French magazine Closer is reporting that Angelina Jolie gave birth to the twins this morning, saying:

En exclusivité mondiale, Closer est en mesure de vous annoncer qu’Angelina Jolie aurait accouché ce matin dans un hôpital français ! La star serait rentrée hier soir en salle de travail. Toute reproduction interdite sans la mention du site closermag.fr

You probably realized that was all in French, but being devoted editor I am, I took the liberty of translating it for you. It reads:

I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper Americans. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Of course, that’s not word-for-word. Some French words don’t translate into the English language as well as others.

UPDATE: People Magazine is reporting that Angelina did in fact check into the hospital yesterday, but as of Wednesday morning, still has not given birth.

Angelina recording Kung Fu Panda:

In Touch Weekly managed to get a shot of an undeniably pregnant Angelina Jolie as she milled around outside their home in the south of France last weekend, refuting Entertainment Tonight’s claims that Angelina gave birth to the twins late last month. But don’t think that ET will be issuing an apology and a retraction anytime soon. According to Rush and Molloy

[Entertainment Tonight] remains unconvinced, claiming that the premature infants are being secretly cared for in a French hospital. “They’re waiting till the babies are bigger and stronger before they allow anyone to take their picture.

[The InTouch picture] may be a prosthetic tummy,” contends a source.

ET might be digging in with both heels here, but at some point they’re going to have to own up to their mistake and apologize. Fortunately, that’s why God invented karaoke machines and Chicago’s “Hard to Say I’m Sorry.” It’s come this close to saving my job more times than I can count!

Billy Bob Thornton is speaking out on ex-wife Angelina Jolie’s relationship with Brad Pitt, and as you’d expect, it’s all very deep and insightful. Female First quotes him as saying

“She is just going through a high school phase. You know, dating the quarterback of the football team with Brad Pitt over there. She’ll be waking up from that dream in no time. Who knows if I’ll be there when she’s ready to come to her senses though.”

Well, when I woke up from that dream, it was right in the middle of the part where Brad was stroking my hair and running his mouth over my heaving bosom. Right before the part where he morphed into a snake with four heads and eagle claws and two little girls on tricycles started circling around me chanting in Latin. See, this is exactly why you never take a bunch of valium to come down off an acid trip. Better to do it the old-fashioned way and drink whiskey until you pass out. The more you know!

Vintage Jolie goodness:

Christina Aguilera took a little time off from drunken club-whoring to do her part for the Rock the Vote Campaign, which translated to wrapping her infant son in an American flag and cooing “America the Beautiful” to him. Whatever. This little ruse changes nothing for me. You can bet your sweet bippy that the only lullaby I’m going to be singing to some baby wrapped in an American flag is Pink Floyd’s “Welcome to the Machine.” Possibly The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” if I have time. And then I’ll hold the baby up and yell, “Meet the new boss, same as the old boss, baby! Democracy is dead! Viva la revolución!” just like I did when I ambushed the stage at my niece’s christening last week. Hopefully the Rock the Vote demographic will be a little more receptive than those folks inside the church were. Fucking Bolsheviks!

Angelina Jolie in Vanity Fair because she’s not a hideous tranny monster:

Reports are coming out of France that Angelina Jolie has already given birth to the twins. OK! Magazine reports

Entertainment Tonight claims to have confirmed reports of the birth of the Jolie-Pitt twins with a source close to the quickly expanding family. According to the rumors, the Oscar-winner gave birth on Sunday in a Catholic clinic in the Aix-En-Provence region of France.

Of course, these rumors are coming out of France, and France has been known to be wrong before. Like when they started Viet Nam War and invented pantalettes, for example.

Pregnant Angie in Cannes earlier this month:

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are apparently at odds over names for their unborn twins. Female First says

Gemini Angelina reportedly wants to name the babies Castor and Pollox after the twins of her birth sign, but Brad has dismissed the suggestion as he doesn’t want a daughter with a name “like a British cuss word”.

I have to admit I think naming them Castor and Pollux would be kinda cool. I’m a huge mythology dork, and anyone who knows the story of the two brothers knows it’s a testament to an intense fraternal love immortalized by Zeus in the constellation that just happens to be Angelina’s zodiac sign. So apropos on so many levels, really. But if Brad wants to be such a Philistine, here are a couple more famous twin names I’d also tolerate:

10. Tiki and Ronde. Catchy! Get it?

9. Romulus and Remus. Only one day one of them might be Uncle Remus, which could present problems for Disney.

8. Ben and Jerry. Are they twins? Nobody knows. But they are responsible for Chunky Monkey, which, coincidentally, also makes a good twin name.

7. Patty and Cathy. Cousins who are twins!

6. Ann and Abigail.

5. Jacob and Esau. Tough call deciding which one is relegated to a lifetime of hirsute doltishness.

4. Zan and Jayna. Wonder twin powers activate! Form of: fetus!

3. Bee and Gee. That one really depends on how deep your love is.

2. Flossie and Freddie. And the mystery of the four-leaf clover!

and the number one name I’d tolerate for the Brangelina twins:

1. Luke and Leia. No… there is another!

On a dinner date at Tetou with Clint Eastood:

Brad Pitt joined Angelina Jolie on the red carpet in Cannes for the premiere of Angie’s latest movie “Kung Fu Panda” yesterday. Brad couldn’t even muster a smile the entire time he was there, presumably suffering from Oh-My-God-What-The-Fuck-Have-I-Done syndrome associated with fathering six children. You remember the OMGWTFHID face. It’s the one your dad made when he found out you dropped out of law school to enroll in the interpretive dance academy and got knocked up by that “Nouveau Communist” cashier at the organic grocery store. It’s the same face you make when you catch an episode of “The Hills” or the person before you forgets to flush.

Jack Black inadvertently revealed that his “Kung Fu Panda” co-star Angelina Jolie is in fact expecting twins during a Today Show interview from Cannes yesterday. Us Weekly obtained the following excerpts from the interview:

“You’re gonna have as many as Brady Bunch when you have these,” Black said [to Angelina during the interview].

“So is that confirmed? Is it two?” [Natalie] Morales asked.

Jolie said “Yeah, yeah, we’ve confirmed that already. Well, Jack’s just confirmed it actually.”

“Is that true?” Black asked, to which Jolie laughingly replied, “Yeah, you did.” Black joked, “I’m glad I didn’t blow it!”

“We’re out [with the news],” Jolie said. “We’re fine. I’m very happy. Unlike most women, I love being pregnant… You just feel like everything about your body is there for your baby.”

Of course there’s two. If I’ve learned anything from Star Wars, is that you can’t bring balance to the force with just one. Besides, the guys on the Jedi Council Forum say if you interpret the prophecy literally, it would take two chosen ones to counter-effect the Sith duality of master/apprentice — always two there are; no more, no less, according to The Rule of Two first instituted by Darth Bane approximately 1,000 years before the Battle of Yanvin. My Jedi Council Forum also says that rule forbidding Jedi to love is the reason why we’re all still virgins. It makes perfect sense to me.

Researchers at the New England Historic Genealogical Society have discovered a familial link between Hollywood and Washington — Brad Pitt is related to presidential hopeful Barack Obama, while Angelina Jolie shares a lineage with former First Lady Hillary Clinton. Well, this news ought to sway a couple of votes! Us Weekly says

Pitt and Obama are ninth cousins, linked by Edwin Hickman, who died in Virginia in 1769. Clinton and Jolie, meanwhile, are ninth cousins, twice removed because they are both related to Jean Cusson who died in St. Sulpice, Quebec, in 1718.

Interestingly, the only presidential hopeful without famous celebrity cousins was Mike Huckabee, namely because all the backwoods inbreeding really thinned out his gene pool.

Federal tax filings for the Jolie Pitt Foundation were made public last week, and as expected, Brad and Angelina are definitely way better than you. This is in addition to being way better-looking than you, too. Just consider their return a big punch in your big fat metaphorical American gut, because I know that’s how they meant it. People magazine says

All told, they gave more than $8 million in donations in 2006, with Pitt putting in $4,402,317, and Jolie donating $4,123,613. These latest figures don’t include Brad’s Make It Right Foundation, [which] handed out [over $2 million], including:

$1 million to Doctors Without Borders

$1 million to the Global AIDS Alliance

$137,935 to the Namibia Red Cross Action Program

$100,000 to the Daniel Pearl Foundation

$100,000 to the Epidermolysis Bulloma Medical Research Foundation

$20,000 to an art park in Los Angeles

$5,000 to two orphanages that Jolie visited

In comparison, the only charitable donations I made in 2007 were to the Anheuser-Busch Corporation, and as I have since learned, those contributions are not technically tax deductible. Same goes for contributions to “All Naked All The Time dot Com” and “Mexico.” The IRS is not as philanthropic an institution as you might think.

Angelina with the kiddies last week:

Fellow woman scorned Sheryl Crow is speaking out on the demise of Jennifer Aniston’s marriage to Brad Pitt, insisting it was Jen who dumped Brad in back 2005 and not the other way around. Crow claims she and Aniston became BFF after she ditched cyclist Lance Armstrong and Jen sent Brad packing. Contact Music quotes her as saying

“The perceived idea is that… we both got dumped. Believe me, this is not true. Neither one of us has ever gotten dumped. Once Jen saw the writing on the wall, she dumped Brad. She took a cold, hard look at her marriage and [realized]… she and Brad had vastly different personal agendas and feelings about love, career and having a family.”

The biggest personal difference of course being Brad’s “porking Angelina Jolie” agenda. It just didn’t meld with Jen’s staunch “not being Angelina Jolie” agenda. I think that’s what’s meant by the legal term “irreconcilable differences.”

Not Angelina and Owen Wilson in Miami filming “Marley and Me” yesterday:

Angelina Jolie wrote an op-ed piece for the Washington Post this week stating her belief that the United States is morally obligated to maintain its presence in war-torn Iraq. Us Weekly obtained an excerpt from the article:

“My visit [to Iraq] left me even more deeply convinced that we not only have a moral obligation to help displaced Iraqi families, but also a serious, long-term, national security interest in ending this crisis. Can the United States afford to gamble that 4 million or more poor and displaced people, in the heart of Middle East, won’t explode in violent desperation, sending the whole region into further disorder?”

I have a tremendous amount of respect for Angelina Jolie. While stupid twats like Lindsay and Paris spend their free time and dollars driving drunk and getting mystic tans, Angelina spends millions on behalf of displaced women and children in third world countries. That said, I’m afraid “exploding into violent desperation” is the only thing the Middle East has been good at for the last thousand years, and no amount of American presence is going to change that. Even the relief packages passed out by the soldiers seem to aggravate when they are meant to help. “I see you have brought us medicines and food. But where are the rusty nails for our pipe bombs? Are we expected to flog the victims of rape with these “penicillins” and “freeze-dried carrots?” Surely there is an automatic weapon here for my child!” You’d be better off covered in honey and picnic baskets inside a Yellowstone cave than trying to talk peace into Middle East.

Angie in Baghdad’s “Green Zone” earlier this month: