Jennifer Butler-Murray claimed last week that husband Bill Murray’s violent temper and out-of-control drinking were the impetus for her to sue for divorce, but — strangely enough — Bill isn’t the one the neighbors are calling the cops on. According to a report filed with the Sullivan’s Island Police Department (via The Ny Post):

On March 17 of this year, Butler-Murray allegedly got drunk and two of her kids ran over to a neighbor’s house for help. [The investigating officer wrote, "The children] informed me that their mother had been drinking heavily and had [become] physical with them,” the report said.

The report said Bill Murray was in California at the time.

The real victims in all this are the children. So much fodder for “your momma” jokes and so many, many months in a calendar school year.

_{EDITOR’S NOTE: The woman in the photograph above is NOT Jennifer Butler-Murray. The woman pictured is actually the devil.}

Lily Allen is apologizing for her drunken behavior at the Glamour Women of the Year Awards on Tuesday. She writes on her MySpace blog

“This time I’m putting my hands up, I got very drunk last night, too drunk. It’s not cool getting that drunk, I feel awful… Kids, drink responsibly or you’ll end up looking like this, not pretty!

I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about. No one I know ever accused her of being pretty. A grown-up version of that girl in your tenth grade English class that wrote cliched poems on her arms and refused to let grunge die its slow flannel death, yes. Tubby and party-hat nippled, yes. Pretty, no. Frankly, if she’s going to start apologizing, she might want to start with one of those other ones first.

Nursing hangover before going to the Royal Academy of Arts summer exhibition party:

I take a great deal of pride in the fact that I have never once knowingly listened to a Lily Allen song. I have also never watched an episode of “The Hills” or “Gossip Girl” or any of Season 7 of “American Idol.” I read recently that exposing yourself to too much crap can make you get fat, and if there’s one thing a girl can’t be, it’s fat. Or ugly. Case in point: 23-year-old “singer” (like I said, I can’t confirm that) Lily Allen had to be lugged out of the Glamour Women of the Year Awards in London last night, where she cleverly used her Editor’s Special Award to hide her face from the paparazzi, without considering the bright pink hair and the decapitated Bambi print dress and the teal shoes might give her away anyway. The Daily Mail says

Bleary-eyed and most definitely worse for wear, the newly pink-haired singer covered her face with her very own Glamour gong as a security guard put her in to a car. Lily, who teamed her freshly coloured tresses with a prom dress decorated with prints of a bleeding Bambi, had [to be propped up] as she struggled to keep her balance.

Like my dad once said, “Nobody likes fat chicks.” He also used to say, “Better hope Santy Claus brings you a treadmill” and “What are you, some kind of lesbian?” I think Lily could have really learned a lot from my father.

Bill Murray’s wife of ten years is suing for divorce on the grounds of his drug addiction, physical abuse, adultery, abandonment and a partridge in a pear tree. People Magazine says

According to Jennifer Murray, the actor’s alcohol, marijuana and sex addictions were among the reasons she felt forced to [separate]. The filing adds that Bill Murray once “hit his wife in the face and then told her she was ‘lucky he didn’t kill her.’” She has also requested a restraining order against her husband

The Murrays signed a prenuptial agreement in which Bill would pay his wife $7 million in a divorce, but she has asked the court to determine whether the agreement is valid.

When asked if the disturbing allegations made by his wife were just an attempt to solicit a bigger payout in the proceedings, Bill said, “Yeah, I definitely smell a rat. I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think.” Marriage might be fleeting, but “Caddyshack” is forever!

Kirsten Dusnt is opening up about her trip to rehab earlier this year, blaming her little stint in the Cirque Lodge on her sad feelings instead of a problem with booze. E! Online says

[Kirsten said,] “There’s been a lot of misrepresentation about what is going on in my life. I didn’t go to Cirque Lodge for alcohol abuse or drug abuse. I went there for depression.”

While naysayers out there may groan that a young, wealthy Hollywood starlet should have nothing to be depressed about, Dunst says mental illness doesn’t know any such boundaries. “We’re all in the same boat together,” she opines. “Depression is pretty serious and should not be gossiped about.”

With so many Hollywood stars battling mental illness — Winona Ryder, Jim Carrey, Owen Wilson, to name a few — it begs the question “Does acting itself create emotional instability, or are those drawn to acting already dissociative by nature and therefore prone to mental unbalance?” You know, the whole “chicken vs. the egg” debate. Well, there’s one thing we can all agree on: Kirsten Dunst’s face probably passed through a chicken’s birth canal at some point. Science says it’s the only real explanation as to why it looks that way.

Daddy Spears is definitely earning his $10,000 the hard way — from regularly checking Britney’s undercarriage for panties to dutifully trailing along whenever she ventures out of her house. Nine MSN says

The court appointed guardian/doting dad was on the ball at Christina Aguilera’s birthday party this weekend. When he spotted a video camera filming Britney, he quickly whisked away the glasses of alcohol all around her.

The clip of him whisking away the plates of chocolate cake from her was way funnier, but the National Wildlife Service is using that footage as filler in their documentary “When Hippos Attack.” Available July 2008!

Amy Winehouse took a break from working on “The Quantum Of Solace” title track to pound a couple of shots of Midori Melon while holding a baby. All the cool kids are doing it! Forget body shots — fontanel shots are where it’s at in 2008. Just lick it, stick it, slam it, and change it’s diaper, baby!

22-year old actress Mischa Barton was formally charged yesterday for that DUI she got last December. People Magazine says

Mischa Barton has been charged with driving under the influence and possession of marijuana… [and] driving without a valid license. Her arraignment on the misdemeanor charges is set for Thursday in Beverly Hills Superior Court.

Let’s just hope this arrest won’t interfere with her busy career of hawking canvas tennis shoes and affordable teen fashion! It’d be a real shame if she couldn’t continue to collect a paycheck for having been “The O.C.’s” Marissa Cooper. And finding a generic half-decade-old-teen-drama¹ spokesmodel replacement would be damn near impossible. It’d be like looking for a needle in a haystack, or in the case of the Fox network, a turd in a septic tank.

¹_{Excluding the cast of “Beverly Hills, 90210,” “Party of Five,” “Buffy The Vampire Slayer,” etc., etc.}

Clairols #172 “Trailer Park Blonde” shopping at Urban Outfitters last week:

Kirsten Dunst’s check-in to rehab last week has been a long time in the making. Friends of the actress say she’s been boozing for years now and even blame drinking for the demise of her relationship with actor Jake Gyllenhaal. According to Us Weekly,

“Jake was turned off by all the partying,” [says] a source. Ironically, regret over the breakup led her to party more – and use cocaine and alcohol. “Whenever the cast and crew were out, she was the center of the group – doing shots and encouraging everyone to drink,” a source on her upcoming movie How to Lose Friends & Alienate People told Us. “There was no such thing as ‘just the one’ for her.”

Funny, I always thought it was Kirsten’s vagina that drove Jake away. You know, in that it’s not a penis with testicles or a pool boy’s supple anus.

Amy Winehouse doesn’t just have a penchant for cocaine and heroin; the British songstress also has a taste for some of the finer things in life. Like fine dining, for example. The Daily Mail quotes her as saying

“I went to a restaurant recently and my friend was like, ‘Do you remember the last time we were here? The head waiter carried you but you were trying to punch and kick us’. [I know] I’m a terrible drunk… but there are [still] certain instances where I’ll… come to work and be like, ‘Listen, if you want to have a nice day, please get me some alcohol’.”

Funny, I say the same thing when I get to work. Only I say it into a mirror. The one over my bed. And then I point my fingers like a gun and give myself a little wink and grab the bottle of scotch off the floor and start typing.¹ Yep, I’d say Amy Winehouse and I have just about the coolest fucking jobs in the world. Suckas!

¹_{Maybe I put pants on; maybe I don’t. It’s a mystery!}

Amy getting gussied up for a conjugal with Blake Fielder-Civil:

Further details have emerged as to what precipitated Britney Spears’ maniacal breakdown last night, and it seems all started with the court-appointed monitor calling the cops when Britney refused to hand over the boys. People magazine says

A source [says] it was the pop star’s court-appointed child monitor who called police. “She had already put Preston in the car when Britney locked herself in a room with Jayden,” says the source. “The cops came and got through the door and tied her down to a gurney.” Britney Spears was placed on [72-hour] lockdown for a mental evaluation Friday.

Curiously, blood tests indicate that Britney Spears was NOT under the influence of drugs or alcohol when she was physically removed from her home last night, meaning the hysterical laughter I mentioned before was of the straight-up lunatic variety. Hey, maybe being tied to a stretcher is funnier than it looks! How would you know? Maybe one of the EMT’s farted when he heaved the gurney into the back of the ambulance. Farts are funny! A source close to the Spears family told Life & Style

“Her blood test just came back, and, thank God, it was clean. There are no traces of drugs or alcohol of any kind.” This indicates that her odd behavior was not the result of substance abuse, as early reports suggested.

Somehow, that just makes it seem worse. Laughing maniacally and flailing around like a beached sturgeon is par for the course if you’ve scarfed down a quarter bag of mushrooms. If you’re stone cold sober and tripping the light fantastic, you’re staring down a lifetime of electroshock and penning your memoirs in your own feces on the padded walls of your cell.

UPDATE 1: Now with leg restraints!

UPDATE 2: Not the custody lock she was looking for! Us Weekly says her visitation rights have been “suspended pending further order of the court until January 14. There will then be a hearing to determine where the case goes.”

Video footage from last night: