It’s a day ending in “y,” so it’s time for more Britney Spears news. Sorry. According to News of the World

Britney called a suicide helpline after [finding] out K-Fed had begun dating former Playboy babe Nicole Narain. A source close to Federline told me: “Britney’s bouncing off the walls with rage and has been calling Kev day and night to check he’s not with Nicole. She’s desperately jealous wants him back. She thinks by getting Kevin back he’ll drop the custody battle—but that’s not going to happen. She’s crying all the time.”

Pals say she is now considering fleeing to Cuba with sons Sean, two, and year-old Jayden. One friend said: “She’s terrified of losing her sons. There are no extradition laws in Cuba, so she thinks it’s her only hope.”

Cuba? Yeah, well, whatever. Adios, fatty. In other news, kudos to the Poison Control Center for making Britney wear that hazard warning directly above her hoo-ha. With that precaution in place, people everywhere will know to induce vomiting after any accidental contact. Safety, folks! It’s the name of the game. Also, should it by chance get in your eyes, the skull-and-crossbones indicates you should flush with water. Or, in Britney’s case, bleach. Maybe pinking shears. Whatever it takes to un-burn the image of her cooch from your mind and stop you from shrieking and rocking back and forth in the fetal position. A little whiskey-and-sleeping-pills cocktail couldn’t hurt, either.

More of dread pirate Fatbeard after the jump

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