Amy Winehouse spent her weekend frolicking in the woods with friends in nothing but her bra and denim shorts, sorta like a real-life Snow White, if Snow White was an undead corpse who escaped from the Daisy Duke section of Auschwitz. The Daily Mail says

The Rehab singer, who shocked onlookers with her emaciated frame, was spotted cuddling up to Sadie Frost’s sometime boyfriend Kristian Marr while soaking up the sunshine in a park behind a recording studio in Henley, Oxfordshire.

From the picture above, she also appears to have mastered the finer points of the Irish jig. Hop-hop back, hop back, two-three-four and bow!

UPDATE: The most awesome outdoor dancin’ you’ve ever seen after the jump

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Jailed junkie Blake Civil-Fielder is plotting to divorce Amy Winehouse so he can live off the fat of her albums for the rest of his days. At his going rate, that’s about three and a half more years, tops. London’s The Sun reports

He is set to demand at least $6 million as a divorce settlement, telling his lawyers he wants $500,000 for each month of their year-long marriage — despite being in jail for part of it. A friend said: “Blake is convinced that Amy owes him big time. He is telling everyone that he’s got millions coming to him. She’s his meal ticket for life.”

I don’t know who he thinks he’s kidding. One look into those bloodshot eyes and a kiss from those peeling lips and his heart’s going to melt. There’s no resisting the simian way she moves or that trail of little curlies leading down from her navel. It’s like iron trying shed the orbital angular motion of its electrons, and in so doing, shun the beckoning call of the magnetic field. Impossible! But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Amy Winehouse is the sun! Yes, you’ve just entered (dun dun DUN) The Ninth Grade Earth Science and Brit Lit Zone. A dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity, the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, between home ec and study hall. Now all your hall passes will be mine! Mwah hah hah hah ha!

Working her magic in Oxfordshire:

Amy Winehouse sobbed all the way to the London police station today where she is being questioned in conjunction with that head-butting face-punching rampage that happened late Wednesday night. But don’t think a date with the boys in blue curtailed her fun the night before! It’s Amy Winehouse! Don’t let’s be silly. The Daily Mail reports

After a quick session in a local pub, she headed round the corner to the Made In Brasil restaurant, where things started to turn ugly. Amy was apparently asked to leave after she was caught taking drugs in the toilet. She then rounded up her friends and headed to her flat to continue the party. On her way there, she stopped off at a shop to stock up on disposable lighters.

Well, don’t think she can’t afford those Bics, because it was announced yesterday that she had entered the Sunday Times list of Britain’s wealthiest young millionaires with an estimated fortune of 20 million. However, the paper did not specify if that was 20 million dollars American, 20 million British pounds, or 20 million used syringes and scabs scattered around her apartment. But check out that 20 million dollar smile! Four out of five dentists agree that gingivitis is leading cause of tooth decay.

Tears of a clown:

Amy “Receding Gums” Winehouse is facing up to six months’ jail and a $4,000 fine for allegedly assaulting two men while bar-hopping in Camden. Well, not so much hopping as “staggering” and “stumbling.” London’s The Sun says

The junkie singer, 24… headbutted a Good Samaritan who hailed her a cab outside a bar… [and] punched Moroccan musician Mustapha el Mounmi [in the face] after he refused to give way to her at the pool table. The married singer also [made out with] a mystery fella and [overturned] tables and drinks.

She was later seen smoking drugs in the street and walked into a lamppost.

She’s like some wonderful beehived amalgamation of the Tasmanian devil and Nick Nolte come to life, isn’t she? I sort of imagine her whirling and snarling and flailing everywhere she goes, leaving a trail of broken bottles and overturned tables in her wake. And then a lot of indecipherable blathering that occasionally gives way to a projectile vomit or two, like “Sod off, you bloody bug — BLAAAAARGH!” and then a lot of splattering and bystanders screaming and running for their lives.

What would you get if you crossed the three witches from “Macbeth” with Mr. Ed? Shakespeare with a laugh track and an A+ in Brit Lit, maybe, or Amy Winehouse with less of Jacobean sense of the supernatural and a much shinier coat.

Amy Winehouse took a break from working on “The Quantum Of Solace” title track to pound a couple of shots of Midori Melon while holding a baby. All the cool kids are doing it! Forget body shots — fontanel shots are where it’s at in 2008. Just lick it, stick it, slam it, and change it’s diaper, baby!

The Daily Mail has pictures of Amy Winehouse leaving her east London home yesterday with eight pounds of gold jewelery and a rosary around her neck. When asked for comment, Amy barked, “I’m teaching fools some basic rules. Enough jibba jabba, sucka!” and peeled away in a van carrying three ex-commandos on the run from a crime they didn’t commit.

Fashion designer Roberto Cavalli has decided to make Amy Winehouse the new face of his fall 2008 season. Because nothing screams high fashion like ulcerated lesions and self-inflicted cigarette burns! Nine MSN reports

[Singer]/trainwreck Amy managed to score herself a ‘lifetime of designs’ from the fashion guru. Robert doesn’t want Amy to actually model the clothes on the catwalk, but he’d like her to be the ‘face’ of his upcoming season of designs.

Self-harming and Staphylococcus aureus will be fall 2008’s Birkin bag! Add a couple of naked lady tattoos and some crusty blisters in the corners of your mouth and voilà! — instant Vogue-worthiness. It’s already all the rage among urban elite. You won’t find a man carrying a jar of his own urine or bleating gibberish at passing motorists without a slew of those über-chic Winehouse-Cavalli brand meth sores on his face. Self-harming and dumpster-diving has never been so chic!

The Sun is reporting that Amy Winehouse is heading to South Africa for an extended stay in rehab, but Female First says she is already lined up to perform “the world’s most bizarre club” in September.

The troubled singer is set to pocket [$700,000] to sing at the opening night of a Rotterdam, Netherlands… venue powered entirely by human energy. “The energy will come from urine and sweat from the visitors. The club is set in the biggest drugs circuit in Holland. It is so out there it might even shock Amy.”

Shocking Amy Winehouse would be the modern-day equivalent of out-perving Caligula, so that’s really saying something. I can’t think of anything more fun than being at a concert fueled by the secretions of an orgiastic mob injecting heroin directly in their spines and snorting mildew remover between vomits. Maybe sphincter reconstruction or third degree burns.

Hey, kids! Today’s funtime activity is “Connect the Dots with Amy Winehouse!”^* Connect the sores on Amy’s face and discover the picture hidden within! Use all the “dots” and make sure to have fun!

^*_{Answer below}

It’s a PENTAGRAM!! The ancient symbol rejected by Christianity in the twentieth century and later adopted by Satanists! Stayed tuned for next week’s funtime activity: “Find Twelve Things Starting with “B” Hidden in Britney Spears’ Cellulite!”

The devil in a red shirt:

Why would Amy Winehouse pay for Stridex and OxyClean to clear up her face when she’s already got two perfectly good working kidneys? Last time I checked, urine come cheap. Real cheap. When I checked, I was leaning against a barn in with a stalk of hay between my lips and tipping my hat. Boy howdy! The Daily Star says

A friend [of Amy's] said “Amy’s tried all sorts of lotions and potions but none works. She is desperately unhappy with her appearance and she is happy to try anything that may clear up her condition. She is praying [putting] urine [on her face] will work.”

The only thing that could be worse than a greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray is a greasy pork sandwich served in an dirty ashtray hosed down with urine. That Chet from “Weird Science” was some kind of goddamn visionary.

Radar Online has a photo of Amy Winehouse nude save her guitar and a little strategically-placed electrical tape as part of a breast cancer awareness campaign in next month’s “Easy Living” magazine. Unfortunately, Pete Doherty’s nude-but-artfully-taped “Just Say No to Ball Cancer” didn’t quite make the cut.