Jennifer Aniston and singer John Mayer were seen sharing a romantic lunch at Michael’s Genuine Food & Drink in Miami over the weekend. Granted, this has Ashton Kutcher’s Pop Fiction-y stank all over it, but Jen’s just desperate enough to make it believable. According to OK! Magazine

During their 90-minute meal, Jen, ordered the chopped chicken salad while John, 30, enjoyed a Serrano ham sandwich. The… two shared a chocolale and peanut butter layered dessert. Later that evening, the two met up for dinner at Casa Tua on South Beach.

Sounds like love is on the menu for these two sexy stars!

All I know is if some guy in coveralls tells you “love is on the menu tonight,” you need to find some Vaseline and whiskey pronto. And also, saying “love is in the air” is way funnier than saying “whoever smelt it dealt it.” Words to live by, my friends! Words to live by.

Jen on the set of “Marley and Me:”

John Travolta unveiled a dashing new mustache for his role as Ryder in the remake of the 1974 classic “The Taking of Pelham 123.” According to the Daily Mail

Joining Travolta in [an] all-star cast will be Oscar-winner Denzel Washington and James Gandolfini [as] the Mayor of New York, struggling to outwit crime boss Travolta, who is holding the city to ransom.

Oh, yeah. That moustache really screams “boss of a group of mobsters.” Only replace the word “boss” with “queen” and the word “mobsters” with “an Indian, a sailor, and a cowboy in buttless chaps.” A stirring biopic chronicling the rise and fall of the disco era. Rated R for language, drug usage, and super-duper overt gayness.

On the set and at Michael Eisner’s Walk of Fame induction:

Miley Cyrus issued a statement apologizing for those suggestive MySpace pictures and for a photo shoot in next month’s Vanity Fair in which she appears to be topless. People Magazine quotes her as saying:

On Vanity Fair:

“I was so honored and thrilled to work with Annie [Leibovitz]. I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed.”

On the MySpace pictures:

“The pictures of me on the Internet were silly, inappropriate shots. I appreciate all the support of my fans, and hope they understand that along the way I am going to make mistakes and I am not perfect. I never intended for any of this to happen and I am truly sorry if I have disappointed anyone.

Most of all, I have let myself down. I will learn from my mistakes and trust my support team. My family and my faith will guide me through my life’s journey.”

The Disney Channel’s spin on it:

“Unfortunately, as the article suggests, a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines.”

And lastly, Vanity Fair’s take on it:

“Miley’s parents and/or minders were on the set all day. Since the photo was taken digitally, they saw it on the shoot and everyone thought it was a beautiful and natural portrait of Miley. The photo suggests that she is [naked], but she is not. She is covered by a sheet, and beneath the sheet she is clothed.”

Originally, she was in a flesh-colored tank top but was asked to remove it.”

And MY take on it:

Jesus H. Christ. If we’re going to start arguing the hypersexualization of little girls, how ’bout we start with those god-awful Bratz dolls that every seven year old in pigtails seems to have? That Vanity Fair photo is no more provocative than a halter top, but this little yo-ho looks like she’s about to offer me a half and half plus Greek if I want to come up three o’clock. Those are awfully big words to have to explain to a second grader. Fortunately, pointing and lewd hand gestures still do the trick in Nepal. Sex sells, sweethearts!

UPDATE: Now with more hot daddy-on-daughter action!

Lee Lee boo-bie! (UseMyComputer)

Burt Reynolds presents: expression-free banality, shitty sunglasses, porn mustaches and a father telling her daughter she’s not allowed to whore herself out anymore. Sounds just like my sophomore year of high school! (Pajiba)

Mischa Barton takes the next logical step in her career — taking her top off. (Jossip)

I guess swallowing semen for a living really hasn’t paid off for Jenna Jameson in the looks department. (CelebFart)

Harrison Ford gets his chest waxed for charity. (Dlisted)

Julianne Moore looks like a much younger Lindsay Lohan! Maybe it’s the exposed nipples. (Fatback)

Tina Fey gets groped by her best friend’s husband. (Websters)

Angelina Jolie finally breaks out of the black. (I’m Not Obsessed)

Christina Ricci raped by an ape! No, not Jeremy Piven. A real, bonafide primate. (Bumpshack)

Mariah Carey somehow convinced New York to light up the Empire State Building pink in her honor. (Celebitchy)

A noticeably NOT pregnant Ashlee Simpson on the cover of Shape magazine. (The Bastardly)

Carmen Electra set to get married a third time, this time to boyfriend Rob Patterson of Korn. Is that true love I smell? Or did somebody just forget to flush again. According to People Magazine

Patterson, 37, who is the former touring guitarist for Korn, popped the question over the weekend while he and Electra were in Las Vegas to celebrate her 36th birthday. The couple have been dating less than a year.

Mind you, this woman got drilled by Dennis Rodman. More than once. A six foot seven inch black guy. I bet having sex with her now is like stirring a cup of coffee with a spoon. Sure, it’s warm and wet, but you have to really swirl it around to hit all the sides. Congratulations, Korn guy! You really won big.

Vegas Birthday bash:

A judge sentenced Wesley Snipes to three years in prison for tax evasion yesterday. TMZ reports

Snipes was convicted in February on three misdemeanor charges for not filing his taxes. The government claimed he owed $2.7 mil — but Snipes’ attorneys argued it was just $228,000. No fine was imposed, but the three-year sentence was the max he could have gotten.

Snipes was not forced to surrender immediately. Instead, the judge ruled he could surrender at a later date, closer to his New Jersey home.

A fair sentence, to be sure. Only a year for each of the Blade movies. That’s a cake walk. I would have thrown in the Judas Cradle or the Spanish Donkey just for “Too Wong Foo” alone. Something with a little more bite and 16th century Germanic Europe feel to it. There’s not a single modern-day equivalent evil enough to slake the cinematic sin that was Noxeema Jackson.

Amy Winehouse sobbed all the way to the London police station today where she is being questioned in conjunction with that head-butting face-punching rampage that happened late Wednesday night. But don’t think a date with the boys in blue curtailed her fun the night before! It’s Amy Winehouse! Don’t let’s be silly. The Daily Mail reports

After a quick session in a local pub, she headed round the corner to the Made In Brasil restaurant, where things started to turn ugly. Amy was apparently asked to leave after she was caught taking drugs in the toilet. She then rounded up her friends and headed to her flat to continue the party. On her way there, she stopped off at a shop to stock up on disposable lighters.

Well, don’t think she can’t afford those Bics, because it was announced yesterday that she had entered the Sunday Times list of Britain’s wealthiest young millionaires with an estimated fortune of 20 million. However, the paper did not specify if that was 20 million dollars American, 20 million British pounds, or 20 million used syringes and scabs scattered around her apartment. But check out that 20 million dollar smile! Four out of five dentists agree that gingivitis is leading cause of tooth decay.

Tears of a clown:

Sith Lord Tom Cruise is returning to battle Oprah for the first time since his infamous couch-mounted attacked in 2005. According to Us Weekly

Three years after his memorable couch-jumping episode, Winfrey will interview Cruise from his home in Telluride, Colorado, on May 2. Cruise will [then] appear in her Chicago studio for a second taping on May 5.

The two-part show coincides with the 25th anniversary of Cruise’s famous flick Risky Business. Friends and colleagues will surprise him with taped messages, according to Harpo Productions.

Maverick in “Top Gun,” gone he is. Consumed by Darth Insanitus. Only a fully trained talk show host with the force as her ally can defeat him. Mind what you have learned, Oprah! Save it you can!

The unedited couch-jumping clip after the jump, but this one’s way better

(more…)

Britney Spears makes FHM’s Sexiest List. You can now start wiping your ass with it. (MollyGood)

Jackie Chan wired, computerized, and slow-motioned into something resembling ballet. Boo! (Pajiba)

Rumer Willils for Wal-Mart! (Websters)

Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr’s nude modeling pics hit the net! (NinjaDude)

James Franco offers acting lessons online. Lesson one: pretending you’re stoned. (The Rad Report)

Denise Richards gets the grass skirt but skips out on the coconut bra. (CelebSlam)

The bear that wrestled Will Ferrell in Semi-Pro kills his trainer. So, maybe smacking around wild animals is a bad idea? Who knew! (CelebSmack)

The Congo is struck by penis thievery! Just one more reason not to vacation there. Well, that, ebola, and maybe Somalian pirates. (Best Week Ever)

Kim Kardashian without makeup, but this time, with long-lasting camel toe action! (The Grumpiest)

Jada Pinkett Smith debuts the signature piece from Prince’s and Joe Dirt’s new wig line, the Cock Blocker.^TM Available at Rite-Aid and other fine discount retailers near you! Unrequited lesbian yearning sold separately.

UPDATE: Moving it up because a mullet that awesome deserves top billing.

Amy “Receding Gums” Winehouse is facing up to six months’ jail and a $4,000 fine for allegedly assaulting two men while bar-hopping in Camden. Well, not so much hopping as “staggering” and “stumbling.” London’s The Sun says

The junkie singer, 24… headbutted a Good Samaritan who hailed her a cab outside a bar… [and] punched Moroccan musician Mustapha el Mounmi [in the face] after he refused to give way to her at the pool table. The married singer also [made out with] a mystery fella and [overturned] tables and drinks.

She was later seen smoking drugs in the street and walked into a lamppost.

She’s like some wonderful beehived amalgamation of the Tasmanian devil and Nick Nolte come to life, isn’t she? I sort of imagine her whirling and snarling and flailing everywhere she goes, leaving a trail of broken bottles and overturned tables in her wake. And then a lot of indecipherable blathering that occasionally gives way to a projectile vomit or two, like “Sod off, you bloody bug — BLAAAAARGH!” and then a lot of splattering and bystanders screaming and running for their lives.

Perhaps as a side effect from all the evil, supermodel Naomi Campbell is slowly going bald. The Daily Mail reports

[At] the opening of night of La Fille Du Regiment in New York last night [Naomi's] hair extensions revealed a wide parting, and what looked like hair loss. The model’s natural hairline appears to have disappeared, with her hair extensions - or weave as it’s more commonly known - starting quite some way back from where the hairline should be.

So there is some credence to the expression “I’m gonna snatch you bald-headed.” I always though Grandmama was making that up. God only knows what “slap the snot outta you,” “be on you like white on rice,” and “beat the livin’ daylights outta you, missy” actually look like.

Before and after: