Yeeeah! - Snarky Celebrity Gossip

S.S. The Mystery of Tina Fey’s Facial Scar Solved

Phil — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 21:22:26 +0000

The signature scar running down Tina Fey’s left cheek is not the result of a wayward whip-cracking or a battle with a Jedi-trained Rattataki female like you probably thought. The NY Daily News reveals

The 38-year-old comedienne was attacked by a stranger in a violent slashing incident when she was five. “It was in, like, the front yard of her house, and somebody who just came up,” Fey’s husband says in an interview with Vanity Fair.

Fey says she doesn’t like to rehash the incident because “it’s impossible to talk about it without somehow seemingly exploiting it and glorifying it… I’m kind of able to forget about [the scar], until I was on-camera, and it became a thing of ‘Oh, I guess we should use this side’ or whatever.”

That just goes to show you the power of a name. Get knifed in the face and your name is upbeat and perky, chances are good that you’ll still live a life of success. Get knifed in the face and your name is something like “Solomon Grundy” or “Oswald Cobblepot,” and you’re going to end up plotting your revenge from a sewer with flippers instead of hands. That’s precisely why no comic book villains are ever named “Tina.” Fact.

Tina Fey in Vanty Fair:

Quickies: Jam Out with Your Clam Out

abby — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 20:33:08 +0000

Danielle Lloyd girds her perfect loins in the optical spectrum of light. (Drunken Stepfather)

The Kristen Stewart from “Twilight” is a actually a huge cunt. Fact. (The Blemish)

It’s officially unofficial: Angeline Jolie is NOT pregnant. (CelebSlam)

Abigail Clancy sexes up the December issue of FHM. (The Bastardly)

How do you ruin a Keira Knightley/Sienna Miller fantasy? Those opaque tights and hideous bangs, for starters. (Use My Computer)

A boob — made out of Barbies! (CityRag)

Ellen DeGeneres tricks Mariah Carey into admitting she’s pregnant! (Websters)

If you want Santa to shit down your chimney, then Vince Vaughn’s your boy. (Pajiba)

Tina Fey got knifed in the face and lived to tell about it! (Mollygood)

Mary-Kate Olsen might be pregnant… or just not anorexic anymore. (Bricks and Stones)

The Top Ten Naked Women who Rock! (Mr.Skin)

Winona Ryder Steals Again

abby — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 19:18:58 +0000

Once again Winona Ryder finds herself the victim of a “misunderstanding” that could easily be construed as “blatant theft” — a diamond ring and bracelet on loan to Klepty McStealsalot mysteriously went missing from her Madrid hotel. TMZ says

Winona was in Madrid Sunday for a Marie Claire event. Marie Claire had given Winona a [$125,000] Bulgari bracelet and a ring to wear, [along with] a dress and shoes.

After Winona left Madrid, the bracelet and ring turned up missing. Winona claimed she went to the front desk at the hotel and gave the jewelry to the front desk, but the surveillance cam doesn’t show her doing that.

So… security cameras can be used to prove your innocence? Wow. Didn’t see that one coming. I’ll just be adding that to my “Reasons to Install a Hidden Camera in My Anus” list, right between “extreme impact porn market” and “irrefutable proof of alien probes.” Note to self: genius.

Wearing the jewelery in question at the Marie Claire Prix de la Mode Awards last week:

Cruise Gets Anti-Scientology Book Yanked from Amazon

abby — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 18:18:41 +0000

Tom Cruise is denying claims that he strong-armed Amazon into pulling an anti-Scientology book from its virtual store shelves last month. The book in question is John Duignan’s “The Complex,” in which the former high-ranking member details his escape from Scientology’s elite “Sea Organization” (sounds gay). According to the NY Daily News

On Oct. 31, Irish publisher Merlin released “The Complex.” Five days later, Cruise dropped by Amazon’s headquarters to glad-hand staffers and host a sneak peek at his new movie, “Valkyrie.”

A few days later, Amazon’s British Web site stopped selling “The Complex.”

“I believe Tom Cruise influenced them,” Duignan [says]. Cruise’s rep denies that charge.

Awfully big coincidence, don’t you think? He just “shows up” at headquarters and the book mysteriously disappears from inventory? It’s a lot like that whole sex scene gone missing from Katie Holmes’ “Thank You for Smoking.” You can’t just go throwing your Hollywood weight around every time a person threatens to expose you as a lunatic fraud or your spouse as a cock-hungry tit-flasher. If you really want your “problem” to go away, you bury it in lime and break out all the teeth so the cops can’t use dental records to ID it. Duh!

Celebrating Thanksgiving in central park with the Beckhams:

Ginger Spice Geri Halliwell Shows Her Ass

abby — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 16:04:26 +0000

Ever wonder what getting a quick peek up your mom’s dress would be like? Well, here you go. And just for the record, you make me sick. Pervert.

Ginger Spice Geri Halliwell at the Children’s Baftas:

Meet Michael Phelps’ New Girlfriend, Caroline Pal

abby — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 15:30:13 +0000

I hope everyone out there had a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoyed their time off! I know I did. Typing with your face is really hard and barf makes all the keys stick together, so posting hungover is never really an option for me.

And speaking of barf — gold medalist Michael Phelps is so serious about his new girlfriend Caroline Pal that he took her home to spend Thanksgiving with his family. And just who is this princess who’s captured his heart? People Magazine reveals

Pal [is] a waitress at the Palms Casino Resort’s Moon Nightclub.

The Olympic champ has been dating Pal, 26, for about two months. The two met after his record-setting performance in Beijing last summer.

Nothing like a family holiday where drinking is encouraged to test the fortitude of one’s new relationship. Especially if the new girl you’re debuting is some skank whose only talents seem to be “too ugly to be a showgirl” and “possible distant cousin of Tila Tequila.”

All class:

Britney Makes Her Comeback at the Bambi Awards

abby — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 15:51:21 +0000

It’s a Thanksgiving miracle! Britney Spears made her “comeback performance” at the Bambi Awards in Dusseldorf last night, performing “Womanizer” to a house packed full of Germans. Just how a country who considers David Hasselhoff a musical genius ended up hosting a music awards show remains a mystery to me. Frankly, if it doesn’t involve “Farfegnugen” or “The Final Solution to the Jewish Question,” Germans should probably just stay the hell out of it. Wiener schnitzel and have a great holiday weekend, snarkistas!

Now for some REAL German musical talent:

Happy Thanksgiving!

abby — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 14:16:21 +0000

It’s that special time of year, folks, when we gather together with friends and family to celebrate the most successful cultural obliteration in the world’s history. Let’s all take a page from Twilight’s Kristen Stewart and pass the peace pipe and the small pox blanket and remember what we’re really thankful for — Squanto’s lack of foresight. Without it, none of us would be here! Snarky Thansgiving, bitches!

S.S. Blake Lively: Got Cleavage?

Phil — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 16:59:53 +0000

The good thing about girls with moley tits is that you always have an excuse to stare at their cleavage. And when they get all huffy and make some comment about your gaucheness, you can just stroke your chin and say, “As a doctor, I have to express some concern about that mole on your chest. The (choose one of the following: asymmetry, color, raised edges) could indicate squamous cell carcinoma, the second most common cancer of the skin. Do you mind if I take a closer look? It’s okay, because I’m a doctor.” It helps if you keep a stethoscope and mirrored headband in your pocket for authenticity’s sake. And then when they get close, use the mirrored headband to look up their skirt while taking a cell phone picture of their “mole” (re: boobs) “to send to your lab for analysis.” It’s like taking candy from a baby. I find girls are real suckers for potentially-fatal incurable diseases! And if that doesn’t work, there’s always rohypnol and zip-ties.

Easy mark Blake Lively and her moley boobs at the Vogue Fashion Fund awards:

Quickies: Bowl Games

abby — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 16:37:39 +0000

Looks like Heidi and Spencer are lying about their impromptu sham marriage! (Websters)

Dancing with the Stars 2008 winner spoilers! (Celebitchy)

Adrian Brody looks like a hobo with syphilis. (Holy Moly)

Joey Fatone ends up where his career has — in the shitter. (Seriously? OMG)

Sarah Jessica Parker’s dress attempts to asphyxiate her while Valentino watches on, helpless. (Lainey Gossip)

Wanna see Pink have sex with herself? Here’s your chance! (popbytes)

Rihanna… in a fucking eye patch. Yarr! (The Grumpiest)

Travis Barker is suing everybody. (The Blemish)

Annalynne McCord shows off her peaches in Peach magazine. (Bastardly)

Britney Spears burns Katie Holmes! (CelebSlam)

Scraping the bottom of the barrel: David Spade and Nicolette Sheridan are bumpin’ uglies. Gross. (CelebNewsWire)

How to meet girls in World of Warcraft. I’m guessing “Thanksgiving miracle” or “with a gun and ten feet of nylon rope.” (COED Magazine)

Tila Tequila in a see-through shirt! There’s something you haven’t seen before. (Drunken Stepfather)

Angelina is 3 Months Pregnant with Child Number 7

abby — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:50:10 +0000

In Touch Weekly — who was the first tabloid magazine to break the news of Angelina Jolie’s pregnancy with twins last year, by the way — is claiming that Brangelina is knocked up again and already three months along with her seventh child. Dear God. Us Weekly says

In Touch claims Jolie announced she was pregnant in a London restaurant when a waiter tried to pour her [an alcoholic] drink. The magazine says beau Brad Pitt was annoyed because he wasn’t ready to go public with the news. In Touch also reports Jolie pushed forward filming of Edwin A. Salt so her bump wouldn’t be visible.

Look, if it’s complete asexualization of their pseudo-marriage she was looking for, she could have just lopped off Brad’s wiener with pruning shears and glued some tortellini where his dick used to be. Almost as good as a vagina, and it’d save them all a whole lotta time in the long run.

Angie at the 12th Annual Hollywood Film Festival’s Awards Gala last month:

Chelsea Handler to Pose Naked for Playboy?

abby — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:27:33 +0000

Rumors that E!’s Chelsea Handler will be posing for men’s magazine Playboy are tearing up the internet today, because…. boobs! We love ‘em! Success has been the name of the game for Chelsea lately (Chelsea lately — ha ha ha): she’s published several books, been named the Breakout Star of 2008, and her show is more popular than ever. What better way to usher in this new-found fame than by showing off her tits? I suggested “sex tape” and “high-ranking government official hooker scandal” in a series of letters I cut and pasted from magazines, but it seems her PR team isn’t interested in doing anything other than notifying the police and obtaining restraining orders. And therein lies the difference between “relative success” and “international superstardom.” Call me when you’re ready to start going places, Chelsea!

Crappy pictures of Jenny McCarthy with Chelsea on her show:

Yeeeah! - Snarky Celebrity Gossip

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