Katie “Kate” Holmes got a record five hours and twenty-nine minutes away from Tom Cruise this weekend when she participated in the New York City Marathon on Sunday. People Magazine reports

She got a quick, wet one from husband Tom Cruise as she entered the final stretch to the finish line in Central Park. Tom and Suri, as well as his mother and Holmes’ parents, were all at the finish line to greet the runner, who seemed anything but exhausted, despite the strenuous day she had just endured. She made it to the bitter end around 3:30 p.m. with a final time of 5:29:58.

And she apparently made it all 26.2 miles without wearing a bra. Yow. Every fibrous connective tissue in my breasts would have snapped by mile two if I passed on a sports bra. I probably would have finished the race skipping rope with them or swinging them lasso-style to achieve lift off. But see, I’m not stupid enough to run 26 miles in a fucking circle. If I’m sprinting anywhere without a bra on there had better be a fire or a crazy midget in a gimp mask hot on my heels or an all-you-can drink buffet within eyesight. “Personal achievement” doesn’t exactly make punching a co-worker and falling down a flight of stairs seem acceptable the way Jose Cuervo does. I’ll take the road to nowhere the old-fashioned way, thank you very much!

Related Stories

• Somebody’s Getting a Visit to the Chamber!
• Tropic Thunder Gets Retard Boycott
• The Sisterhood of the Tight-Rolled Pants
• Tom Cruise Sued, Kicks Mother Out
• Katie Holmes is Broadway Poison