed black guy with a vendetta against firecrotches. Either way, it’s just a matter of time before a well-timed piano finds its way to her cranium. Then everybody wins.

What’s more hilarious than a blowhard diva falling down face first? Why, a blowhard diva falling face first down an entire set of stairs at a live concert recorded for all of internet posterity, of course! According to perezhilton.com,

Beyonce fell face first down a flight of stairs on stage at her concert in Orlando on Tuesday night. Mama went sliding down the steps, flailed around for a moment, scrambled to get her mic (that went sliding across stage), and kept on singing. Little Miss Armpits fall ended with a gash on her leg, which ended up bleeding. Sitting down for a song later, she asked the audience if they taped it “not to post it on Youtube”.

And here it is, in all its unfettered glory. I like the quick transfer from “faceplant” to sexy” in three point four seconds. The only time I’ve ever witnessed such a quick-change transition to foxiness was the time I threw up on the bar after gagging on a cherry stem while trying to tie a knot in it with my tongue. The guys buying me shots were all really impressed. Okay, technically it was more of a reverse sexy quick-change, but I still managed it in under three seconds, so it counts. Nobody even saw it coming. Especially the guy on the barstool next to me. Suck on that, Beyonce!

UPDATE: There’s always another video out there, Matthew Knowles, you pompous fucker.

UPDATE 2: Here’s another shot of the fall. She’s pretty much Bruce Leroy with more a little more weave-slinging.

UPDATE 3: They pulled the previous two vids for “copyright infringement,” but here’s one they didn’t catch.