There are many schools of thought as to what precipitated Britney Spears’ disastrous “comeback performance” at the VMAs on Sunday night. There are also many schools of thought on the proper way to fold a burrito. Coincidence? I think not. According to Page Six

She got there late and didn’t have time to practice:

On Saturday, the day before the VMAs, Spears was scheduled to arrive at rehearsal at around 1 p.m. Our spy said, “She didn’t even get to Las Vegas until 4:30 p.m. It was ridiculous… The production people at MTV were freaking out… Nobody can tell Britney what to do anymore. No one can control her. She is a mess.”

A girl has to eat, doesn’t she?:

To make matters worse, when she arrived in Vegas, Spears didn’t go straight to rehearsals. “She went to her hotel room and ordered a bunch of food and some frozen margaritas,” the spy said. “She came down, like, an hour later with a frozen margarita in her hand.”

Simultaneously sucking in while balancing in stiletto boots and trying to remember words is really hard:

When Spears preformed on Sunday, she stumbled a couple times and couldn’t remember the words she was lip-syncing. She covered her mouth at one point but by the end of the song had simply given up any pretense of singing.

“The dance number was spectacular - without her,” said our spy at rehearsal. “When the stand-in was rehearsing with the dancers, in the hours they were all waiting for her, it was amazing. Then Britney showed up and refused to do anything. The dancers were supposed to lift and twirl her in the air a few times, and that just wasn’t going to happen. The more complicated dance moves had to be erased because she couldn’t do them.”

MTV kept trying to stifle her sexiness, which is pretty much like trying to keep the birds from singing. Or from carrying a contagious strain of the flu virus and taking a dump on your windshield:

Meanwhile, Spears was agitated because she didn’t like the outfit MTV had selected for her. “MTV wanted her to wear a corset outfit. It would have looked great and covered a lot of things up, but she hated it and didn’t think it was sexy enough.” Instead, Spears changed into a spangly bra-and-underwear outfit she’d brought with her that emphasized her weight gain over the last year.

She forgot her underpants:

After Spears performed at the VMAs, she allegedly broke down in tears but then partied until 3 a.m. She changed outfits several times and again was photographed by paparazzi wearing no underwear.

Maybe that’s not even her vagina. Maybe it’s an emergency burrito. Did you ever think of that? I keep six or seven strapped on my person at all times. I like to be prepared. Had there been an earthquake during the show, Britney and I would have had enough burritos to last us a week, while everybody else cried and rubbed sticks together and rued themselves for not being clever enough to pack their crotches full of emergency rations. That’s why when the robots take over you’ll be dead and I’ll be living in an underground hideaway constructed entirely of refried beans and C-4 explosive. Form AND function, my friends. Circle of life!

Related Stories

• Britney’s Going on Tour in 2009
• Britney Makes Her Comeback at the Bambi Awards
• Britney Spears Does Rolling Stone
• Honey, I Shrunk the Hillbilly
• Britney: For The Record — It Feels Like “Prison”