Singer Gwen Stefani is reportedly three month’s pregnant with husband Gavin Rossdale’s child. London’s The Sun says

Gwen Stefani has confirmed she is 13 weeks pregnant with bambino number two. A source said: “They found out at California’s Cedars-Sinai hospital and couldn’t wait to share the news with everyone.”

Anything that keeps her out of the studio is fine by me. A baby, a tumor, a bear, whatever. Just no more “Hollaback Girl” or lifting from “The Sound of Music.” I swear you could use those songs like Chinese water torture to get terrorists to confess every detail of their plots to take down the U.S. Headlines would read: “Great Satan Saved By Great Escape” and “Gwen Stefani Winds It Down!” That’s of course when we start praying for the bear or the tumor again and hope for a little divine intervention.

Gwen at LAX this past weekend:

Sobriety keeps eluding Lindsay Lohan, probably because she hits the club scene three nights a week surrounded by the same crowd she kept before rehab. According to Rush and Molloy

The “I Know Who Killed Me” star knocked back “at least two” vodka cocktails Friday night at the Beatrice Inn and later snapped at snappers trying to take her picture. Lohan, who checked out of a Utah rehab center in October, downed the drinks while partying with ex-boyfriend Stavros Niarchos and MTV reality “star” Brody Jenner, sources tell us.

“Lindsay is learning how to work through her addictions and, once in a while, she chooses to have a cocktail,” says a friend, attempting to explain. “People overexaggerate her behavior when in fact on Friday night, many people commented to her on how composed she was.”

No one comments on how “composed” you are when you’re stone cold sober. The only time composure is noticed by your party-going peers is when you’ve had eight martinis and a couple of lines in the bathroom and you can still walk and not slur your words. Then they say stuff like “Man, she’s been drinking like a fucking sailor all night and she hasn’t fallen down yet! Unbelievable!” And then another friend might add “Yeah, but ten bucks says she passes out under that table in fifteen minutes.” And then another would pipe up “I’ll take that bet!” and someone else chimes in with a “Care to make it interesting? Twenty says she gets fucked in the bathroom before she actually blacks out under the table.” “In the ass or the vagina?” “Double or nothin’ she gets it in both!” Then a chorus of laughter and high-fives. Just watch the video of my 21st birthday again and you’ll see that I’m right. Believe me, for the first twelve or so minutes of the party, everybody keeps saying how composed I look. Then they wink and tip back an imaginary bottle and do that tongue-in-cheek thing for blowjobs and mime throwing up. My friends are all a bunch of assholes.

Lindsay out Saturday night:

Sam “Piss on Your Dead Mom” Lutfi and Britney Spears had a huge fight last night outside the gates of her Summit home over her relationship with Final Pixx photographer Adnan Ghalib. The public screaming match ended with her storming out of the car and down Muholland Drive barefoot, clutching her rat of a dog and bawling while she called Adnan to come pick her up. OK! Magazine says

Adnan told the pop star to go home and he’d meet her there. He tried to punch in the security code to the gate [when he arrived], but it didn’t work. He then reportedly called the house but Britney didn’t answer. Now OK! has learned that it was Sam who changed the gate code and disconnected the numbers to Britney’s six cell phones and her house phone. Frustrated, Adnan then asked the security guard let him in, but the guard told him he was under strict instructions from Sam not to let Adnan past the gate.

Adnan later told a paparazzi photographer that Sam was sending him threatening text messages, calling him a “manic trigger” and telling him, “If you continue to have any contact with her, you’ll kill her.” At 9:00 p.m., Britney reportedly jumped in her Mercedes and went speeding down Coldwater Canyon Drive with 15 to 20 paparazzi in tow. She abandoned her car in the San Fernando Valley sometime around 10 p.m. and jumped into Adnan’s car.

With TMZ adding:

The LAPD were called to the scene to contain the paparazzi crush that was trying to shoot the fight.

Curiously, a similar incident went down at Seabreeze Vista trailer park in Inglewood last night around ten-thirty p.m. Elwood “T.J.” Thompson, 19, and brothers J.T. and P.J. Rogers were arrested outside a mobile home belonging to Vicky Jo Tanner and Marlene Mayburs, both exotic dancers at T.J.’s Bare ‘N’ Legal Barbeque Buffet. All charges against Thompson were dropped once it was discovered Tanner set the fire herself and was never in fact pregnant. Mayburs and Rogers were arrested for public intoxication and indecent exposure and possession of a controlled substance without a prescription. I swear, it’s almost like Britney’s looking in a goddamn mirror or something!

UPDATE: TMZ is reporting that Britney’s parents and sister all came down to L.A. last night to stage an “intervention” on her behalf. Yep, looks like that went just swimmingly!

Tears of a clown:

No, really — they do make leotards out of peacock feathers. Ask Kelly Rowland. (MollyGood)

Britney Spears inside a Hustler porn shop! (Websters)

Even three months pregnant, Alessandra Ambrosio still makes the Victoria’s Secret catalog. (Rad Report)

Britney’s wardrobe malfunction, now with exciting 100% nipple additive! (Tasteful Celebs)

Is that Angelina Jolie on your arm, or are you just happy to see me? (City Rag)

Clay Aiken doesn’t like sex with men. Or with women. My guess: strictly sock, baby. (CelebSlam)

Hayden Panettiere tries to save the whales with a appropriately-themed sweatshirt. (NinjaDude)

Act now — Britney, now with third-person ramblings and hysterical breakdowns caught on tape! (popbytes)

It was revealed today that Britney Spears’ latest manager and BFF Sam Lufti — who told Barbara Walters this morning that Britney was in the process of seeking treatment for “mental issues” — had three separate restraining orders taken out against him in California before becoming Britney’s constant companion. Danny Haines, one of the people who obtained a court order, told Blender magazine (via Page Six):

Lufti told [me I] should “just kill [my]self” when the friendship soured. Lufti was “more jealous than a lover [and would go to extremes, telling [me I] was a “worthless mother[fucker]” one minute and that he “loved” [me] the next. When Haines eventually cut him off, Lufti humiliated him, e-mailing naked photos of him to his family, friends and co-workers. He texted and called incessantly and, according to court documents, told Haines he hoped his sister would be “raped to death.” In one e-mail to him, Lufti wrote of Haines’ mother that he hoped “Satan devours her flesh and bones” and he looked forward to the day when he would [piss] on her burial.”

Sounds like one of those rare cases when you’d rather open up the door and see Amy Fischer on your front stoop. Sure, Amy might blow off half of your face at point-blank range, but at least she’d leave your mom and sister out of it. Sam Lufti would sodomize your mailman and urinate on your fifth-grade chorus teacher if thought it would teach you a lesson. The lesson being “I’m a stubby little fruitcake lunatic with something to prove.” Really, if he would just went around introducing himself that way, he could totally save his wiener and his lawyers a little down time.

Now, for my favorite part of completely useless red carpet productions like the Screen Actors’ Guild Awards last night: making fun of the celebrities and their overpriced couture dresses! I deemed Ally McBeal actress Jane Krakowski “Ugly Cake Taker” for this year’s SAGs. And boy, sags is right. That could be one of the most unflattering necklines and décolletage displays I’ve ever seen. She looks like she ought to be rotating on a spit with an apple stuffed in her big ugly pie hole. It’d be better if instead of the ruching there were coconuts and some girthy Hawaiians about to dump her in a volcano. You know, appease the gods of fashion. Namely me. I demand sacrifice!

The bad, the worse, and what-the-fuck-is-that? after the jump

(more…)

The Sopranos won big at last night’s Screen Actor’s Guild Awards, which is surprising in that the last two or three seasons sucked and nobody I know even watched it anymore, which is precisely why I wasn’t watching the SAGs in the first place. That, and The Big Lebowski was on cable again. You’re killing your father Larry!

My vote for best-dressed goes to Angelina Jolie and her pregnancy-concealing vintage Hermes gown. She was one of maybe four women there without a shellacked helmet of forties-era waves or what I like to call “open-casket makeup.” Angie spent the evening making out with Boxcar Bradley Pitt, who by the looks of it hopped the rails from Tulsa to get to the show.

My other favorites included Kate Beckinsdale, in a bright yellow Luisa Beccaria gown reminiscent of the one Michelle Williams wore to the Oscars a couple of years ago:

Becki Newton from Ugly Betty in a similarly tiered Elsie Katz gown:

Marion Cotillard from La Vie en Rose in Nina Ricci:

Debra Messing in Oscar de la Renta and a whole lotta visible scalp:

and Michelle Pfiefer and Sophia Bush working the neutrals:

Check out the complete list of winners here.

It’s Monday, so thus continues the sisyphean task of mocking Britney Spears. Last week, paparazzi boyfriend Adnan Ghalib gave an exclusive interview to Entertainment Tonight (see Friday’s clip above) to address rumors that he’s been cashing on his relationship with Sad Tits McGillicuddy. He’s got on a face full of makeup and a Brazilian wax on his chin and he sounds just as insane as his idiot girlfriend. Highlights from the portion of the interview that aired Monday included this little gem, via MSNBC

“People don’t like happy in Hollywood,” opined Ghalib. “People don’t want fairy-tale happy endings. I don’t think anybody wants her to be happy. It’s sad but it’s very, very true.”

Oh, yeah — this has the Brothers Grimm written all fucking over it. There’s tons of nipples and exposed genitals and dirty looking guys with trimmed pubes in the classic fairy tales. Just watch “The Little Sperm Maid” and “Skinderella” again. “Booty and the Beast” was practically written for Britney Spears. Belle just needs to make sure and have a British accent and maybe shave herself bald after one of the airtighting scenes. And they lived happily ever after! The End.

Princess Britney out on the town Saturday night:

Fox News’ John Gibson is sorry. Sorry you’re such a panty-waist crybaby! (Jossip)

Enter a whole new world of fug with JLo and Marc Anthony. (Websters)

Eddie Murphy wanted to bring his mother on his honeymoon. Hello, Oedipal complex! (Celebitchy)

Janice Dickinson got fisted by Sylvester Stallone! (Defamer)

Jamie Lynne plans on giving up her bastard child to her mother. (Hollywood Headache)

Worst. Bond title. Ever. (Best Week Ever)

Eva Longoria unleashes her inner animal. (UseMyComputer)

Meg Ryan has definitely passed her prime. (The Bastardly)

Mel Gibson broke off his friendship with Heath Ledger on account of the gayness in Brokeback Mountain. I’m sure he and John Gibson have a lot to laugh about. (Celebrity Smack)

A douchebag kid hellbent on hijacking a plane and crashing it into a Hannah Montana concert in Louisiana was arrested in Nashville, Tennessee (Woo! Tennessee!) Tuesday night. Fox News reports

The 16-year-old boy was removed from Southwest Airlines Flight 284 Tuesday night by authorities at Nashville International Airport and found with… handcuffs, rope and duct tape in his bag. It has not been determined if the boy was trying to crash the plane… into a “Hannah Montana” concert in Lafayette, Louisiana. The teen is believed to be suicidal.

Bolds said the teen was calm throughout the flight and never made an attempt to hijack the plane but told the FBI after he was apprehended about his original plans to commandeer the aircraft. Authorities searched the teen’s home in California and found a mock cockpit.

“His plan had a low probability of success,” [FBI spokesman] George Bold said.

It’s a real shame. That’s the kind of terrorist movement I could actually get behind. Also anyone willing to purge the airways of “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody” and Nickelodeon’s “Drake and Josh.” Justifiable Jihad, baby!

A “scantily clad” Britney Spears parked outside a Beverly Hills elementary school last week — chain-smoking and talking to herself — and told a fellow parent she was there to pick up her children. No, wait — somebody else’s children. Uh, her lawyer’s children. She then of course left with no children. It’s Britney, bitch! The parent told Us Weekly

“She was just rambling and confused. She said, ‘I’m here to pick up my kids.’ But then she changed her story and said, ‘They aren’t my kids; I have a new attorney, and I came to pick them up for her.’ All I could think was, Who in their right mind would let her pick up their kids? [Before she drove off without any children, she told me] ‘You’re so nice. You should give me your number. I don’t have very many friends.’”

You half-expect a passel of stray cats to come crawling out from the center consul and underneath the seats and while she’s talking to you. Maybe a couple peering out from the folds of her muumuu and two or three eyeballing you from the headrests. She’d call them all “my preciouses” and let them lick her teeth while she’s talking and her eyes would be all unfocused and she’d screech a lot at nothing and wring her hands and moan, like a real-life version of the crazy cat lady from the Simpsons. Only with saggier tits and a fake British accent.

In case you missed it in the quickies, Britney at Petco yesterday:

Angelina Jolie is rumored to be pregnant again — and this time, with twins. According to Star Magazine

Angie only discovered that she is eating for three over the past week. Rumors of pregnancy have swirled since she appeared at the Critics’ Choice awards on January 7 looking considerably healthier than the almost skeletal figure she had become. While Brad drank beer and others at their table downed champagne, she stuck to water. “Brad and Angelina are absolutely ecstatic,” a second source says. “But I still think there will be more adoptions to come.”

The two extra kids will bring the Jolie-Pitt family up to six children, all aged under seven. They have three adopted children and Shiloh, their daughter, who was born in May 2006.

All they need now is one more kid after the twins, and then Brad and Angie’s “Operation: Snow White” can finally be set into motion. The children will all be assigned their slave names — Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy and Sneezy — and start working the diamond mines in Botswana and the Congo for a handsome profit for Brangelina Enterprises. Acquiring the children is the easy part. Teaching them to whistle while they work and wash up before dinner is where you really start running into trouble.

Those pictures from the Critics’ Choice Awards that sparked the pregnancy rumors: