I’m still not entirely convinced that people actually watch “American Idol” anymore, but if you happened to catch it last night, you caught Paula Abdul making a huge gaffe on live TV. Then you probably went back to knitting socks or reading Colossians or updating your FaceBook when you were supposed to be doing your algebra homework. TMZ recaps the evening:

Paula Abdul had a lot to say about the two songs Jason Castro sung on “Idol” Tuesday night — too bad he hadn’t sung them both yet! In rare form, Paula blabbed on about Jason’s two songs, after he had only performed once. Simon, Randy and Ryan all tried to help Paula along … to no avail.

I guess this is why you never see the Battle of the Brains teams pre-gaming it at a pharmacy. Vicodin makes remembering stuff hard. Like why you poured your gimlet into the DVD player and where you left your pants. My parole officer suggests Gingko Biloba and daily crossword puzzles instead.

I hope you’re sitting down, because this is guaranteed to make your panties explode. I’m talking blow the zipper right off your Wranglers. Are you ready? Okay, here goes: MSNBC reports

Kelly Clarkson enjoys walking around her home in the buff, no matter the circumstances. That would include not just when close friends are around, but even when her home is “filled with strangers for photo shoots or fittings.”

Why?

“I just really like being naked,” [says] the “American Idol” star.

You know how that old saying goes — people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Fortunately, I live in a house of 12% body fat and killer gluts, so I feel comfortable saying that Kelly Clarkson needs to steer clear of the glass market. Of course, the plastic slipcover market and anti-chafing powder-gel market can still be all hers.

Kelly not naked at Burbank airport last month:

Mariah Carey was on Oprah this past Monday promoting her new album E=MC2, and naturally, nobody cared. The pregnant man, Jenny McCarthy and even Jamie Lee Curtis shows all boasted higher ratings than Mimi’s Big O appearance. And then, strike two: Tuesday night’s Mariah-themed episode of “American Idol” was the lowest-rated Tuesday airing of Idol in a month.

What does this all mean, you ask?

It means that there is such a thing as “media saturation.” It means that someone at Island Records might want to rethink the target demographic. It means that taking a peek inside someone’s 3,000 square foot panty drawer isn’t as goddamn fascinating as some people might think. Now, if it were a closet full of medieval weaponry or a laser tag arena, we might actually be getting somewhere. See, unlike Mariah Carey, I have my finger firmly on the pulse of the nation. When I’m not using it to give her the bird or dial 900 numbers, of course. Word on the street is I’m too cool for school.

Mariah lipsynching on Idol after the jump

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Looking as good as Paula Abdul doesn’t come easy. In fact, perfecting the Abdullian visage requires nearly a third of your entire day and the steady troweling hand of a brickmason. MSNBC says

One makeup artist who very recently worked with Abdul said that it routinely takes as long as four hours before she’s satisfied with her hair and makeup. “Getting her out of the house is a major effort,” said the source. “It… [gets] in the way of real life.”

And real life is something Paula hasn’t been acquainted with for years now, so of course that’s not a problem. But for the readers at home who want to achieve Paula’s dramatic look and haven’t the four extra hours or a team of professionals to spare, allow me to suggest downing a liter of gin and turning one of those Homer Simpson-style makeup guns on yourself at point-blank range. Add extensions, mist with hairspray, mist with hairspray, mist with hairspray, and voilà! — drag queen glamor is all your own.

Paula at “Idol Gives Back” earlier this week:

In case you don’t have enough reasons not to watch American Idol, here’s another one: Teri Hatcher. According to Rush and Molloy

You’ve been forewarned: Teri Hatcher will sing on the “American Idol Gives Back” special to air next Wednesday. She’ll back up The Band From TV, which includes her “Desperate Housewives” co-star Jamie Denton, “House’s” Hugh Laurie, “Heroes’” Greg Grunberg and “Cashmere Mafia’s” Bonnie Somerville.

Who knew Teri Hatcher was a woman of so many talents? I don’t mean her acting, obviously, but rather her natural ability to withstand enough botulinum poison to fell a small horse and her proficiency for vomiting on command. Usually those sorts of gifts are relegated to cancer patients undergoing radiation and the Elementals like Mana Surge and Entropic Beasts. You’re probably thinking, “What about the Fel Reaver guardian in the Eye of Tempest Keep, smartypants?” Well, it should be noted that Void Reaver doesn’t count because he is not immune to the poison from Romulo’s Vial since it’s considered a Nature Damage Effect and not a Poison Effect. It should also be noted that I am a virgin and incredibly lonely.

You might remember I brought you a little taste of American Idol cast off Constatine Maroulis rocking out in an Ohio Steinmart last month. Well, don’t think the party stops there, my friends, because it doesn’t. The crazy train makes a stop at a “To Be Announced” and then a Borders bookstore late January, after having finished a two-month stint calling bingo in a casino in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Oh, yes. Bingo. I’m pretty sure the next two rungs on that ladder of success are “singing the jingle for Simon’s Septic Tank Uncloggers” and “amateur gay porn shot in your mom’s basement.” I say 2008 is the year of the Maroulis!

While fellow American Idol alumni Carrie Underwood and Chris Daughtry spent the weekend hobnobbing with celebrities at the AMA’s, season 4 loser Constantine Mouralis was belting out his greatest hits at a Stein Mart in Ohio. And I do mean “belting out.” For someone performing to packed house of seven in a mid-west discount department store, Constanteeny sure does give it all he’s got. And what he’s got is greasy hair and a proclivity for reaching out to the camera like a mime in need of a rope. So that’s not saying much. I’m sure it took a lot of finagling to convince him that standing there with his pants around his ankles, masturbating while tongue-kissing a picture of himself wasn’t the way to go. But if there’s one thing the management staff at Stein Mart knows, it’s how to handle a diva. And also how to save you with a season of holiday values. Stores open 10 a.m to 9 p.m. Monday through Friday. Holiday hours may vary. See you local Stein Mart retailer for details.