Britney Spears Likes the Poonanny, Part Deux
Shannon Funk (pictured above with Britney) became the latest former Spears employee to be served with a subpoena in Kevin Federline’s battle for custody. And just who is this “Shannon Funk,” you ask? Why, this classy dame right here. From The Sun:
A topless Britney Spears got down and dirty in a hotel pool with her former assistant Shannon Funk. The ladies cleared the hotel pool of other guests so they could enjoy kissing and fondling each other. The pair ended up in bed together after frolicking in the pool. A friend said: “Britney seemed more into this girl than she ever has been into a guy. Even though the hunks were hot, Britney made a beeline to cavort with Shannon. She seemed insatiable. Shannon’s been a great pal to Britney through very tough times. It was inevitable they’d end up close - but no one knew just how close.”
Three years ago, this would have been just the impetus for a midday jerk-off for teenage boys and overweight middle-aged men everywhere. Now, it just reminds me of this slice of cheesecake that I left out for a week that time we went to visit my sister in Ashtabula. When I came home and opened the plastic box, the cheesecake was covered in these greenish-black spots and the parts that didn’t have fur had sort of liquified. And the whole thing pretty much smelled like ass. But what you really want to know is — did I eat it? Yes. Yes, I did. But I ate around the mold and the green stuff and didn’t look at it while I swallowed. The point of this story being that you would still totally do it with Britney Spears. Don’t lie! You’d just hold your nose and not look at it while you ate it. Like the ancient Japanese proverb says, “rotten cheesecake is still better than no pussy.” Sayonara, suckas!
11 Comments, Comment or Ping
RichPort
It’s impossible to get that tobacco taste washed off of your cooter… or so I hear.
Aug 15th, 2007
BarbadoSlim
Ugh ,the stench from that pigfest must have been unbearable.
Aug 15th, 2007
JohnL
Tobacco stains will come out with a little lye and Pine-Sol, RichPort. In Britney’s case you’ll also need to incorporate liberal doses of Febreze and battery acid. Extract the residual cigarette butts and needles, then stuff half a dozen peppermint urinal cakes in there afterwards. Make sure to replace her diaphragm/urinal screen while you’re at it.
Then zip off your hands with a miter saw, if they haven’t dissolved already. (Sorry, but covering them with latex, Kevlar, and chain mail ain’t gonna be enough.)
Aug 15th, 2007
open mouth jones
Back in the day I dreamed about when she would topple off her little pedestal. I just didn’t have enough foresight to imagine it would be quite so…. titalating. And funny. And disgusting.
And scary- I mean her twat’s given me nightmares, people! I think I’m suffering from PTSD. Can I sue for that?
Does anybody else smell a class action lawsuit?
Or is that just her pussy stinking up my cubicle from thousands of miles away?
Aug 15th, 2007
RichPort
JohnL, I have nothing to add but HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh, and the peppermint cakes bit got me queasy. Miter saw… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Aug 15th, 2007
RichPort
Wow. That. Last. Comment. Makes me. Feel. Like. Captain Kirk.
Aug 15th, 2007
BarbadoSlim
Nice one Rich heheheheheh
*pound it*….I said *POUND IT!*
Aug 15th, 2007
Otto the Short Yellow Bus Driver
(AP)MALIBU There was a stench in the air of rotting fish. Local authorities in the usually drunken seaside party-haven for the wanna-be rich and famous were bombarded with more than the smell, but numerous calls from over-paid realebrities complaining of the Louisianna fish fry overtaking the usual pine-aroma of dead skunk (weed). “How are we supposed to rehab at Promises,” said one red-headed source with a homemade cigareete hanging from her lip. “It smells like Monterey in its heyday and I don’t mean the Pop Festival– more like when they processed fish. Dammit even my vodka– I mean my water is even starting to taste like a fish stick gone bad,” as she swigg another gulp from an Evian bottle. Upon investigating the stench that was attracting more than seagulls at snack time, but a brood of paparrazzi was thought to be the source, since most write for fish wrap papers. Instead, of a beached whale or carcus of a baby seals left after a white shark feeding frenzy, the only feeding being done was by the wttention-starved Brit-Brit and her I’ll do anything for my 15-minutes of fame assistant, gallvanting the shores of the westside as if they were in West Hollywood. Wildlife Protection Services tranquilized and removed the two sock-sniffers and released them back into the hills- Beverly Hills- their natural environment, before sealing off the beach site and calling in Hazmat for clean-up. City officials say the middleclass and poor will pay for their clean-up costs.
Aug 15th, 2007
JohnL
I aim to please, Mr. Port. Unfortunately Mr. marius is proving exceedingly difficult to please a couple of threads down right now, but whaddaya gonna do? I believe Ricky Nelson said it best:
It’s alright now
I learned my lesson well
You can’t please everyone
So you got to fuck the motherfuckers
I think those are the words.
(RIP, Ricky. Too bad it couldn’t have been your gay sons on that plane instead of you.)
Aug 15th, 2007
margaretta
What hotel? What pool? People should be notified…phone the press! Put out a red alert
Aug 15th, 2007
randy
skank that’s the long and the short way to describe Spears.
Oct 30th, 2007
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