Sorry for the late start today, guys. We had a massive storm during the night that knocked out the power until early this afternoon. Fortunately, I had an entire bottle of Old Grandad around and a Mister Mister cassette in the Walkman, so my morning wasn’t a total waste. When life gives you lemons, get piss-drunk off cheap whiskey, I always say. Feel free to pass that one off as your own.

Anyway, down to business: Gary Dourdan — the black guy on CSI arrested last month for heroin, cocaine, ecstasy and prescription drug possession after he passed out in his car on the wrong side of the road — went to court yesterday to be tried for his offenses. See if you can guess how much jail time you get for possessing four Schedule I and II narcotics and failing to yield at a crosswalk because you’re sleeping in your fucking car. According to the great and impartial state of California, that would be none. TMZ says

Gary Dourdan pleaded guilty to two of the felony possession charges against him and won’t have to serve any jail time. The first charged against him, for having heroin, was dropped. He pleaded guilty to the possession of coke and ecstasy charges.

Dourdan’s lawyer [says] he will enter a treatment program that consists of 30 hours of classes which usually meet once a week. The charges will be dismissed when he completes the program.

I think it’s safe to say that the only way a famous person will serve time in California is if they also have a beard and a turban and a flight plan detailing their plot to bring the Great Satan to its knees.

You probably remember that Scotland Yard got a hold of that video of Amy Winehouse washing down a snootfull of ecstasy and blow with a couple of hits off the crack pipe all the way back in January of this year. CPS finally arrested her on suspicion of possessing Class A drugs last week, but unexpectedly let her go yesterday without any legal ramifications whatsoever. Viva la justice! According to London’s The Sun

Yesterday CPS spokesman Russell Hayes said: “The footage did not establish whether the substances were illegal drugs and, in the absence of any forensic opportunity or reliable evidence from any witness, we concluded we could not establish to the high proof required in a criminal court that they were controlled drugs.”

Well, all I know is R. Kelly should really see about having his trial moved to London instead of the States. The only way Scotland Yard could be any more impotent is if it had prostate the size of a grapefruit and trust issues with its wife.

With Pete Doherty Tuesday night:

CNN personality Richard Quest was arrested in Central Park early Friday morning with a pocket full of meth, a boot full of dildo, and — most importantly — a rope around his neck tied to his wiener. The NY Post reports

Quest, 46, was arrested [for loitering] around 3:40 a.m. after a cop spotted him and another man inside the park. Aside from the oddly configured rope, the search also turned up a sex toy inside of his boot and a small bag of methamphetamine in his pocket.

It wasn’t immediately clear what the rope was for, [but] his unusual get-up didn’t lead to a lewdness charge because he wasn’t exposing himself. Quest’s unidentified companion was given a summons for not carrying any identification.

Not surprisingly, his dreams of creating a Central Park Marionette Theater were dashed when his “Lonely Goatherd” one-man revival was cut short by the arresting officers.

Dr. Phil officially pledged his eternal soul to Satan this weekend after sending a production assistant to Florida to bail out the ringleader of a group of six girls who beat a classmate for an hour and then posted the video footage on YouTube. Dr. Phil & Company ponied up a whopping thirty grand to the Polk County Sheriff’s office for exclusive rights to Mercades Nichols, who is currently staring down kidnapping, battery and witness tampering charges. By the way, the girl beaten unconscious in the video was hospitalized for a concussion, damage to her left eye, and partial loss of hearing in her left ear. Can you smell the ratings from here? Of course, now that the media’s gotten a hold of it, Dr. Phil doesn’t want any credit for it. MSNBC reports

The “Dr. Phil” show issued a statement saying “certain staff members went beyond our guidelines (re: the bail being paid),” but a source close to the production fears that this incident could be the final straw for the show.

“It’s getting desperate behind the scenes. Dr. Phil is so demanding, and there’s a feeling anyone will do anything for the get,” said a source. “People don’t trust him like they used to. The… incident [is] beyond embarrassing for the entire show. How do you bounce back from this?”

You don’t “bounce back.” You draw the symbol of Baphomet in the dirt, drink the blood of a virgin and recite the Enochian chants during a full moon on Walpurgisnacht. Really, it’s the only shot he’s got.

Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora was arrested late Tuesday night for driving under the influence. But wait — it gets better! His fifth grade daughter was in the car at the time of the arrest. TMZ says

Cops say they observed him driving erratically in a black Hummer and pulled him over. He failed numerous field sobriety tests and was detained for DUI. Richie Sambora’s 10-year-old daughter, Ava, was in the car with him when he was busted for DUI Tuesday night. [Another unnamed juvenile and adult were also in the car at the time of the arrest.]

This guy’s really been on the fast track to success since his split from Heather Locklear! Two trips to rehab, forty or so pounds, and now child endangerment charges. He’s like Britney Spears, only with less visible scalp and British personalities.

Talk-show host Tyra Banks claims to have been terrorized the last few months by a gentleman sending letters and flowers and showing up at some of her studios unannounced. Cops arrested the stalker last week, but seeing as how his only crime is loving Tyra too much, they released him the following day. The New York Post reports

Brady Green, 37… arrived in the lobby [of "The Tyra Banks Show"] at 4:23 p.m. on Tuesday carrying a large duffel bag stuffed with magazine write-ups about Banks. Cops were called to the scene, where Banks said she feared for her safety.

But at 7:22 p.m., Green was back across the street… at a McDonald’s. Cops arrested him and charged him with stalking, harassment and criminal trespass. The next morning, Green appeared in Manhattan Criminal Court and pleaded not guilty to the charges. Judge Anthony Ferrara released him, but issued an order of protection for Banks.

