Halloween was last night, and I hope that you, like Paris Hilton, had enough decency to wear a slutty camoflauge corset “for the troops because they’re having a hard time right now and don’t really get to celebrate Halloween.” (Watch the above clip if you think I’m making that quote up.) Our boys overseas are too busy dodging roadside bombs and 14 year-olds armed with RPG launchers to go around with their tits and asses hanging out, carrying little pumpkin pails and pounding on Iraqi doors for handfuls of candy. I guess it’s all for the best, because over there you never really know when you might get a handful of smallpox or C-4 in your pumpkin instead of a Mr. Goodbar and some Skittles. Those Shiites are quite the pranksters! They really put the “trick” in trick-or-treat. Such a impish bunch, the Iraqis. I even heard the Kurds used to TP Sadaam’s palace every year and egg a few of his Benzes until he finally pumped them full of nerve gas and cyanide and cluster bombed the fuck out of their houses and like 70,000 of them died. Only I think they called it “Bloody Friday” instead of Halloween. But anyway, don’t worry, boys! Paris Hilton dressed like a whore ought to make your missing limbs and third-degree burns and partial brain damage all worthwhile. You can feel free to break into “God Bless the USA” anytime now.

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