In what can only be described as a direct assault on the good name of Jesus, Heidi Montag has proclaimed to have a Christian album in the works. You know, because her earlier releases were such big hits. And the whole business about the Lauren Conrad sex tape? Just her cross to bear. She told USA Today

“There were rumors about a sex tape, but I had nothing to do with that. God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know?”

Yep, when I think “Jesus,” I don’t see a sinewy guy with a crown of thorns being crucified on Calvary. Not at all. I see bleach blond hair and plastic tits and a frowny face on a MySpace page next to the words, “Why does Lauren have to drink the Haterade? Im praying 4 U Lauren!!!!!” I figure I ought to toss out my Bible for a subscription to Us Weekly and replace my crucifix with navel jewelry. Hosana in the highest? More like “Heidi-sana in the heidi-est!” Amen.

At LAX sans face paint June 11th:

Lindsay Lohan was on the set of “Ugly Betty” this weekend preparing for her multiple-episode guest role on the show. Linz is hoping that her small screen appearance will give her lagging career the boost it so desperately needs, or that at least she’ll get to blow a couple of guys on the set. According to MSNBC

“She really, really needs this to go well,” said one industry source. “For the longest time she’s been getting terrible advice — that’s been obvious for quite some time. This is the first good decision she’s made from an acting standpoint since ‘Georgia Rules.’”

Lohan “arrived on set 45 minutes early,” and she and the show’s star, America Ferrera, “really hit it off.”

Of course, if television doesn’t do the trick, there’s still the music career to fall back on — her new album is slated to drop later this year. I assume execs mean “drop” in the literal sense of the word here, like the motion of a turd being released into a toilet. Or, more specifically, the motion of a washed-up actress sinking to her knees in the inevitable sex tape/last ditch effort to revive her “career.” It is her destiny.

In West Hollywood May 2nd:

Here’s the first single from Scarlett Johansson’s un-anticipated album, “Anywhere I Lay My Head” — a cover of Tom Waits’ classic “Falling Down.” It sounds like she set the mic on echo effect and did her best Gort from “The Day the Earth Stood Still” impression. It’s great if you’re into staccato machinized bleating. Otherwise, not so much. And if you happen to be a fan of staccato machinized bleating, you should really invest in a Murchland vacuum goat milker. It’s the Rolls-Royce of late 19th century milking machines! Available at Ephraim Buzzleworth’s Feed & Seed and other fine retailers circa 1892.

55 seconds is insufferable enough, but you can watch it in its entirety here.

Despite both Us Weekly and OK! Magazine claiming that Ashlee Simpson is knocked up, her fiance and supposed father of the child begs to differ. Pete Wentz told MTV News

“There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood,” he wrote. “This is all news to me. I can’t wait for the story about how I’m really in a gay relationship and this is all just a cover. … I mean really, this is crazy. … I mean we’re engaged, that’s true, and happy about it.”

“Coincidentally,” Ashlee’s new album drops in a week, on the same day her shirt line for Wet Seal debuts. The very same album that threatened to be overshadowed by Mariah Carey’s until daddy leaked “E=MC2″ onto the internet. Coincidentally. Now every major tabloid is running with Ashlee’s supposed pregnancy — the baby’s due in October, Jess is happy, no Jess is jealous, the wedding’s taking place in May before she starts showing — and nearly every article (this post included, I know) mentions her album’s release date. Coincidentally! Daddy’s certainly done his homework. It’s a fact that only way to get more free press than circulating a pregnancy rumor is a good old-fashioned sex tape, but $29.95 is a steep price to pay to watch Pete Wentz scribbling poetry all over Ashlee’s body with an eyeliner pencil and then cutting himself after avoiding penetration. I think Joe Simpson definitely ran the right way with this one.

Two promos from her Wet Seal line, and a couple of Jessica over the weekend:

Lindsay Lohan keeps thwarting Universal Motown’s attempts to make her new album a success. According to Gatecrasher

“Universal [lined] up great producing talents, and, recently, they even hooked Timbaland. But Lindsay has canceled their planned meetings twice,” says a snitch.

However, after a rocky start, singer-songwriter Ne-Yo is still on board. Lindsay had rejected some initial tracks from the star-maker, who has created hits for Rihanna, Usher and Celine Dion. But he is still in talks to work with the rehabbed pop star.

Frankly, I imagine it was all downhill for Universal once Lindsay discovered “let’s make beautiful music together” wasn’t a coy euphemism for “let’s do it in the butt.”

On the set of her music video:

There’s something different about Mariah Carey on the cover of her latest album E=MC2. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe it’s extra four inches of leg or the missing ten inches of waist. Maybe it’s the color of her skin and the circumference of her thighs. Maybe it’s that the girl on the left should be filed under “moon landing,” “Tooth Fairy” and “Imagination Station,” and the girl on the right belongs under the heading “semi-aquatic sea mammals” and “pork products.” Unless the mass–energy equivalence is somehow part of the photoshop process, it’s safe to assume E=MC2 stands for Everything Mariah Computer-altered. Twice.

The real Mariah: