It really got ugly when George Clooney ran into his best friend Brad Pitt’s ex-wife Jennifer Aniston outside Bar Nineteen12 at the Night Before gala in Beverly Hills on Saturday. And by “got ugly” I mean “she sprinted away huffily.” Take that, you silver-haired rake! OK! Magazine says

“George attempted to be friendly, but Jen wasn’t having it,” one eyewitness tells OK!. “After enduring a few minutes of the actor’s presence, Jen turned on her heels and made a beeline for the Sunset Ballroom.” Courtney, naturally joined Jen, leaving… husband David [Arquette] to make awkward small talk with George.

Nothing shows somebody who’s boss like running away from them. Like France in World War II or my birth father when I was four, it’s the only way to truly convey what a sniveling little coward you are. Wetting your pants and screaming for mommy comes in at a distant second.

Topless-dancer-turned-Hollywood-screenwriter Diablo Cody has inspired strippers nationwide with her big Oscar win Sunday night. According to Page Six

The topless talents at Rick’s Cabaret NY were so excited about Cody being up for Best Screenplay Sunday night, they stopped dancing and stayed glued to the big-screen TVs as the winner was announced. They burst into tears when they heard Cody’s name. “She proves that if you follow your dreams, anything can come true,” said a busty brunette. The girls even made a plaque that reads: “Dedicated to Diablo Cody, who has taken our calling to new levels.”

Then the manager clapped his hands together brusquely with a sharp “Hey, hey — ladies! These men aren’t going to dry-hump themselves for sixty bucks a pop! Stuff your dreams back in your g-strings and let’s see us some titties!” I’m sure it’s just a matter of time ’till they tear down Scores and erect a library in her honor.

P.S. Erect!

The Dr. Florence Sabin of our generation at the 2008 Film Independent’s Spirit Awards Saturday:

Pam Anderson has officially filed for divorce from husband number three Rick Salomon. Again. Page Six says

The two were married on October 7, 2007. Pam filed for divorce the first time on November 27, then withdrew the petition. Just two weeks later, the couple separated. [According to] court documents, Pam says she wants the marriage nullified based on fraud.

“Fraud?” Did Rick pass himself off as the preeminent scholar in the field of Medieval Amatory Tradition and Monastic Theology again? A good rule of thumb, ladies, is if he has his high school equivalency and sex tape with Paris Hilton, he’s probably not the early Renaissance academician he claims to be. It’s a tough lesson for any girl to have to learn.

A couple of promos from Pam’s new cinematic masterpiece “Superhero”:

They’ve found a way to make Rachel Bilson ugly less cute, and it involves “bangs.” (MollyGood)

Speaking of bad hair, Janet Jackson tries out a new wig! (Jezebel)

Homer Simspon says it best: Mmm… Hugh Jackman… rghlrghlrrghaa… (Websters)

Want to see Best Original Screenplay writer Diablo Cody topless? Yeah, me neither. (Drunken Stepfather)

Aaron Carter thinks crack is wack. (Bastardly)

Paris Hilton and Benji Madden are bumpin’ uglies. Literally. (Celebrity Smack)

Jennifer Aniston puts her eggs in the freezer for now. (Pretty Boring)

Is singer Nelly Furtado pregnant? (About: Celebrity Gossip)

Kirstin Dunst emerges from rehab just as ugly as before. (CelebSlam)

Video footage of Lindsay Lohan piss-drunk and eating the pavement. (Ninja Dude)

Can you figure out what’s wrong with this picture of Christina Aguilera? I’ll give you two guesses. Hint: it rhymes with “moobs.” Still nothing? Look again:

My superior logic tells me these are either implants encased in scar tissue or a pair of hydrocelphalic twin stowaways on the S.S. Frankentits. Bon voyage, mateys!

The mighty vessel docked at Club Villa on Sunday:

Look out, fashion world — Amy Winehouse is launching her own clothing and make-up line! For a couple of quid, you, too, can look just as sexy as the girl pictured above. London’s The Sun says

Amy has a meeting scheduled for later this week to discuss the project with fashion and cosmetics experts. A pal revealed yesterday: “There could be hairspray, head scarves, liquid eyeliner. There’s a lot of money to be made. It’s a very distinctive look.”

Well, “syphilitic pirate” and “down-on-his-luck cobbler” are distinctive looks, too, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to appeal to the public at large. And even if they did, why would the public pay to look that way when they could just pass out headlong in a drainage ditch after a night of binge drinking and huffing VCR head cleaner for free? If she really wants to appeal to her target demographic, she should come out with a line of stick-on tattoos and black tooth wax and a little something called Junkie Splash^TM — now with genuine Amy Winehouse¹ urine! Hepatitis and self-loathing sold separately.

¹_{Or hobo}

Actress Brittany Murphy’s incessant demands are starting to become a problem on the set of her new movie “Across the Hall.” According to Page Six

Murphy has been making outrageous demands while acting “like a diva,” said one insider. “She’s extremely difficult. She’s so hot and cold, you never know.” Murphy insists on having diagonally cut peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with the crusts removed… “every hour. It’s painstaking - her assistant takes about a half an hour making each one.”

I also knew a guy who regularly demanded his sandwiches be cut at 45 degree angles with the crusts removed. A real tyrant, that guy. He also insisted we only watch The Wiggles during prime time and would scream like a banshee if you tried to check the scores between “Farmer Brown” and “Romp Bomp A Stomp.” Needless to say, we sold him to to a band of wandering gypsies for donkey and a bag of magical beans. Not that you could get that much for Brittany Murphy. Maybe if you threw in the donkey.

Brittany as Stevie Nicks leaving the Max Azria after party Feb 4th:

As of last month, Jamie Lynn Spears is the proud owner of one bonafide high school equivilancy diploma. A friend of the family tells People Magazine

“She’s already got her diploma. She wants to take her ACT. She’s not wasting any time. Everybody is so supportive of her.”

Yep, a future just doesn’t get any brighter than “pregnant teen with a GED.” According to all those commercials that come on between Divorce Court and Springer, Jamie Lynn now has an exciting future ahead of her as a welder, electronic systems technician, medical assistant, paralegal, or many more! And also, if she has been recently injured or diagnosed with an illness, she should contact the law offices of Bart Durham to see if she is entitled to compensation for her injuries. “Justice is your right… and we DEMAND it!” Representing the Injured and Disabled for Over 50 Years.

Jamie house-hunting with her mom last week:

Saturday Night Live is suddenly relevant again! (Jossip)

Jimmy Kimmel is fucking Ben Affleck. (The Blemish)

Lisa Rinna actually doesn’t look like an out-of-work female impersonator! (UseMyComputer)

Joe Simpson is such a damn dirty skeeze. (Seriously? OMG)

Sean Penn’s new girlfriend is super-hot supermodel Petra Nemcova. (Celebitchy)

Attention Titantic losers: Kate and Leo back together again! (popbytes)

Pregnant Angelina collapses on a flight from Iraq! Dun-dun-dun. (Gabsmash)

The Academy gives the finger to Brad Renfro. (Websters)

Meet the “Groundhog Day” of action flicks. You might want to remove your shoelaces before watching. (Pajiba)

Mariah Carey insists on traipsing around town topless. (CelebNewsWire)

This has to be a record year for my annual “Worst-Dressed at the Oscars.” This time around there were no Bjorks in swan costumes, no bicycle shorts with trains, no goth nipples or backwards suits. That’s not to say there weren’t some real stinkbombs, ’cause there were. Starting with Best Actor Daniel Day-Lewis in a brown-piped tuxedo and his wife in a be-broached, be-bowed, lace/taffeta/velvet masterpiece. That dress had it all! I bet there’s even a Swiss Army knife built into one of the sleeves. And don’t let’s forget the shoes. Like the rug in The Dude’s living room, those shoes really tied the look together.

Now, for the rest of the night’s fug after the jump

(more…)

It’s that magical time of year when the weeks of drinking laxative tea and binge exercising until their little black hearts almost give out pays off in spades for Hollywood actresses. It’s called the Academy Awards, and thanks to the timely end of the Writer’s Strike, it went off without a hitch last night. The big winner of the evening was “No Country for Old Men,” taking home the Oscars for Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Adapted Screenplay. There were various other boring awards for movies you’ll never see, but I know you want me to shut the hell up and start talking fashion. This year’s Oscars was all about fabric — the more fabric, the merrier. Plenty of ruching, gathering, organza overlay and fishtails. My favorites of the evening were Penelope Cruz in her custom Chanel gown and Kerri Russell’s vintage floral necklace. But there were plenty of others…

Anne Hathaway’s flowered and draped red Marchesa gown somehow made it despite my first instinct to write it off for excessive use of foliage. I usually detest red lips, too, but she manages to keep hers from looking harsh and Bozo-the-Clownish. Her hair and the rest of her makeup is very simple, which keeps the gratuitous excess of the dress in check. Congratulations, Anne — you defied the odds:

Cameron Diaz wore a pale pink Dior by John Galliano bustier gown. I’m not wild about the dress, but I like the color, and that business at the hips works for her because she’s built like a twelve-year old boy:

Jennifer Garner wore a black silk taffeta Oscar de la Renta fishtail gown. I think Oscar could have eased up on those big fat ruffles at the bottom and Jen’s hair looks like a damn combover, but overall it was a success:

Penelope Cruz had a navy Chanel Haute Couture feathered gown designed specifically for her for the big event. It’s over the top and princessy, I know, but for some reason I love it on her. She kept her jewelery and makeup simple, and like Anne Hathaway, that keeps the dress from looking garish. Kudos:

Nicole Kidman wore classically simple black Balenciaga dress. The main attraction here is obviously the 1,399-carat diamond L’Wren Scott necklace hanging down to her waist. I went back and forth on this one. It kind of looks like she pulled down a chandelier from a late nineteenth century whorehouse and draped it around her neck. But then again, I really like her dress. And diamonds are shiny. You see my dilemna here. I’ll leave it up to you:

Hilary Swank has a knack for red carpet glamor. Her one-shouldered Atelier Versace gown isn’t my favorite of the dresses she’s worn, but it’s not bad either. Makeup, hair and accessories are all simple, which makes the flowers on the bodice not as hideously distracting:

Renee Zellweger gives a whole new meaning to the term “alabaster” in her hand-embroidered Carolina Herrera gown. I have to hand it to her — she looks fantastic. And her face is way less ruddy and scabby than usual. Looks like Chappy really dressed to impress last night!:

Keri Russel’s 46-carat-diamond H. Stern necklace paired perfectly with her strapless Nina Ricci organza bustier dress. I loved her look more than any other of the night. That necklace is fantastic. Not so hot? Standing like you’ve got gout:

Laura Linney wore a black strapless fishtail Michael Kors gown with a diamond and blue topaz pendant. Simple, classic, elegant, blah blah blah:

Kristin Chenoweth worked an hour-glass figure in a sheer black Armani Prive dress. Her hair looks like crap, but I love the diamond cuff and her skin is like buttah. Nice rack, too. Hooray for boobies!:

Angelina Jolie officially announced her pregnancy on Saturday without actually officially announcing it by showing up to the Independent Spirit Awards in a skin-tight black dress showcasing a visibly pregnant belly. You know, using your clothes to make a statement can be a very effective way to communicate without using words. Like when you had a monster boner in the seventh grade and the teacher made you go to the board to diagram a sentence, for example. Your pants effectively communicated your love for nominative pronouns and objects of the preposition to the entire class. And then our snickering and pointing effectively communicated our delighted contempt for you. Sometimes words only serve to get in the way.

Angie and Brad at the Awards Saturday in Santa Monica: