Paris Hilton is spreading goodwill and cheer — aka “herpes and stupidity” — to the African nation of Rwanda this fall. NY Daily News reports

First stop on Paris Hilton’s postjail goodwill tour - Rwanda. The hotel heiress said she will visit the African country this fall as part of her commitment to use her celebrity to highlight global causes, E! Online reported yesterday. “There’s so much need in that area, and I feel like if I go, it will bring more attention to what people can do to help,” Hilton said.

Because AIDS and genocide just aren’t enough of a plight, cue Herpes and her pack of paparazzi. I’m sure Rwandans are in dire need of hair extensions and spray-tans. For the record, I can’t think of any place I’d rather see Paris Hilton than thousands of miles away in Rwanda. Uganda, maybe. Or South Africa. Kuala Lumpur. In the middle of the Serengeti surrounded by cobras and puff adders. The Spanish Inquistion. On a Judas Pear. Inside a killer bee hive. A killer bee hive that’s on fire. I’d also accept “in a petri dish labeled ‘Kathy Hilton — D & C endometrium scrapings,’” but I think that’s just getting greedy.

More of Paris doing AIDS awareness at an AMFAR benefit accompanied by the most recent* dick inside her after the jump

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Friends of Pamela Anderson are growing increasingly concerned over the former Playmate’s nonstop boozing. According to Page Six

“She parties almost every night,” our source said. “She drinks, she does stuff . . . and she’s got hepatitis C. Her liver is shot but she keeps living this crazy lifestyle. We don’t think she understands how serious this is. She has two kids and may not be around to see them grow up at this rate.” The increasingly haggard pin-up has gotten even wilder now that she’s hanging with Paris Hilton’s sex-tape partner, Rick Salomon. “They went wild over the VMA weekend,” the spy added. “I just watched them party with my jaw open.” She’s telling pals alternately that she is either engaged or already married to Salomon, whom she’s only known about six weeks.

I defy anyone to claim Pamela Anderson isn’t a bastion of wisdom and sound decision! In fact, I personally — just a moment, folks — I’m getting something here… my sources are now telling me that “bastion” does not mean “diseased slutbag.” My apologies. What I meant to say is “Pamela Anderson is a stupid smelly twat with shit for brains.” Perhaps the word I was actually looking for was “Paris Hilton.”

More of the bastion in her prime after the jump

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George Clooney’s new girlfriend Sarah Lawson has been getting a lot of press here lately, especially after that motorcycle accident that left George with a cracked rib and her with a broken foot. An almost fairy-tale princess story — handsome prince George plucks her from oblivion and a Cinderella-esque existence as a waitress to live happily ever after in the kingdom known as Hollywood — a real-life Amélie of sorts. Except not, really. She’s just another ass for him to pound. The Daily Mail reports

Before she became [Clooney's] favourite red carpet companion, the 28-year-old worked as a scantily-clad cocktail waitress at Las Vegas’s Moon nightclub at the Palms Hotel. She has also been photographed posing provocatively with a female friend during a 2005 trip to Amsterdam during a stint as a promotional model. Larson, who briefly appeared on US show Fear Factor, last month abandoned her bar job - and the skimpy bikini uniform that went with it - to travel the world with 46-year-old George.

And there you have it. I found it puzzling that someone without a closet full of tassels and g-strings and platform heels would be granted entrance the Clooney lair, but now it all makes sense. She’s a different kind of whore. You don’t actually have to stuff dollar bills in her underpants to keep her attention. Not that she’d object, mind you. Doesn’t every girl dream of a pantload of sweaty singles? I usually walk around the bus station with the waistband of my track pants held out at arm’s length so that passersby can make charitable donations if they are so inclined. Until security asks me to leave, anyway. I’m still keeping my fingers crossed for the day my own George Clooney rolls in on a Greyhound and makes all of my girlish dreams come true.

Some slighty slutty pics of Sarah pre-Clooney after the jump

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Paris Hilton’s new man meat is pretty damn hot. (CelebSlam)

Tom Cruise’s $10 million bunker probably holds a lot of gay porn. (CelebNewsWire)

Kanye West is a blithering idiot. (Best Week Ever)

What’s wrong with smelling like double penetration, Mariah? (Jossip)

It’s only fitting that Jessica Biel’s wondrous ass would play the role of Wonder Woman. (popoholic)

Elton John wants to save Britney Spears. Maybe he can start with those shitty-ass extensions. (Celebrity Smack)

Because vomit is always funny. (timekiller)

You might wanna take a six-shooter to Brad Pitt’s new movie, because it hits the mark every time. Plus you can use it on the fat dude who won’t shut his flapper. (Pajiba)

The love of my life, Jack Bauer, (also known in some circles as Kiefer Sutherland) was arrested last night for DUI after blowing more than twice the California legal limit of .08. TMZ reports

Police sources tell TMZ 40-year-old Sutherland was pulled over around 1:35 AM PST on the corner of La Cienega and Beverly. Sutherland was at the FOX Fall Eco-Casino party at Area nightclub earlier that evening. Sutherland, who was stopped after making an illegal U-turn, was arrested for misdemeanor DUI and transported to the Hollywood Police station. He was booked at 4:09 AM and released at 5:42 AM on $25,000 bail.This is the actor’s second DUI in the past five years — he was arrested in 2004.

I think the real question here is was he “arrested” by the “police” or kidnapped by the Chinese? And where was Chloe in all this? Can Jack ever avenge David Palmer’s death? Well, not if the fucking bike cops don’t cut an anti-terrorist hero a break once in a while. Besides, it was all probably part of an elaborate ruse to convincingly assimilate Jack into Hollywood culture. And nothing says “Hollywood culture” quite like playing the part of a belligerent jackass. Like when he attacks this Christmas tree, for example. It had you fooled, didn’t it? You almost believed he was braying moron. And therein lies the subtlety behind Jack Bauer’s genius. It’s practically an art form.

After two whole months in spa rehab, Lindsay Lohan is poised to become a civilian again. According to Gatecrasher

Lindsay Lohan is about to be a free woman. A pal of the recovering actress tells us she is set to leave rehab this weekend. Asked where she was headed on her release, the pal responded, “I don’t think she knows yet.”

I know where she’s going! Some place with lots of penises and cocaine. Like, say, her mother Dina’s house. I hear it’s a real yay and dickfest there. Or she could just be going straight to hell in a handbasket. It depends or whether God answers my prayers tonight or not. Don’t worry, though — I bought a voodoo doll and some straight pins just in case. You can never be too prepared in these kind of situations!

More of Lindsay in her “Don’t Follow Me” windbreaker and “Hello My Name Is: Sober Fun” ass nametag after the jump

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The Daily Mail has pictures of today’s mystery celeb and her horrible withered tits at the British Film Institute benefit in Notting Hill yesterday. At least, I think they’re tits. They might be albino eggplants or maybe a couple of dead squid. The Daily Mail didn’t say. Which begs the question, “Why in God’s good name would you stuff your dress with Architeuthidae Architeuthises and pigment-less vegetables?” The obvious answer, of course, is that you’re just not drinking enough. I find that’s usually the answer to most of life’s great mysteries.

The mollusk-master revealed after the jump

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World’s ugliest supermodel Kate Moss accused actress Sienna Miller of copying her at a wedding in London over the weekend. Yes. You read that right. Copying her. It would seem that Sienna’s new relationship with “Hippie Hippie Shake” co-star Rhys Ifans precipitated the row, because Rhys is also Kate’s friend, so obviously just another blatant attempt by Sienna at copying. The Daily Mail reports

An onlooker [at the wedding said]: “Kate had a go at Sienna and accused her of stealing her style. She was ranting on about how Sienna was now trying to steal her lifestyle and her friends too. It was really cutting and everyone was listening to them. A few drinks had been sunk by the time Kate said it and Sienna had plucked up some Dutch courage too. She gave Kate as good as she got.” Kate’s close friend Sadie Frost and Ifans reportedly intervened, forcing the feuding pair to calling a truce - for the night at least.

The fellow guest told the paper: “Sadie stood between them and reminded them that it was a wedding and that they should show some respect.”

Not before Sienna attempted to give her cooties, to which Kate quickly circled-circled-dot-dotted her way to immunity and yelled, “I’m rubber and you’re glue; whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!” Then she triple stamped it, no erasies, anti-quitsies, no startsies and it was so over.

More of Sienna on the set of “Hippie Hippie Shake” after the jump

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Hilary Duff looks like an pirate. But not an angry pirate. (Pretty Boring)

George Clooney and his beard get hurt in a motorcycle accident. (Defamer)

Portia di Rossi does the gay thing on Nip/Tuck. (popbytes)

Danni Minogue looks like a WWII-era pinup in her bikini by the pool. (Total Crap)

Ali Later dishes to Cosmo about what it’s like to be a total fox. (I’m Not Obsessed)

Charlize Theron should have just worn the cowboy hat by itself. (MollyGood)

When did Amber Tamblyn get so fat and frumpy? Damn. (The Bastardly)

This ballerina can do things with her body that are incredibly erotic. Or else incredibly disgusting. I haven’t decided yet. (timekiller)

I think the White Stripes really blow, but I’m gonna go ahead and tell you about this anyway because there’s a sex tape involved. It would seem the White Stripes’ drummer Meg White made the mistake of videotaping herself doin’ the nasty, and now you can vicariously share in her depravity online. According to The Post-Chronicle

Meg White of The White Stripes appears to have a sex tape blazing up bandwidth on the internet. Interestingly, on September 11, 2007, The White Stripes canceled their forthcoming engagements because Meg White was suffering from “acute anxiety”.

Is that what the young folks are calling it these days? “Acute anxiety?” Back in my day we called that sort of business “the jimmy legs.” No, wait — that might have been Parkinson’s. Sorry. We actually called it “the wrath of the Lord alighting on the depraved whore.” But “acute anxiety” is definitely easier to type. I might decide to stick with that from now on.

Click here to watch the NSFW sex tape or check out a couple of edited (but still NSFW) screen caps after the jump

UPDATE: Meg’s rep tells TMZ “The tape circulating on the Internet as featuring Meg White is fake. It’s definitely not Meg.” Then she winked coyly and did that finger-in-the-fist thing with her hands.

I’m sure you’ve been dying to know just what Britney Spears’ former bodyguard Tony Barretto could have told the judge last week to prompt court-ordered bi-weekly drug testing. Well, he told them a lot. Just, well, damn.

It all started the day of her comeback tour in Anaheim — Britney was spending the day with “musician” and fellow rehabber Howie Day — and hours before the show was supposed to start, a hysterical Britney called and said the tour was off. So Tony headed to the Mondrian Hotel to get her and found (via News of the World)

“Britney all red-eyed from crying. The hotel room was trashed. There were half-eaten plates of food everywhere. The entire place was littered with empty beer bottles and liquor bottles, small glasses of ice and cigarette butts everywhere. I could see mounds of white powder and a straw [on the dresser]. Britney was completely out of it. Her skin was all waxy. She looked so ill. My fellow bodyguard and Alli [Sims] wanted to get hold of a medic to detoxify her. We were panicking. We thought she was going to die.”

It wasn’t the only time Tony witnessed Britney with drugs. “I saw her snort white powder on two nights out at Teddy’s nightclub in LA,” he said.

But despite the penchant for partying, she was still a good mom, right?

“I was worried about the children due to her erratic behavior. She has a whiskey stash in her pantry—and even if the children are close by, that doesn’t stop her drinking. She wouldn’t talk to them at all and she would be in her own world looking completely out of it. She would be nervously chewing her fingernails and babbling away. She speaks to them in weird, creepy, baby voices, in made-up languages, which they just don’t get. All it does is unsettle, upset and scare them. Often she would scream and cry uncontrollably.”

I don’t have to wonder why Britney’s always crying. It’s because they’re always running out of peanut butter pie at Denny’s. Also, the gas station doughnuts never have sprinkles. Is it so much for a girl to ask that her doughnuts have some fuckin’ sprinkles? And don’t try to tell her she should just hit up the Krispy Kreme, because everybody knows that they don’t sell cigarettes or Red Bull or condoms at Krispy Kreme. That just wastes time. It’s the same reason she just buys the pastry bags full of peanut butter pie filling in bulk — you can squirt it directly into your mouth without have to chew or use utensils. Efficiency, baby. It’s the name of the Britney Spears game.

More of Britney looking fat and crying on Friday after the jump

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Salma Hayek gave birth to a baby girl over the weekend. People magazine reports

Salma Hayek and her businessman fiancé, François Henri Pinault, are the parents of a baby girl, Valentina Paloma Pinault. “Mother and daughter are doing well,” Hayek’s publicist said in a statement. The daughter is the first child for Hayek. Pinault, 45, has two children from a previous marriage which ended in divorce in 2004.

Good for Salma. Since practically every actress in Hollywood is either pregnant or having babies, here are a couple of shots of pregnant Nicole Richie relaxing in Hawaii with perma-shirted Joel Madden. When they aren’t complaining about indigestion or farting or blowing up with preeclampsia, pregnant women can be pretty hot. The whole “fountain of life” bit. Plus huge boobs. I was almost an E cup by the end of my last trimester. Sure, I was two hundred pounds and didn’t “walk” so much as I “staggered around clutching my back and moaning,” but my rack was fucking awesome. If it weren’t for all the veins and the bright red stretch marks and the African bushman nipples, I would have looked just like a porn star.

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