Some people just confuse “pursuing true love” with “stalking.” Just like some people are “repulsed” by your collage of personal effects unearthed from their garbage and “terrified” of the shrine of photos of them shot with a long-range lens from rented room across the street. These are the same people that suggest “you take your Klonopin” and “pull up your pants” before “they call the cops” “again.”

The many faces of beautiful:

Singer Kid Rock attempted to make good on his October 2007 Waffle House arrest by returning to the scene of the crime as a short order cook for charity. The Associated Press talked with the throngs of fans outside the Dekalb County Waffle House yesterday morning:

First in line: Ashley Miles, 21, from West Virginia and her mother, Terri. They arrived at 8:30 p.m. Monday and waited all night. “I love him; he is gorgeous,” the daughter said.

Next in line: Alisha Mullen and husband Wes, who arrived at 3:30 a.m. from Point Pleasant, West Virginia. They brought sons Carson Taylor, 7, and Brady Taylor, 10. When asked what he would say to Kid Rock, Carson smiled and said, “I’m a cowboy, baby.”

You could get the same elite collective by scraping the bottom of your boots outside Gwinnett County Wal-Mart or emptying the local drunk tank on a payday. Fact: if it smells like Skoal Long Cut, Old Grand Dad and Stetson Aftershave, you can bet your sweet bippy it’s a Kid Rock fan. Run fast, run far.

22-year old actress Mischa Barton was formally charged yesterday for that DUI she got last December. People Magazine says

Mischa Barton has been charged with driving under the influence and possession of marijuana… [and] driving without a valid license. Her arraignment on the misdemeanor charges is set for Thursday in Beverly Hills Superior Court.

Let’s just hope this arrest won’t interfere with her busy career of hawking canvas tennis shoes and affordable teen fashion! It’d be a real shame if she couldn’t continue to collect a paycheck for having been “The O.C.’s” Marissa Cooper. And finding a generic half-decade-old-teen-drama¹ spokesmodel replacement would be damn near impossible. It’d be like looking for a needle in a haystack, or in the case of the Fox network, a turd in a septic tank.

¹_{Excluding the cast of “Beverly Hills, 90210,” “Party of Five,” “Buffy The Vampire Slayer,” etc., etc.}

Clairols #172 “Trailer Park Blonde” shopping at Urban Outfitters last week:

Amy Winehouse’s husband Blake “Hold My Pocket” Fielder-Civil has been kicking around the idea of a divorce, thanks in part to his mommy dearest. Female First says

Blake is under pressure from his mother to sever all ties with Amy. [Amy's dad] said in an interview: “Blake threatened to issue divorce proceedings when they were having a row. Unfortunately, Blake is influenced by things his mother has said. I think [his mother] wants them to divorce, but it’s up to them. From Amy’s point of view, she would stick by him not matter what. But he has said things like, ‘I want a divorce’.”

[His mother] recently said: “Amy’s husband is in jail and she’s cavorting with an old boyfriend [while vacationing in the Caribbean]. What’s she playing at?” A source added: “The Blake and Amy situation is imploding. Blake has been listening to his mother, and he’s been hot and cold with Amy when they do meet.

Blake Fielder-Civil’s career highlights include being a junkie dealer, throwing “wild self-mutilation parties” and guzzling prison hooch, so I can totally see why his mother thinks he’s too good for Amy. If he could just get the leeching off her paychecks out of his system, maybe he could find a nice boy to spend the rest of his life with. Like a white-collar criminal, for example. “Mr. 49 Felony Counts of Fraud and Forgery by an Insurance Professional” could be just around the corner at the next group shower or mandatory delousing. It’s not like romance goes around looking for you, you know. Sometimes you have to go out there in prison yard and find it yourself.

Amy en route to the premiere of “Sweeney Todd” in London:

Mischa Barton was supposed to receive $30,000 to host the grand opening of the CatHouse Loungerie in Vegas, but the plans fell through when she was arrested for DUI last week. But rather than being pissed about the canceled appearance, the club owners were actually happy that Meesh was a no-show. Page Six says

The 21-year-old actress’ handlers were “difficult . . . They wanted a bigger jet [sent]. Mischa wanted to bring her dogs.” Another spy said that Barton… didn’t like the scantily clad model on the invite: “[Her reps] wanted the invitation redone because they thought it was too risque for her image.” Barton even had the nerve to have Paris and Nicky Hilton banned from the bash. “They were blacklisted. Mischa’s team didn’t want her to be associated with the party-girl scene,” a source said.

Irony, is that you? Avoiding Paris Hilton is good and all, but I’m pretty sure nothing says “party-girl scene” like getting a DUI. Her handlers maybe should mention that to her next time. Well, at least her arrest wasn’t a total disaster — it seems to have rekindled the interest of former flame Cisco “Swing Low Sweet Chariot” Adler. Page Six adds

Mischa’s ex still has a thing for her. [Cisco] told the likes of Danny Masterson at the Friday opening of nightclub Home in St. Louis that he felt for [Mischa] after she was arrested for DUI the day before in Hollywood. “He went around telling everyone that she looked so hot in her mug shot,” said a spy.

If he thinks her mugshot’s hot, then he should check out “Faces of Meth” and “STD’s and You (NSFW).” There’s enough spank material there to last for weeks. And don’t forget about the bus station! I’m sure the Hoeboken Greyhound depot is chock-full of lovelies with sexy mugshots.

Mischa in the January issue of Arena magazine: