While I find their periodical the literary equivalent of Jeremy Piven waving around a turd on a stick, Maxim magazine is gracing us with a list of the World’s Unsexiest Women in their next month’s issue. Rounding out the top five are Britney Spears (#5), Madonna (#4), Sandra Oh (#3), Amy Winehouse (#2) and Sarah Jessica Parker. Notice anything curious about their list? Britney Spears is number five. SJP might have a horseface and a mole you could land a chopper on, but I’d still have sex with her before I’d get anywhere near Britney’s bologna casserole. I would also have sex with hobo or a hot curling iron before Britney, so… Catch-22. I think the real question here is ‘Would you have sex with Jeremy Piven?‘ And the answer to that is “I’d rather stuff my vagina full of dynamite and head for that big mattress in the sky.” Money, baby!

SJP filming in Central Park last week:

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline spent three glorious hours in court on Friday in yet another child custody hearing. After seven or so smoke breaks Britney left the courtoom sobbing, stopping only to yell obscenities to the media parked outside. Extra reports

When asked by [a] reporter in the hallway outside a Los Angeles Superior courtroom as to how she was doing, Britney Spears shouted out, “”Eat it, lick it, snort it, [fuck] it!” [and] walked back into the courtroom crying.

Dammit! Now what am I going to use for my sister’s wedding toast? Stupid Britney Spears ruins everything. Good thing I had a back up toast for just such an occasion: “Here’s to pussy and gunsmoke — Live by one, die by the other, and love the smell of both in the mornin!” Believe me, there won’t be a dry eye in the house on her special day.

Britney shopping at Swings ‘n’ Things on Thursday:

You probably been dying to know the secret to Renee Zellweger’s glowing complexion and alabaster skin. Paint thinner and a power sander? Lemon juice and road rash? Hot rocks dipped in hydrochloric acid? Ooh, so close! The Daily Mail reveals

Before every premiere, the 38-year-old actress undergoes a three-hour process designed to rid her skin of blemishes and keep her looking young and fresh. A special oxygen and milk facemask is applied and the face covered in two layers of clingfilm. When it is removed an oxygen spray containing vitamins is sprayed on the face and neck. Then comes the hour-long “sandblasting”, or microdermabuffing — aluminium oxide crystals are sprayed on to the face to reduce age spots and sun damage, and smooth out fine lines and wrinkles. The treatment is so harsh that she must avoid sunlight or wearing makeup for six hours afterwards.

Something about her face in these pictures just screams “chappy sea salt” and “burn victim.” And let me tell you, it’s pretty hard to scream at burn victims. Especially if they’re blind. Or covered with sea salt. It just feels wrong.

Chappy at the Bee Movie premiere last week:

Ellen Degeneres is riding high on the wave of controversy. (Jossip)

Hayden Panettiere is cheesy — cottage cheesy. (CelebNewsWire)

What do Oprah and Star Jones have in common? A throne of lies. (popbytes)

Christina Ricci’s nipples! (CityRag)

Natalie Portman will never be naked again. (BestWeekEver)

Scarlett Johansson gives her new boyfriend her wisdom tooth on a necklace. For Christmas, a sweater knit entirely from her pubes! (Celebitchy)

Because girls deepthroating bananas is sexy! (timekiller)

When you think “Lindsay Lohan” and “Britney Spears,” I know the first thing that comes to your mind is “Why in God’s name haven’t their mothers written a book on successful parenting? Or at least made a reality show chronicling their everyday experiences as an empowered single mother?” Well, the wait is over, my friends! Us Weekly reports

Britney Spears’ mother Lynne Spears is writing a book on parenting for Christian publisher Thomas Nelson. The book, which will be coming out next Mother’s Day is titled Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World. It’s a parenting book that’s going to have faith elements to it.

People magazine adds

Filming is set to begin Oct. 30 on the untitled E! reality TV series starring Dina Lohan. [Dina], who will serve as the show’s executive producer, [says] she wants the show to empower single mothers by illustrating her own life as a working mom. “It’s about empowering women to be successful single mothers. About being in the limelight without compromising motherhood. It’s about what I do, how you can be successful, and be a single mom and fulfilling your kids’ dreams. Working is my sole source of income. There are so many misconceptions about me and my family. I’m setting the record straight.”

Some little girls might say they want to be a doctor or an astronaut or even president when they grow up, but we all know that deep down, every girl’s dream is to be a coked-up slut with multiple takes in rehab. And with Dina’s new show and Lynne’s new book, you’ll be able to ensure they do just that. Girls don’t just magically turn into whores with drinking problems overnight, you know. It takes years of capitalizing on their fame and paychecks, a bitter divorce or two and completely indulging them at every turn so they see you as a friend rather than a authoritarian in order to complete the metamorphosis. Don’t let your daughters settle for a college degree when there’s a whole world of drug-fueled debauchery and chronic abortions just over the horizon!

Lindsay and Riley Giles sucking face:

I’m sure you’ve lain awake in your bed at night, trying to figure out Leonardo DiCaprio’s secret for scoring such hot lingerie-model kitty. Well, believe it or not, Leo wasn’t always such a ladies’ man. In fact, he graduated from high school jerking it just like you and me. According to Page Six

[Leonardo] was still a virgin at 17, says Russell Crowe in the new issue of Entertainment Weekly, on stands today. “You know, I worked with Leonardo when he was 17 on ‘The Quick and the Dead [1995],’ ” says Crowe. “He was a virgin, and he’d talk about that constantly. So I’m hoping we have some time so he can fill in what’s happened in between, maybe show some photos, because I’m sure life’s different now.”

Maybe show some photos? Yeah, there’s no better way to catch up with friends you haven’t seen in fifteen years than asking to see pictures of their old girlfriends’ vaginas in action. Another sure winner is pouring them a glass of “Jesus Juice” while asking about their children. Or if they ask, “So, what’ve you been up to lately?” you could pull the shotgun down from over the fireplace, pump it once or twice before pointing it at their head and say “Nothin’ you need to worry about, tough guy.” I’ve found that soiling one’s pants is a real conversational icebreaker.

Ex-girlfriend Bar Rafeali at the Galician Lingerie show in Barcelona last week:

Britney Spears has found a perfectly legal alternative for crystal meth. The only catch is you have to be narcoleptic to get a prescription. Or not! The Daily Mail reports

While the mother-of-two was out in LA yesterday, she was snapped carrying a box of Provigil in her handbag. The drug, which must be prescribed by a doctor, is used to treat narcolepsy. Neurologist Dr. Mark Milstein told Us Weekly: “This medication won’t give you a ‘high,’ like a stimulant would. The primary effect of this medication is only to help keep you from falling asleep.”

You know, I’ve done a lot of drugs in my day, but I always steered clear of the meth. I didn’t think twice about sending brain cells to a Jaegery grave or snorting two-thirds of every paycheck I earned, but I’d be damned if I was going to knowingly ingest something whose main side effect was “open oozing sores on your face.” Any idiot knows being pretty is more important than being smart. Being awake for seventy-two hours straight with a face full of cystic boils might come in handy when you’re working an all-nighter at the Taco Bell drive-thru, but it’s not gonna help you get laid like having clear skin and all your teeth and wandering around a bar in a drunken stupor. That’s why they always say “Nothin’ greases the sheets like alcohol!” It doesn’t have anything to do with the beer shits like you probably thought. Anyway, you won’t hear anybody saying anything like that about meth. That’s why it pays to be discerning when selecting your crippling addiction!

Paris Hilton’s philanthropic mission trip to Rwanda has of course been conveniently “postponed.” People magazine reports

The organization [issued the following] statement: “The philanthropic trip to Rwanda planned with Paris Hilton has been postponed. Paris has been a loyal and gracious supporter of Playing For Good, but the foundation has to regrettably reschedule this trip. Playing for Good would like to thank Ms. Hilton for her generosity and her continued support of this initiative and is looking forward to rescheduling the trip with her at a later time.”

What really happened is that Paris found out Rwanda was full of black people and that “ethnic cleansing” wasn’t African for glycolic peel and mud wrap. Oh, and before I forget, nice pants. M.C. Hammer called… and he wants to know why he has herpes.

Paris’ philanthropic club-hopping efforts earlier this week:

Watch the funniest movie deaths ever. (CraveOnline)

Lance Bass and Fifty Cent ’bout ta throw dayown, paperback-style. (MollyGood)

Halloween pranks where people get hurt are awesome! (timekiller)

I give you the only must-read book of the year: “I Am America, and So Can You.” Read it, you commie! (pajiba)

Have yourself a peeksie up Marissa Tomei’s skirt. (The Grumpiest)

Tom steps out without his lifts and Katie’s spine-telescoping-device. (CelebSlam)

Pamela Anderson like the blow. Also the wiener, but that’s a story for another day, right? (Celebrity Smack)

Whoever sold Beyonce the beige lycra leotard with rhinestones should punched in the kidneys. Hard. (Fatback)

Jessica Biel goes all “angry old man with an umbrella” on some paps who dare to take her dykey picture. (The Blemish)

Halle Berry wore a cleaving-baring Versace gown to the premiere of her new movie ‘Things We Lost In The Fire’ at the London Film Festival, but her mind was still on the fires raging along coastal California. She told Bang Showbiz

“I live in Malibu and so I’m very worried. I’m worried for my friends, my neighbors and my own property too. But it’s Mother Nature and she’s angry.”

Dear God, Please tell me Halle’s currently in the middle of filming “Swordfish II.” Peace on Earth and goodwill towards men. Don’t forget about the boobs. Amen.

P.S. Boobs.

Well, here it is in black and white, folks: David Copperfield is a dirty fucking rapist. According to the NY Daily News

A friend of the woman’s [said] “Copperfield invited [the woman in question] to a lavish party at his remote compound in the Bahamas, but when she got there, she discovered there was no party and no other guests. She wanted to go home right away, but David [said] she could leave the next day if she really wanted to. That night, Copperfield forced himself on her, holding her arms down on the bed, leaving her with terrible bruises. She told me she fought back, but that just seemed to turn him on more. After Copperfield had finished with her, [she used] her cell phone to take photos of the crime scene. In order to preserve physical evidence, she didn’t shower. The next day, she went back home to Seattle… and drove straight to the Harborview Medical Center, where medical personnel performed a ‘rape kit’ on her.”

Agents from Seattle’s FBI office later coordinated a sting operation with the woman - encouraging her to e-mail the magician and arranging a meeting in Vegas, according to the friend.

Movies like “The Prestige” and “The Illusionist” might have convinced you that magicians are totally cool and powerful, but I’m here to remind you they’re not. They’re huge queers like Criss Angel and that douchebag who locked himself in underwater bubble for a week. Blain? Bain? No matter. For all practical purposes his name should have been “Cum Stain.” Look, having millions of dollars and a show in Vegas doesn’t erase two decades spent as “Eliazar the Infernal Voice Third Level Elven Rogue” or an adolescence filled with purple nurples. It takes several years of hard drinking and a lot sex with prostitutes before you can really ever shake those shackles of dorkdom.

Here’s Jessica Simpson (with SNL alum Cheri Oteri) at the Frederick’s of Hollywood 2008 Spring Collection yesterday, because Jessica has nice legs and David Copperfield doesn’t:

Britney and K-Fed attended their first court-ordered class at the Beverly Hills Hotel yesterday morning. People magazine says

The Parenting Without Conflict program… teaches cooperative parenting and communication skills. Part of the program is doing drills called “polite requests.” “Instead of saying ‘You’re always bringing the kids home late because you’re an insensitive jerk,’” explains a supervisor for the program, “We teach parents instead to say ‘When you bring the kids home late, I feel like you’re not valuing my time, and I feel hurt or angry as a result.”

TMZ adds

Sources say Britney was actually looking forward to discussing parenting with her ex — however, after arriving at the location, Brit was distraught and seen bawling like a baby in the bathroom. It’s only the third time Brit and K-Fed have been in the same room since they separated.

I guess it’s hard to make “shut your fuckin’ legs, bitch — I can’t breathe!” and “I hate you and wish you were dead” a polite request. Hard, but not impossible. All Kevin had to do is adopt less accusatory phrasing and add a “please” or “could I trouble you to…” to his entreaty. Voila! — polite. That also works great in public settings with people you don’t know. For example, let’s say the waiter brings you a regular beer instead of a light. Make direct eye contact, smile, speak from your diaphragm and say, “I see here that you brought me a regular Corona. While I appreciate the gesture, I ordered a Corona Light.” Or maybe some guy lights up next to your asthmatic child at the park. Once again speaking from the diaphragm, annunciate clearly and say, “Hey, faggot! If you don’t put out that cigarette in the next ten seconds, I’m going to stab your mom and your sister the throat with this rusty kitchen knife because I know where they fucking live. Thanks.” Follow that up with a firm handshake and a sincere smile and enjoy the ensuing social pleasantry wherever you go!

More of Britney’s imaginary dance-off