Paris Hilton Pregnant?
Tags: Paris Hilton, pregnant, rumors
Paris Hilton’s reps are denying the heiress is pregnant after pictures of her with a protruding belly sparked baby rumors yesterday. London’s The Sun says
Many websites claimed Paris is sporting a mini baby bump underneath her floaty green dress. But the party girl’s representatives have been quick to deny she’s pregnant, insisting these claims are “completely false”.
Of course she’s not pregnant. No sperm could survive in that kind of hostile environment more than ten minutes. Fifteen, tops. I’d be willing to bet that if you looked inside her vagina a half hour after intercourse, there’d just be a lot of bubbling and hissing sounds, like you were frying bacon in hydrochloric acid. And you might see occasional shriveled and disfigured spermatozoa emerge from the mist, rattling chains and moaning like some kind of a seminal Jacob Marley on Christmas Eve, and right in front of the cervix would be a hand-lettered sign that read “The End Is Near — John 3:16.” You’d be better off spilling your seed in a ten-gallon drum of radioactive waste than dropping a load in Paris Hilton. At least your baby has a chance of turning out to be a superhero that way.
11 Comments, Comment or Ping
CaptainInsano
That bump is probably due to malnutrition. It’ll be interesting to see if she gets even skinnier now since people basically just called her fat.
Jun 6th, 2008
abby
Binge and purge, binge and purge.
Jun 6th, 2008
spatz
please……oh please. don’t joke about her being pregnant. thats a tell tale sign that the end is near
Jun 6th, 2008
sonya
Oh hell, that was nicely written.
Jun 6th, 2008
open mouth jones
Aaaaah. It’s good to be back.
Thanks for an excellent and incisive article, abby.
Jun 6th, 2008
David Santos
Nice, nice and very nice Baby! Happy weekend.
Jun 6th, 2008
Cat
Just another publicity stunt by a superficial phony.
Jun 6th, 2008
Moonbeam
I bet she felt left out of all the celeb baby rumors and called her publicist for advice on how to get her own rumors started. come on it’s Paris… really..then again.. maybe she couldn’t handle her former bff Nichole having something she didn’t… Who knows.. or cares with Paris.
Jun 7th, 2008
bionic bunny
i agree with sonya.
i especially liked the use of the word “seminal” in that context. *claps hands with glee*
but i’m very disturbed by:
1. parasite made the comment a few months ago that she wished to get pregnant in the very near future, and,
2. that “outie” belly button.
may the good lord have mercy on us all.
Jun 7th, 2008
I Hate Hollywood
Shes a showbiz seeking bitch. I dnt care if shes pregnant. The only thing i worry about is the baby if she preggers,. If its a boy then i wonder hw long that relationship will last before shes bored n wnts 2giv birth 2anova one n so on n so forth. N if its a girl i just see stripper poles in her future. She will fuck up her kids like shes fucked up her own life!!!!!!
Jun 8th, 2008
Cat
She’s faking it to get attention. What is the matter with you people?
Jun 9th, 2008
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