Once again, Jessica Simpson’s father is responsible for her latest boyfriend. And by “boyfriend,” I of course meant “guy who uses her boobs for target practice until her crippling self-esteem issues shrivel up his penis like a big jar of hot brine.” Page Six reports

Jessica Simpson has her daddy, Joe, to thank for her new love, quarterback Tony Romo. A pal said, “Joe is a huge Dallas Cowboy fan, and Tony has always had a crush on her. Tony… called Joe and said, ‘I know she’s not dating anyone right now, can I take her out for a drink at least?’ They’ve been dating for a couple of weeks now, and Jessica is so happy.” The lovebirds are so into each other that Romo joined the Simpsons for Thanksgiving.

Pretty much anything having to do with Jessica’s vagina is courtesy her pervert father. Ten bucks says he called Page Six with this story himself, then finished it with a “check out her awesome tits!” while holding his hands out a foot from his chest and making honking sounds. I’m glad he took a little time off from taking dirty pictures of her to pass her ass along to some whoremonger formerly linked to like seven other Hollywood sluts (including Britney Spears). That’s like finding a used condom underneath a passed-out hobo and offering to stuff it inside your eldest daughter just in time for her new country album to drop. The only difference is the passed-out hobo happens to make $67.5 million dollars and be on TV a lot. It’s practically a country song in the making!

Jess at Birds Bar last week:

Thought you knew everything there is to know about Britney Jean Spears? Think again. According to Rush & Molloy

The pop star’s Mulholland Drive mansion is equipped with a double-locked, X-rated “Fantasy Room” filled with ticklers, whips and fur-trimmed handcuffs hanging from the metal bedframe… a mirrored ceiling, a glass jar containing spanking paddles and a closet full of kinky outfits, according to an “insider” who stumbled into the den of sin. “She wears Catholic schoolgirl uniforms, a maid’s uniform and a Cinderella outfit,” claims the mole. “Britney is sexually obsessed.”

I suppose “ugly stepsister” is technically a type of Cinderella outfit. So, what about feces, then? You can’t have a den of inquity without a little human waste smeared on the couches:

Star’s source also claims the house is a stinky sty — that the white couches bear hideous stains of diaper-changing and Britney’s dog. According to the tab, a “court-appointed watchdog” is set to declare the place a potential “health hazard.”

Just who is Britney handcuffing to the bed and letting shit all over the couches? According to the magazine,

Her “new squeeze” is Michael Marchand, a Hollywood waiter and aspiring actor. But his mom insists that they’re “just friends” who like “watching videos together and playing Scrabble.”

Scrabble. You’re telling me Britney Spears plays fucking Scrabble in her free time. By “play” I guess they mean “try to eat the little squares and have to be given the Heimlich.” Because arranging the letters to spell “poo,” “ass,” and “dum” and then laughing hysterically is not playing. I know. Otherwise, I would be the undisputed Scrabble King. So, in short, the only thing Britney is missing? Another bastard child:

Star quotes “multiple independent sources” as saying Brit is expecting again. “Yes, I am pregnant and I am shocked — almost four weeks to be exact,” says Brit, or someone claiming to be Brit, in a message on her MySpace page, according to Star. “I don’t really know if I’m happy or sad I’m just … [I don't know] I am happy I guess. I saw the ultrasound and it was really kewl!”

Unfortunately, with the internet, there’s no way to know if it was really her or not. The “kewl” is certainly indicative of Britney Spears, as is the posting on MySpace, but we’d still need to see the actual computer to know for sure. You just can’t tell from someone’s blog if their keyboard is splattered with nacho cheese and feathers and crystal meth. Or if it’s covered in vomit and tears of shame and self-doubt. That’s what makes blogging the perfect job for me!

Britney on Thanksgiving day:

Get ready to replace that Paris Hilton CD you’re always crankin’ in the car with the latest studio release from Lindsay Lohan. Female First reports

Lindsay Lohan is set to record a new album - tentatively titled ‘Nobody’s Angel’ - because she is under contract to Universal Music Group. A music insider [said]: “She is only recording another album because of a contractual obligation to Universal.” However, one of Lindsay’s employees insists the star is looking forward to returning to the recording studio, saying: “Lindsay always planned to release a third album.”

The only thing that could make a Lindsay Lohan album any better? A drunk Lindsay Lohan! According to Gatecrasher

“[Lindsay] has been drinking a little bit,” a pal tells us. “Over her week in New York, she did have a few drinks.” A separate source tells us that she had at least one big fight with her Utah beau, Riley Giles, who joined the Lohan family for the holiday. But the first source says Lindsay’s alcohol intake was in moderation. “For Lindsay, her real problem was drugs, not alcohol,” says the friend. “The drug use was way more intense than her party drinking. As long as she isn’t doing drugs, she’s okay.”

If anything could drive me to start drinking again, it’d be the realization that I’m having intercourse with some faggy Brandon Davis look-a-like snowboarder. Snowboarding ranks somewhere in between “Double Dutch Champion” and “Greenbrier Mall Arcade Manager” on the scale of “Jobs That by Their Very Nature Squelch Any Possibility of Quality Tail,” or JTBTVNSAPQT as it’s commonly referred to in The Wall Street Journal. I’m still not entirely sure what this “NASDAQ” they’re always referencing stands for, but you can bet your sweet bippy that if it has something to do with snowboarding, the S and D stand for “super duper” and that last Q means “queer.”

Lindsay in an equally faggy hat:

Paris Hilton upskirt — front and back! (Celebrity Smack)

Oprah has made her choice — and expect middle-aged white women to vote accordingly. (Jossip)

Even a cross-dressing Cate Blanchett can’t save this one. (Pajiba)

This finally answers the age old question: can kangaroos masturbate? (timekiller)

Amy Winehouse pulls the plug on the rest of her tour. (Evil Beet)

The source of Brendan Fraser’s new hair revealed! (CityRag)

She might be 40, but Kate Walsh looks pretty hot in a bikini. (Fatback)

First pic of Salma Hayek’s new baby! (Celebitchy)

You could send Kate Moss flowers, but I bet all she really wants a bouquet of coke. (popbytes)

Kim “Whore of Babylon” Kardashian reportedly had valuables stolen out of her luggage as she shamelessly whored herself out posed with fans at JFK airport. TMZ reports

[Kim] and sister Kourtney… were approached by fans and paparazzi, including several Delta employees. A source close to Kim [says] that when several Delta employees asked for autographs and photos with her, items were somehow lifted from her bags, [including] $50,000 worth of diamond jewelry, a Cartier watch, and a laptop and digital camera — contents unknown! Kim’s reps are looking into the possibility that she was set up by employees working for the airline.

It’d be so freakin’ easy to pull a fast one on Kim Kardashian. All you’d need is a sure-fire way to distract her and you’re in like flynn, baby. Like holding up a mirror, for example. The stupid slut can’t resist the call of her own reflection. Waving around a couple of twenties and a black guy’s penis would also probably do the trick. Then all you’d have to do is take cover under her enormous fake ass and wait for the right moment to escape through the nearest ventilation shaft. It’d be like shooting fish in a barrel. And not just because of the smell, either. Zing!

Kim at Intermix airport on the 24th:

How do you celebrate Thanksgiving à la Lohan? Why, by dragging your new boyfriend up for a weekend of group therapy and ignoring you. Just like the Native Americans did all those years ago! Page Six reports

“The Lohan family [sister Ali, 13, mother Dina and father Michael] sat down for a therapy session in Manhattan together [on Thanksgiving],” said our source. Younger brother Dakota, 11, was allowed to skip the session.

Lindsay’s latest fling, fellow ‘habber Riley Giles, spent the holiday weekend partying in the city without his girlfriend. While [Lohan] spent Friday and Saturday shopping with her mom and sister, her new boyfriend slept late on Saturday, having partied the night before at Pink Elephant.

Even sober Lindsay Lohan can’t find a guy who wants anything to do with her outside her vagina. If it doesn’t involve a) boobs, b) boobs, or c) anal, there’s no viable reason to spend any time with her. At least before rehab, hanging out with Lindsay meant tons of free blow and vodka. Now it’s all “equine-therapy” and “authenticated self-actuation” and “gentle sobbing.” Bleh. Riley could just pay a therapist to watch him jerk off and avoid the middle-man^* altogether.

*Lindsay Lohan’s mom

Lindsay at the Marmalade Cafe in Malibu yesterday:

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s just something different about actor Brendan Fraser here lately. Brendan who? No, you remember — that guy from “Encino Man.” The ugly bug-eyed one. Let’s ask the Daily Mail:

It was clear in 2003 that the one time pin-up was thinning rapidly, but as he wrapped filming the third installment of the Mummy franchise in Shanghai yesterday, his long mane had made a rather miraculous comeback. Perhaps it’s courtesy of a hair transplant or an old fashioned toupee, but whatever the case, he looked to be rather pleased with the result, giving fans a thumbs up as he left the studio.

You know, that reminds me of a certain scripture. Just let me grab my Bible and — let’s see… oh, yes — here it is! From II Kings 2:23:

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. “Go on up, you baldhead!” they said. “Go on up, you baldhead!” He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths. And he went on to Mount Carmel and from there returned to Samaria.

Given my vast hermeneutic knowledge of the Bible, now we just sit back and wait for the bears to start mauling Brendan. I’d probably start with an all-bear viewing of “Son-in-Law” followed by a couple of rounds of “poking with sticks and air horns.” Then we just let God do his stuff!

Various stages of denial and male-pattern baldness:

A judge ruled yesterday that Britney Spears will get Christmas morning with the kids, but of course that could all change if she’s found guilty of abusing them. Hope y’all wanted a stocking fulla mama’s backhand for Christmas! According to Star Pulse

Troubled pop star Britney Spears and her ex-husband Kevin Federline are both under investigation by the Los Angeles County Department of Child and Family Services. DCFS will appeal to Commissioner Scott Gordon to open the files regarding the care of their young boys, Sean Preston and Jayden James. The department’s concerns are said to be “frivolous,” but DCFS has a legal obligation to investigate any such claims.

Britney hasn’t been permitted any unsupervised time with her kids for months now, so I doubt the investigation involves her beating them. Accidentally ashing in one of their eyes or running over one of them with her car, sure. But not physical abuse. Unless you count being related to either one of those douchebags abuse, in which case you should lock them both up and throw away the key. You know, because Britney might try to eat it. I’m pretty sure in her head, “shiny” = “butter-flavored and delicious.”

Britney at Mirabella last week:

Here’s hoping Hayden Panettiere ends up in the trunk of some 40-year old pervert’s car. (Webster’s My Bitch)

“The Bachelor,” now with domestic violence! (About: Celebrity Gossip)

Cindy Crawford, genetic perfection at 41. (Drunken Stepfather)

Britney Spears is still on the highway to hell. The only difference is the kiddies aren’t sitting in the back of the car. (MollyGood)

Looks like Lindsay Lohan is back on the blow. (Gabsmash)

Elisha Cuthbert, room mother to the stars. (The Bastardly)

We might have won the Cold War, but they still have us beat in the sexy practical joke department. (timekiller)

Not to be outdone by the “beehive blow,” Amy Winehouse debuted the “titty toot” at a concert in London last week. Gatecrasher says

Pictures from a concert in London on Thursday show [Amy] retrieving something from her bra and pressing it to her nostril behind the cover of a silk scarf. Coming less than a week after she was photographed with white powder in her nose, fans wondered aloud if she were bringing her drug use to the stage.

Fans “wondered” about her on-stage drug use? Jesus H. That’s like finding a huge dick in your ass and then “wondering” if you’re gay. Come on! Of course you’re gay. At the very least, you’re a Republican senator or Tom Cruise.

The oh-so-clever bra to nose transfer:

If you’ve always wanted to know what Tara Reid smells like, you’ve come to the right place, my friend. Here’s a hint: it ain’t self-esteem! According to Rush & Molloy

Don’t look for Tara Reid on another episode of “Scrubs.” Appearing at the New York Comedy Festival, show creator Bill Lawrence said Reid was his least favorite guest star - “not because she wasn’t a nice person,” but because she allegedly stank of booze and smokes. (Reid’s rep didn’t return an e-mail.)

Just booze and smokes, huh? No mention of ball sweat and desperation? Strange. Well, if you want to imbibe the heady scent of Tara Reid for yourself but don’t live in L.A., you could try this handy alternative: lure a couple of homeless winos and some former teenage runaways turned prostitutes into a tiny, poorly-ventilated room, then crank up the heat while making them do jumping jacks and mountain climbers. Make sure they all have lit cigarettes and a couple of bottles of Thunderbird. It’s fine if a couple throw up or use the corner as a toilet — it just adds to the authenticity. Now lock them in said room for three days to allow the subtler notes to ferment, open the door and mist with Britney Spears’ Curious and voilà! — Tara Reid. The only difference is the smell won’t sleep with you.

Tara stinkin’ up The Ivy November 23rd:

The Daily Mail has a first-ever look at Portia de Rossi’s and Joely Richardson’s lesbian scenes in the upcoming season of “Nip/Tuck,” and boy are they hot. Like desert hot. You know, where everything is all parched and shriveled up and withered and unsexy. I believe I’ve kissed my little sister with more tangible passion. Also my own reflection and my dog on a dare. The only way the producers could have made this any less erotic is if they’d cast Estelle Getty and Rhea Pearlman instead of Portia and Joely. And even then it’d only be slightly worse, like “being attacked by a black bear” versus “being attacked by a black bear while Justin Timberlake’s ‘Futuresex/Love Sounds’ plays in the background.” You’re still pretty much screwed either way.

More dry, clinical lesbian action (all LSFW):