Owen Wilson Hires a Sober Companion
I thought “septic tank unclogger” and “bikini waxer to the the Turkish Men’s Yağlı Güreş Team” topped the list of best jobs ever, but that was before I found out about being a “sober companion.” Oh, yes. Not making this up. According to In Touch Weekly
Following the actor’s suicide attempt last month, Owen [Wilson] was expected to head straight to a drug and alcohol treatment facility after checking out of Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. However, the ‘Butterscotch Stallion’ – who has had two previous stints in rehab – is insisting on doing it his way, and has hired a $750-a-day sober companion to aid his recovery.
Why would you pay somebody to follow you around bellowing “You can’t drink that! You’re not going in there, missy! Put the gun down! It’s your puke, you clean it up! That better be a cigarette! I’ll punch your mother right in her stupid face, I swear to GOD I will! ” My dad’s been doing that for free for years now, and all this time he could have been collecting a paycheck. It seems like an easy career move for me. All I’ve got to do now is find somebody who wants to pay for syphilis and I can probably retire at 40.
8 Comments, Comment or Ping
margaretta
Keep the razor blades away from the companion
Sep 12th, 2007
abby
How many times is the sober companion going to have to watch “Zoolander?” I’m guessing 235 this week alone.
Sep 12th, 2007
JohnL
I actually liked “Zoolander”, but if that poor bastard has to watch “You, Me, and Dupree”, he won’t be a sober companion anymore.
Sep 12th, 2007
BarbadoSlim
Yes…eh I also hire “companions” alllll the time, they make sure, my eh… needs and “urges” don’t get out of hand, they’re women …mostly, and they are easily identifiable as they walk about certain parts of town. Some people call them hookers but I find that is SUCH a harsh term, they’re companions.
Sep 12th, 2007
abby
Or you could call them your “onanistic enablers.” It sounds fancy, like putting “Dr.” in front of somebody’s name.
Sep 12th, 2007
BarbadoSlim
Or you could call them your “onanistic enablers….”
hehehehehehe, you keep dictionary.com tabbed, don’t you.
Sep 12th, 2007
Sorceressss
Best post of the day Abby! I’ve never had a sober companion, men only sleep with me when they’re drunk…
But that’s another story.
Sep 12th, 2007
YouFigureItOut
I wonder how much it costs to go to a month at a treatment center? And when you get out, what are you supposed to do?
Sep 26th, 2007
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