Kate Hudson was caught doing it with Lance Armstrong in the bathroom at a party in Cannes. According to Showbiz Spy

A witness spoke to Hudson in the bathroom at a Dolce & Gabbana event when Armstrong walked out of one of the cubicles. The source said: “I asked her what she was doing. Kate blushed and laughed - and then Lance walked out of a stall topless!”

Just a reminder: every time a person flushes a toilet without a lid, a fine mist of feces or urine (or both, if you’re lucky) sprays out in a ten foot radius from the bowl and coats everything in sight with a nice thick layer of piss and shit. Interesting side note: the average public stall is only 36 inches wide. Ten foot radius. I’ll give you a minute to do the math here. Take your time. Pretty sexy, huh? In fact, I’d say the only thing sexier than doing it in a public restroom is maybe doing it in a truck stop shower after Daytona Bike Week. Those bastards really know how to get down and dirty.

At the Dolce and Gabanna party on Friday:

Kirsten Dusnt is opening up about her trip to rehab earlier this year, blaming her little stint in the Cirque Lodge on her sad feelings instead of a problem with booze. E! Online says

[Kirsten said,] “There’s been a lot of misrepresentation about what is going on in my life. I didn’t go to Cirque Lodge for alcohol abuse or drug abuse. I went there for depression.”

While naysayers out there may groan that a young, wealthy Hollywood starlet should have nothing to be depressed about, Dunst says mental illness doesn’t know any such boundaries. “We’re all in the same boat together,” she opines. “Depression is pretty serious and should not be gossiped about.”

With so many Hollywood stars battling mental illness — Winona Ryder, Jim Carrey, Owen Wilson, to name a few — it begs the question “Does acting itself create emotional instability, or are those drawn to acting already dissociative by nature and therefore prone to mental unbalance?” You know, the whole “chicken vs. the egg” debate. Well, there’s one thing we can all agree on: Kirsten Dunst’s face probably passed through a chicken’s birth canal at some point. Science says it’s the only real explanation as to why it looks that way.

R&B singer Ray J was kicked out of a Washington D.C. Hyatt Regency early Saturday morning for possession of the hallucinogen known as PCP. According to TMZ

Ray J went to his room after partying it up when hotel management got a complaint. Security went up to the room where they allegedly found… a stash of marijuana and the [club drug PCP known as] “Boat.” The singer tried to bribe hotel security so he could stay but they didn’t bite.

When the hell did PCP become a “club drug?” Kids these days. I watched an episode of COPS one time where this guy was high on PCP and it took nearly six cops half an hour to wrestle him to the ground. They tased him like five times and hosed him down with pepper spray and the dude didn’t even flinch. I think they finally had to shoot him in the knee to bring him down. If LSD is the respectable banker uncle at the family reunion, then PCP is the belligerent cousin who shows up with a shotgun down the front of his overalls yelling about communist bears stealing beer out of his trailer again. Yeah, I think I’ll pass.

Ex-toilet Kim Kardashian at a nightclub in The Hamptons on Sunday:

Pete Wentz finally gets the word “douchebag” tattooed on his face, four years too late. (Seriously? OMG)

Britney Spears‘ $10 million comeback. (CelebWarship)

Matthew McConaughey has a brother named Rooster who named his son Miller Lyte. No effing joke. (Websters)

Christian Bale give “Details” details on his batsuit-inspired claustrophobia. (MollyGood)

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt’s future husband turns two! (popbytes)

Michael Lohan confirms that Lindsay Lohan in fact likes the poonanny. (Celebrity Smack)

Speaking of La Lohan, guess who’s marrying her lesbian lover at Dolly Parton’s theme park in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee? I’ve never been so proud to be from the Volunteer State! (CelebNewsWire)

Mario Lopez‘ Russian girlfriend slips a Ruski nip. (Drunken Stepfather)

Amy Winehouse flashed her undergarments to the waiting paparazzi as she exited a cab from Pentonville Prison yesterday afternoon. Daily Mail says

After rushing to the north London prison in an attempt to see [incarcerated husband] Blake [Fielder-Civil], Amy was told she couldn’t see him and was seen crying in her taxi. Upon returning to her Camden apartment, upset Amy shoved photographers out of the way as she rushed inside with her kebab dinner.

She was on her way to a possible conjugal with the hubby, which begs the question: what the hell is that? Are those actually underpants? Is it a maximum protection sanitary napkin? Or could it be a thousand angels’ wings fluttering in unison from the from the entrance of gateway to heaven? I’m afraid the world may never know.

More heavenly goodness:

Daddy Spears is definitely earning his $10,000 the hard way — from regularly checking Britney’s undercarriage for panties to dutifully trailing along whenever she ventures out of her house. Nine MSN says

The court appointed guardian/doting dad was on the ball at Christina Aguilera’s birthday party this weekend. When he spotted a video camera filming Britney, he quickly whisked away the glasses of alcohol all around her.

The clip of him whisking away the plates of chocolate cake from her was way funnier, but the National Wildlife Service is using that footage as filler in their documentary “When Hippos Attack.” Available July 2008!

If you aren’t sufficiently sunburned and hungover from your Memorial Day weekend, allow me to make you hurt a different way: I present Jennifer Aniston’s and John Mayer’s sex life, in gruesome detail! Get ready for it to start burning when you pee. A source tells Star Magazine

The singer covers [Jennifer] with whipped cream, which he licks off, tickles her with feathers and uses ice cubes to give her goosebumps. John also likes to keep things interesting with games like role playing. He [is] kinky.”

Kinky my ass. “Kinky” is a zippered gimp mask, a couple of two-by-fours and a trapeze that doubles as a pillory, not Reddi-Whip and the trial-size bottle of warming personal lubricant that came free inside a box of Always with Wings. I liked that kind of erotic adventure better back in ‘86 when it was called “9 1/2 Weeks” and didn’t have a blues-roots-meets-pop sound and a feathered pompadour.

On the set of “Marley and Me” with Owen Wilson:

Just after taped jail conversations between Nick Hogan and his mother were made public on Friday, Nick’s “sister” Brooke was involved in a car accident on Sunday. She writes on her MySpace:

“I don’t know if you heard, but my friend and I got into a really bad car accident today ourselves… As I turned on my car I clicked my seatbelt. As we pulled out onto the road, I looked over and realized my friend didn’t have her seatbelt on. I reminded her to put it on and the minute she clicked it, a car crashed into us. It was a horrible car accident, one that most would be severely hurt in, but we had our seatbelts on and they kept us in tight.”

Then her passenger friend added:

~~~Hey this is Brookes friend and passenger, I just wanted to say that Brooke basically saved my life by making me wear my seat belt ….She is such a great friend and a good person! You all should know that! check out what I have to say on my MySpace… I’m on her top friends : La♥La

Well, let it be said that John Graziano’s debilitating head injury and permanent vegetative state were not in vain, because it kept Brooke Hogan and a Teletubby from getting hurt in a car accident. Granted, Brooke and company weren’t pushing Mach 5 into a concrete abutment with a bloodstream full of Bud Light, and Brooke could have probably just grabbed the speeding car by the fender and hurled it over a cliff Hulk-style before it ever touched them, but that’s not the point. The point here is that Brooke Hogan looks like the fucking Iron Monger in a blonde wig. Run fast. Run far.

On the set of her reality show last month:

Hot guy in speedo wipes out on diving board. Comedy gold! (Banda Podre)

Spend all day typing out conspiracy theories with the same fingers you use to prod around in your own asshole, digging for nuggets of wisdom? Then I have the movie for you. (Pajiba)

Michelle Williams laces up and looks magnifique. (Websters)

Nobody wants to look at Petra Nemcova. (CelebSlam)

Jenna Jameson — the new Angelina Jolie! Only with more hep C and vaginoplasty. (Celebitchy)

Jessica Simpson cheated on Tony Romo! (Allied Is Wired)

Terrence Howard will kill a motherfucker. Especially if he’s trying to bone his teenage daughter. (Jossip)

Ashlee Simpson shows up looking very NON-pregnant in a bikini. (pretty boring)

Christina Ricci was photographed yesterday looking like she ought to be crouched behind an underground organ in a Paris opera house instead of leaving a Beverly Hills tanning salon. She’s a dead ringer for Lon Chaney’s 1925 Phantom. Luckily, what the original Phantom of the Opera was lacking in purging noises and compulsive exercising, Christina Ricci deftly brings to the table with her index finger and esophageal sphincter!

Unrelated Naomi Campbell crying at her 38th birthday on P. Diddy’s yacht:

Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen are still taking turns humiliating each other via the media, with Denise telling Page Six this morning:

“Last week, I sent Charlie a text message asking him if he’s going to Family Day [for daughter Sam's school] and letting him know Sam was sick with a cold. His response was, ‘I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore.’”

And regarding that unfortunate sperm-request email that Charlie now wants to have analyzed by experts on live TV?

“I don’t want Charlie’s prostitute-tranny-infested sperm. I have two beautiful kids. We’ll leave it at that. I am so over him. He’s the one who can’t move on. He’s disgusting and he’s hit an all-time low.”

You know, there’s the high road, and there’s the low road. And then there’s sewer lines swollen with gallons of human excrement just underneath the low road. See if you can guess exactly where Charlie and Denise are at this point.

Cancerous retard leaving the CW11 morning show yesterday:

Lindsay Lohan was photographed “necking” with rumored girlfriend Samantha Ronson at P. Diddy’s yacht party in Cannes yesterday. The Sun says

In one shot Lindsay nuzzles the DJ’s neck, while in another they’re holding hands leaving at 5:30 a.m. A fellow guest said: “They looked like proper lovebirds. And they didn’t care who saw them draped over each other.”

Rumours that Lindsay and Samantha were lovers started last year.

In Lindsay’s defense, it’s pretty hard to resist the call of a pork pie hat. Next to a heartfelt ballad played on the didgeridoo or a your collection of mint-condition Star Wars action figures, it’s practically the only thing guaranteed to moisten a girl’s panties. Well, maybe a good kick in the bladder, too. But that’s just not as sexy.

Yielding to the pork pie call in at Dolce & Gabbana in Cannes: