Fairy tales really do come true, people — Britney Spears is back together with her paparazzi boyfriend, Adnan Ghalib! It’s like Romeo and Juliet, only with more crack hair and chin pubes. According to TMZ

The last few months Adnan has been getting into the gated community where Brit lives. They have been “together,” though we can’t say it’s still going on. We know they have been texting back and forth, at times complaining that Daddy Jamie is too “controlling” by trying to put the kibosh on the relationship.

I’ll say. First making her wear underpants, and now this? The last time someone had that much control over my genitals, I was in a leather diaper and chained to a wall with a ball gag in my mouth.

After meeting with K-fed June 26th:

Britney Spears’ January trip to Rosarito with then-boyfriend Adnan Ghalib seems to have yielded a little more than Montezuma’s revenge, although I’m sure it smells about the same: there’s a Spears-Ghalib sex tape out there, and Adnan wants to sell it to you. Splash News Online says

Word is that the video starts with Britney undressing. The sex wasn’t particularly kinky but Britney wears a pink wig throughout. At one point in the tape Adnan asks the singer to remove the pink bob but she refused. “Adnan tells her to take it off at one point and she says coyly, ‘Take what off? There’s nothing left to take off.’”

I think I’d rather see streaming footage of partial birth abortions and hemorrhoid surgery being performed simultaneously than watch Britney Spears engaged in coitus. Or, you know, I could just sit through “Pirates of the Caribbean 3″ again. Six of one, really.

Shania Twain, because 1) she’s not Britney Spears, and 2) she’s single again:

If you thought Ashton Kutcher’s crappy new show “Pop Fiction” couldn’t get any lamer, allow me to present Exhibit D. As in D-list and D-Bags. Adnan “Fifteen Minutes Long Since Over” Ghalib and comedianne Kathy Griffin, panty-shopping together! Egad! In case you don’t know, the show’s premise involves celebrities setting up the paparazzi, like Paris Hilton and her personal shaman or Audrina Partridge and her meaningless tattoo. And in case you didn’t care, you could get the same quality celebrity fishing turds out of the shitter at Hyde or wringing out Lindsay Lohan’s t-back. Well-played, Kelso! Well-played.

The whirlwind romance between professional punchline Britney Spears and paparazzo Adnan Ghalib has reportedly come to an end after Brit discovered sexy texts from another woman on his cell phone. The Daily Mail says

The fallen popstar allegedly flew into a rage, throwing the photographer’s iPhone into her pool after discovering the suggestive messages. An insider [said]: “There were about a dozen (texts) from one girl, all sent in one day. They were pretty saucy stuff with sexual references - certainly not the sort you’d send to a friend. Britney lost it and started yelling. She was demanding to know who sent the texts and shouting, ‘What’s this about? You’re cheating on me.’ Adnan said she was just a friend but Britney got more and more angry. Then she told him, ‘That’s it. It’s over.’”

Additionally, The Sun scored a photograph of the handwritten note Adnan sent to Britney post-fight. It reads:

Bebe, I really miss you lots and lots and lots. Can’t wait till you come home for a milky bowl of soup. Love you always, Adnan

Boy, that Adnan is regular Suckling. Milky soup? Milky soup? There are about five different bodily secretions I can think of that fit that description, and none of them appetizing enough to merit a goddamn bowl. A soupçon or a smattering, maybe, but not a bowl. Unless “milky soup” is code for “cartons of cigarettes and high-calorie coffee drinks,” I don’t see how Adnan’s going to win his way back into her pocketbook with that sort of drivel.

Britney at the Millennium Dance Studio on Friday:

Shortly after being released from the hospital, Britney Spears was back up to her old tricks: driving around aimlessly, checking into hotels, and hanging out with Adnan Ghalib. Well, surprise, surprise, surprise! Britney’s daddy, however, was none too happy to learn about his daughter’s early exit from the psych ward. Page Six says

Jamie Spears is at the Beverly Hills Hotel, where daughter Britney holed up earlier in the day before leaving her car behind and driving away with Adnan Ghalib.An exhausted looking Jamie [wandered] the hallways with two burly security guards looking for Britney and clutching an envelope. The move came after he and wife Lynne Spears released a statement to CNN’s Anderson Cooper, expressing their frustration over Britney’s discharge from the UCLA medical center.

“As parents of an adult child in the throes of a mental health crisis, we were extremely disappointed this morning to learn that, over the recommendation of her treating psychiatrist, Britney was released from the hospital that could best care for her and keep her safe. We are deeply concerned about her safety and vulnerability, and we believe her life is presently at risk. We ask only that the court orders be enforced so that a tragedy may be averted.”

It’s just like that old saying goes — “you can take the crazy out of the hospital, but you can’t take the retard out of Britney Spears.” Have truer words ever been spoken?

Same old Britney:

I’m gonna go ahead and get your Daily Britney out of the way first thing this morning, because I know you’re as sick of reading about her as I am writing about her. Long story short: Nothing’s changed. TMZ says

Jamie Spears is still the co-conservator of Britney’s estate, as is Andrew Wallet.

The Commissioner did not give the conservators the power to fire Brit’s divorce lawyers.

The Commissioner said Sam Lutfi can have no contact whatsoever with Britney — including e-mails, phone contact, etc.

The Commish extended the conservatorship to Valentine’s Day.

The Commissioner said Adam Streisand had no legal basis for claiming he’s Britney’s new lawyer. There will be a hearing at some point to determine just how mentally competent Britney is.

Boyfriend Adnan Ghalib showed up at the hospital yesterday with a bouquet of pink roses and his own camera man, but Britney’s mother refused to let him see her. Probably because his gift was so lame. Flowers. Come on — what’s Britney Spears gonna do with a bunch of fucking flowers? Unless they were dipped in chocolate or battered and deep-fried, they’re no good to her. Next time he should try bringing a Christmas ham and a snifter full of Metamucil or a sheet cake and a ream of two-ply toilet paper. You know, something a girl could actually use for a change.

More Britney Spears, because the power of Christ compels me:

Britney’s family is trying to cut all of her ties to Hollywood and her douchebag entourage, instructing her lawyers cease talking with Sam Lutfi and making plans to take her back home to Louisiana. I hate to break it to them, but there’s still plenty o’ meth in the great state of Louisiana! And if there’s one thing Britney likes, it’s her meth. According to the National Enquirer

Britney Spears had been on a 24-hour meth binge before she was rushed to the hospital. Ironically, she was desperately trying to stay awake — because she was terrified that if she fell asleep, her family would “drag her off to a mental institution,” according to a close source.

Additionally, TMZ is reporting that Britney Spears has been classified as “G.D.” by the staff at UCLA Medical Center. Now, G.D. doesn’t stand for “God Damn that girl is fucked up” or “Ugh, she Got Diarrhea all over the wall again” — it stands for “Gravely Disabled.”

[Being classified G.D.] means the patient is unable to take care of basic needs, such as the acquisition of food, clothing or shelter. Being G.D. is one of the criteria for involuntary commitment.

Several health care professionals tell us Britney has fallen into a “manic state” due to her bipolar disorder. She arrived at the hospital this morning at around 2:15 AM, but wasn’t admitted until 4:15 AM because she was causing such a scene. We’re told Britney screamed, “The only reason [my mother's] admitting me is because she wants to be alone with her boyfriend! She wants to sleep with my boyfriend!!” Britney never said exactly who she was talking about.

That would mean Britney honestly believes her mother wants to boink one of the following:

1. Adnan Ghalib

2. Kevin Federline

3. Sam Lutfi

The bitch is clearly delusional. There is nobody in the world except for Britney who would want their genitals within a five-mile radius of these losers. Seriously, I don’t even know where to start. You could ask somebody, “Hey, would you like to have sex with one of these guys, or could I interest you in expressing the anal glands of this pack of angry dogs?” That’s when I’d reach for the Vaseline and thank God for groin protectors and latex gloves.

Britney the night before the hospital, take 2:

Sam “Piss on Your Dead Mom” Lutfi and Britney Spears had a huge fight last night outside the gates of her Summit home over her relationship with Final Pixx photographer Adnan Ghalib. The public screaming match ended with her storming out of the car and down Muholland Drive barefoot, clutching her rat of a dog and bawling while she called Adnan to come pick her up. OK! Magazine says

Adnan told the pop star to go home and he’d meet her there. He tried to punch in the security code to the gate [when he arrived], but it didn’t work. He then reportedly called the house but Britney didn’t answer. Now OK! has learned that it was Sam who changed the gate code and disconnected the numbers to Britney’s six cell phones and her house phone. Frustrated, Adnan then asked the security guard let him in, but the guard told him he was under strict instructions from Sam not to let Adnan past the gate.

Adnan later told a paparazzi photographer that Sam was sending him threatening text messages, calling him a “manic trigger” and telling him, “If you continue to have any contact with her, you’ll kill her.” At 9:00 p.m., Britney reportedly jumped in her Mercedes and went speeding down Coldwater Canyon Drive with 15 to 20 paparazzi in tow. She abandoned her car in the San Fernando Valley sometime around 10 p.m. and jumped into Adnan’s car.

With TMZ adding:

The LAPD were called to the scene to contain the paparazzi crush that was trying to shoot the fight.

Curiously, a similar incident went down at Seabreeze Vista trailer park in Inglewood last night around ten-thirty p.m. Elwood “T.J.” Thompson, 19, and brothers J.T. and P.J. Rogers were arrested outside a mobile home belonging to Vicky Jo Tanner and Marlene Mayburs, both exotic dancers at T.J.’s Bare ‘N’ Legal Barbeque Buffet. All charges against Thompson were dropped once it was discovered Tanner set the fire herself and was never in fact pregnant. Mayburs and Rogers were arrested for public intoxication and indecent exposure and possession of a controlled substance without a prescription. I swear, it’s almost like Britney’s looking in a goddamn mirror or something!

UPDATE: TMZ is reporting that Britney’s parents and sister all came down to L.A. last night to stage an “intervention” on her behalf. Yep, looks like that went just swimmingly!

Tears of a clown:

It’s Monday, so thus continues the sisyphean task of mocking Britney Spears. Last week, paparazzi boyfriend Adnan Ghalib gave an exclusive interview to Entertainment Tonight (see Friday’s clip above) to address rumors that he’s been cashing on his relationship with Sad Tits McGillicuddy. He’s got on a face full of makeup and a Brazilian wax on his chin and he sounds just as insane as his idiot girlfriend. Highlights from the portion of the interview that aired Monday included this little gem, via MSNBC

“People don’t like happy in Hollywood,” opined Ghalib. “People don’t want fairy-tale happy endings. I don’t think anybody wants her to be happy. It’s sad but it’s very, very true.”

Oh, yeah — this has the Brothers Grimm written all fucking over it. There’s tons of nipples and exposed genitals and dirty looking guys with trimmed pubes in the classic fairy tales. Just watch “The Little Sperm Maid” and “Skinderella” again. “Booty and the Beast” was practically written for Britney Spears. Belle just needs to make sure and have a British accent and maybe shave herself bald after one of the airtighting scenes. And they lived happily ever after! The End.

Princess Britney out on the town Saturday night:

Even though Britney Spears routinely says she’s “afraid” of the paparazzi, the truth is that she personally tips them off herself to ensure her every boil-riddled, floppy-nipped move will be captured by their cameras. According to Page Six

Lensman Alison Silva tells celebrity private eye Paul Barresi: “Britney is in on it. [She] calls the paparazzi before she goes out. We know 15 minutes before she leaves the house. It’s all staged.” Silva adds that when four photographers were arrested last week for chasing [Spears], “one of [them who] works for my company told me that Britney sent him a text message and said she was sorry. She tried to talk the cops into not arresting them… It’s part of her life. Britney is in on the sham.”

And to further prove how much she fears them, she spent the last three weeks with Final Pixx photographer Adnan Ghalib and then Sunday night with some dudes from X17. Here she is in her car with Filipe from the Fame agency. She’s either learning to control her fear to prepare for battle with the dark lord of the Sith or else she’s a damn liar. A light saber I see not, hmm! Already know you that which is the answer.

With BFF Filipe the photographer:

Grab a hold of your belts, boys — British girl Britney is back on the market! She told photographers from a rival agency Sunday night that she dumped Adnan Ghalib and filed a restraining order against him, even going as far to say she’s never heard of him in the clip above. In a British accent, of course. The Daily Mail reports

Britney shared news of the alleged restraining order with two paparazzi from X17 whom she invited into her home at 2am on Sunday. Sam Lutfi told the assembled group that he and Britney had filed a request for a restraining order against Ghalib because they want him “out of her life.”

One of the X17 photographers [said]: “Britney asked us to leave the cameras in the car, and she poured some champagne for us. Sam was telling us to not worry about Adnan because they have filed a restraining order against him. We had fun. Britney was funny, very relaxed, dancing a little bit, and she carried her little dog all the time.”

You try talking in a British accent the next time you want out of something and see how far it gets you. I clipped a pedestrian with my car over the weekend after a few drinks and tried telling the cops, “Blimey! This squidgy bugger stepped off right in front of me — seemed a bit potty if you don’t mind my saying so — everything went all sixes and sevens, I skived to my right, and sod’s law, Bob’s your uncle!” before one of them let me have it with the pepper spray. Apparently, the accent only works if you’re famous.

It seems the new British accent Britney Spears has been sporting belongs to “British Girl,” one of the many personalties setting up shop inside her mind. Cheerio! According to TMZ

Britney has multiple personalities, including, as people in her life call it, “the British girl.” We’re told when Spears loses the British personality, she absolutely no idea what she did during the time she assumed that personality. Brit has a number of other identities — “the weepy girl, the diva, the incoherent girl,” and on and on. Sources say Britney had become the British girl the day she didn’t show for her deposition and has no recollection of it.

Lucky for her, 200 photographers caught every damn second of what happened the day of the hearing, so maybe Weepy Girl can browse some of those photos online and watch just how British Girl wiped her ass with the rights to her children and then went out for a late lunch. Also, someone might want to tell Incoherent Girl that British Girl started her period (NSFW) last night, and the toilet paper wadded up inside her pantyhose isn’t quite doing the trick. Now, if I remember what happens at the end of “Sybil,” we just wait for Retarded Girl and Meth Rage Girl to get into fistfight after Drunk Girl mistakes a bottle of nitroglycerin for vodka and then let science do its stuff. It’s what writers call a “classic denouement,” from the French for “wear a poncho.”

Cousin It Girl dining with Adnan last night: