Lindsay Lohan finally got her comeuppance in court yesterday for those two separate instances of being coked up and drunk while behind the wheel of a car. Wait, did I just say “comeuppance?” Because what I really meant is “spit on the American justice system and gave it the finger while grabbing her puss.” People magazine reports

Lindsay Lohan will serve at least 24 hours in jail in her drunken-driving cases under the terms of a plea deal reached Thursday. The actress pleaded guilty to two counts of being under the influence of cocaine and pleaded no contest to driving with a blood alcohol level of .08 percent or higher and reckless driving. “Lohan received the same sentence that anyone else with a second DUI conviction would get. She got no special treatment,” said Deputy District Attorney Danette Meyers.

Lindsay issued the following statement last night:

“It is clear to me that my life has become completely unmanageable because I am addicted to alcohol and drugs. Recently, I relapsed and did things for which I am ashamed. I broke the law, and today I took responsibility by pleading guilty to the charges in my case. No matter what I said when I was under the influence on the day I was arrested, I am not blaming anyone else for my conduct other than myself. I thank God I did not injure others. I easily could have.

I very much want to be healthy and gain control of my life and career and have asked for medical help in doing so. I am taking these steps to improve my life. Luckily, I am not alone in my daily struggle and I know that people like me have succeeded. Maybe with time it will become easier. I hope so.”

You need a back hoe to get through a pile of horseshit this big. Flies actually started buzzing around my computer and the dog wouldn’t stop sniffing the monitor while I was reading this. My husband even came down and yelled, “Jesus — what the hell is that fucking smell?” To which I replied, “Your upper lip, asshole!” and tossed what was left of my coffee in his face. That’s when he grabbed me by the hair and pinned my head between his knees and told me he was this close to ending my useless fucking existence. Talk about full of shit, though! The best that bastard can do is a black eye or two or a couple of missing teeth. Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil have nothin’ on our love.

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