Get ready for Britney Spears’ first single off her latest album to hit the airwaves as early as next week. According to Entertainment Weekly

A source who’s heard the single says it’s called ”Gimme More,” an up-tempo club cut produced by Timbaland protégé Nate ”Danjahandz” Hills (Justin Timberlake, T.I.). ”Gimme More” was also reported as the name of the music video that Spears was spotted shooting in July. The album still has no official title or release date, a third source close to the top-secret project says it’s expected to hit shelves this fall with little to no promotional setup: ”She’s got more than enough material.”

Well, I can’t wait. Just like I can’t wait for my next pap smear or the mainland migration of the killer bee. I just hope I schedule my anus waxing and ingrown toenail surgery the same day her new single breaks. That’s what you call a winning trifecta!

More of Britney leaving a Hollywood recording studio after the jump

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Hawaii seems to be the stomping ground of choice for hot celebrity trim here lately — Jennifer Aniston, Jenny McCarthy, and now Hilary Swank have all been photographed frolicking on the white sand beaches in the last few weeks. And yet almost a month straight of living under the pier in Daytona Beach and the best I get is Miss TruValue Hardware 1998 and a couple of former Hooters waitresses sleeping off a hangover by the Motel 6 pool. So, the real question is, when did the mainland United States become a used-up minge dumping ground? I, for one, blame the Republicans. First pubic hair and now ugly chicks. I can’t prove it, but I’m pretty sure global warming and Jar Jar Binks are their fault, too. This is why my call for hairless porn stars in public office will be widely embraced by the American people. That, and boobies. The revolution is here, my friends!

More of Hilary Swank looking super toned after the jump

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It looks like today’s unfortunate mystery celebrity took a fistful of stinging nettles and shoved them into the crotch of her bathing suit before a rigorous set of jumping jacks. Or she might have just taken a meat tenderizer to her lady parts and pounded those pubes of hers right back into their follicles. Yep, if there’s one thing I’ve said over the years, it’s that pubic hair needs to learn its place. Discipline, my friends. Discipline. Otherwise it’ll run rampant and seize control and the next thing you know you’ve got a North Korea on your hands. Did Bush consider that when UN violations went unchecked? I don’t need to tell you that a million soldiers with runaway crotches pretty much guarantees another war on your hands. That’s what you call “The Commie Pube Effect.” Look for my article in “The Christian Science Monitor” any day now.

The inflamed reveal after the jump

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Luke Wilson knows that ash and sackcloth might look pretty pitiful, but nothing says “mourning my suicidal brother” like a good hobo beard. (MollyGood)

That dude from “Prison Break” apparently likes “Prison Sex.” (Celebitchy)

Jessica Simpson tries a little chocolate man meat on for size. (Bastardly)

Jake Gyllenhaal likes to put it in the pooper behind busy restaurants. Well, who doesn’t? (CelebNewsWire)

I take back everything I said about Cameron Diaz being pretty. (CelebritySmack)

Naomi Campbell offers you the fruit of her ever-so-naked loins. (CityRag)

Sometimes there just aren’t enough words. And sometimes, there just isn’t enough tongue. But this isn’t one of those times, my friend. Either Jenna Jameson is regurgitating a mollusk mother-bird style into Tito Ortiz’ mouth, or that’s supposed to be a sexy kiss. And by “sexy” of course I mean “slimy and intestinal.” Leave it to a porn star to make a kiss the erotic equivalent of hemorrhoid surgery.

More hot anal fissure action after the jump

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It appears that The Enquirer was telling the truth yesterday — actor Owen Wilson did in fact try to kill himself over the weekend. The New York Post reveals

A distraught Owen Wilson was found bloodied and dazed after trying to commit suicide by overdosing on pills and slitting his wrist in the wake of a bitter blowup with a close pal.There were no details as to what may have caused Wilson to go off the deep end, except that the incident occurred shortly after a vicious quarrel with an unidentified friend. Wilson’s last serious romantic relationship - with beauty Kate Hudson - fell apart just before Memorial Day. Sources insisted that it did not contribute to Wilson’s emotional turmoil. But Wilson, 38 - who always appeared to be a happy slacker type - has a dark history of depression.

Poor, poor Owen Wilson. An endless stream of drugs and pussy and cash must be so emotionally taxing sometimes. Just like swimming in a chocolate river with Playmate mermaids and riding rainbow unicorns into the sunset leave you so spiritually exhausted. What this guy needs is a break — a night-shift job at a sewage treatment center and maybe esophageal cancer and cleft palate. A little something to purge the monotony of “glorious excess” all the time. Owen is only a man, after all.

The child abuse investigation into Britney Spears does not involve the physical abuse of her two sons. According to TMZ

Sources say the complaint lodged with Department of Children and Family Services involves allegations of poor dental hygiene, as well as poor eating and sleeping habits for her kids. Curiously, although DCFS keeps these allegations secret, they ended up in legal papers filed today by K-Fed’s attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, suggesting it might have been Fed-Ex himself who lodged the complaint.

And get this: DCFS is all too familiar with the family. We’ve learned that another anonymous complaint was filed with DCFS on July 2, but it went nowhere.

I think everything DCFS needs to know about the welfare of Britney’s kids can be summed up in the above picture. For instance, the burning cigarette is at least eighteen inches from the naked child’s face. That’s a good foot and a half of breathing room right there. And when Britney comes back in a different wig and cradling a margarita, that naked baby is nowhere to be found. Maybe it’s floating face down in the pool, but if it’s face down, she’s still technically not drinking in front of the children, see? I’m sure Britney’s lawyer is busy assembling a flip book of yesterday’s pictures to present to the judge in her defense. Something to counteract Kevin Federline’s exhibit A: half-empty cans of formula mixed with Bailey’s and Kahlua turned into improvised ashtrays. Something that says “matronly” and “responsible” all in one fell swoop.

More of Britney’s air-tight defense after the jump

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Never known for her breathtaking beauty, actress Renee Zellweger has found a way to make herself even uglier: a soccer mom haircut and a BMI of 4. The Daily Mail reports

The Oscar-winning actress’s appearance at the Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers concert left some onlookers surprised at how much weight she has lost. She showed off her slimline figure in a loose-fitting knee-length smock dress. “It’s almost as if she’s wasting away,” said one concertgoer. “Her legs and arms were incredibly thin. Perhaps she’s simply been overdoing the gym workouts.”

Check out those sexy gams! Captain Barbosa meets Kenyan marathon runner. If I found that curled up on my front stoop, you better believe I’d notify a priest after I’d beaten the hell out of it with a shovel. Usually things that unholy come with tails or a third nipple, but you can never be too careful. “Better safe than sorry,” I always say. I also say “If you can’t beat ‘em, have sex with their boyfriends” and “Blood is thicker than water and a hell of a lot harder to clean out of your trunk.” You probably already guessed I moonlight as a sage on the weekends.

More of Renee leaving the salon last week after the jump

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Well, there’s always Scarlett Johansson’s boobs, right? (Pajiba)

Lindsay Lohan looks like a whore. It’s a real stretch for Zoo magazine! (The Grumpiest)

It’s your fault Owen Wilson tried to kill himself. (Jossip)

Now, the video of Lindsay Lohan being a whore. (Egotastic)

The third runner up in the Miss Teen USA pagaent suffers an aneurysm on stage, and it’s all caught on video. (Best Week Ever)

Jessica Simpson! Boobs! (Hollywood Tuna)

Don’t think you’re making it the entire day without any news of Britney Spears. TMZ reports

Britney Spears is being investigated for possible child abuse. An unscheduled hearing was held today at L.A. County Superior Court. Present — Britney’s lawyer, Dennis Wasser, K-Fed’s attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, and a lawyer from the Los Angeles County Counsel who is assigned to the dependency court.We do not know the specifics of the allegations but we’re told the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services is conducting an active investigation.

Since when does being drunk and high and fat around your kids constitute child abuse? What, so now it’s magically child abuse if you videotaped the occasional triple penetration during nap time? Come on, people! That’s what the nanny’s there for! It’s not like being a drunken whore ever killed a baby. If anything, it teaches the baby independence and adaption. And all the different places you can stick a penis when you’re not throwing up or crying. It’s like reading “Chicken Soup for the Soul,” only with more cigarettes and condoms.

More of Brit outclassing you in Hollywood after the jump

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Rapper DMX, best remembered for screaming about losing his mind between consistent blasts of a whistle, seems to like killing dogs almost as much as Falcons quarterback Michael Vick. TMZ reports

Maricopa County, Ariz. Sheriff’s Department raided rapper DMX’s home in Cave Creek and removed 12 distressed pit bulls. DMX, whose real name is Earl Simmons, has a long rap sheet, which includes a guilty plea to animal cruelty charges in 2002. A further search of the property yielded three canine corpses, one of which “seemed to be burned.” Also found — “a large number of weapons, some drug paraphernalia, and a lot of cars that don’t match the license plates.”

Well, there’s something you don’t see every day. A brotha with a stock pile of weapons and a bunch of stolen cars in his backyard. I asked my grandpa for his take on it, and he looked at me and said, “Well, what’d ya expect, dummy? You give ‘em forty acres and a mule and let ‘em vote and it’s bound to happen again.” “Um, what’s bound to happen, Grandpa?” I asked. “Hitch up the wagon, we’re goin’ into town! My pockets are on fire. Tuesday!” So then I pressed the button on his morphine drip and paged the nurse to empty his bed pan again.

Actor Owen Wilson was inexplicably rushed to an L.A. hospital yesterday afternoon. According to People magazine.

Santa Monica police issued a statement saying officers responded to a “medical assistance call” at a house on Wilson’s street shortly after noon Sunday. “The person was transported to a local hospital where they are being treated,” the police statement said. Later in the evening, Wilson’s brothers Andrew and Luke, as well as his parents, were seen at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles.

But what we all want to know — the real reason for the visit? According to Star magazine

Actor Owen Wilson was hospitalized after attempting suicide. Sources tell the ENQUIRER and Star that he sliced his left wrists and took an indeterminate amount of pills. Police and an ambulance responded to a 911 call from Owen’s house around noon on Sunday. His wrist was sutured and bandaged at the hospital. The ENQUIRER and Star broke the story of Owen’s hospitalization earlier Sunday and revealed that he was being transferred from St. John’s after being stabilized. The publications learned that he was going to be detoxed.

I don’t know if I can entirely trust this Star magazine report. His “left wrists?” Exactly how many left wrists does Owen Wilson have? And, more importantly, did he ever encounter a mermaid trapped in a can of sardines or meet a two-headed Bigfoot alien baby that hangs out with Jesus? I remember several other people on various covers of the Enquirer who did. Besides, Owen Wilson always struck me as a really mellow kind of guy. The type who smokes a lot of pot and kinda talks like he was part of the cast of “Point Break,” not some histrionic diva hacking at his multiple left wrists with a spork and ODing on anti-anxiety drugs. From the sounds of it, he might have just needed a pedicure and a little Pamprin and to be told how pretty he is once in a while. Is that really so much to ask?