Usually when I see something this hideous, it’s shrieking like a banshee and chasing me through some kind of open field. And I’m doing that kind of arms-flailing fumbling run — I’ve almost made it, I’ve almost made it — and then I glance over my shoulder and it’s right there on me. That’s about the time I wake up because I’ve pissed the bed and it was all just a horrible dream. No such luck here. That picture of Amy Winehouse isn’t going anywhere. Trust me, I’ve already tried peeing on myself twice. Nothing.

Various candids from the last week:

The Sun is reporting that Amy Winehouse is heading to South Africa for an extended stay in rehab, but Female First says she is already lined up to perform “the world’s most bizarre club” in September.

The troubled singer is set to pocket [$700,000] to sing at the opening night of a Rotterdam, Netherlands… venue powered entirely by human energy. “The energy will come from urine and sweat from the visitors. The club is set in the biggest drugs circuit in Holland. It is so out there it might even shock Amy.”

Shocking Amy Winehouse would be the modern-day equivalent of out-perving Caligula, so that’s really saying something. I can’t think of anything more fun than being at a concert fueled by the secretions of an orgiastic mob injecting heroin directly in their spines and snorting mildew remover between vomits. Maybe sphincter reconstruction or third degree burns.

Hey, kids! Today’s funtime activity is “Connect the Dots with Amy Winehouse!”^* Connect the sores on Amy’s face and discover the picture hidden within! Use all the “dots” and make sure to have fun!

^*_{Answer below}

It’s a PENTAGRAM!! The ancient symbol rejected by Christianity in the twentieth century and later adopted by Satanists! Stayed tuned for next week’s funtime activity: “Find Twelve Things Starting with “B” Hidden in Britney Spears’ Cellulite!”

The devil in a red shirt:

Why would Amy Winehouse pay for Stridex and OxyClean to clear up her face when she’s already got two perfectly good working kidneys? Last time I checked, urine come cheap. Real cheap. When I checked, I was leaning against a barn in with a stalk of hay between my lips and tipping my hat. Boy howdy! The Daily Star says

A friend [of Amy's] said “Amy’s tried all sorts of lotions and potions but none works. She is desperately unhappy with her appearance and she is happy to try anything that may clear up her condition. She is praying [putting] urine [on her face] will work.”

The only thing that could be worse than a greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray is a greasy pork sandwich served in an dirty ashtray hosed down with urine. That Chet from “Weird Science” was some kind of goddamn visionary.