It looks like Anne Hathaway pulled out of the relationship just in time, because things just went from bad to oh-shit-I’m-screwed for her ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri. The 29-year old Italian businessman is staring down 20 years in prison for posing as an agent of the Vatican in order to scam investors out millions of dollars. The 18-page indictment charges

Follieri boasted of meeting Pope Benedict and of being tapped as the Vatican’s number one man on U.S. real estate deals. He used investors’ money to hire a pair of monsignors… to [dress as] senior clergyman “to create the false impression that Follieri had close ties to the Vatican.”

Prosecutors say Follieri used the loot to live the high life with Hathaway. His luxury expenses included a $37,000-a-month apartment, tailor-made Italian suits and a $30,000 house call from his physician, who had to be flown in to London.

That’s why you never do business with Italians. It’s always “Some day — and that day may never come — I’ll call upon you to do a service for me” this and “You nothing but a-skin and bones-a! How come-a you no eat-a the canoli? Mama mia!” that. Unless you’re in the market for a couple of reams of chest hair or pizza and a hair cut, you’re better off just avoiding them altogether. Fortunately, you can usually smell them coming a mile away, so keeping your distance isn’t too hard.

Anne at the Australian premiere of “Get Smart”:

Oscar-winning actress Tatum O’Neal was arrested Sunday and charged with possession of a controlled substance when cops witnessed her trying to buy crack cocaine. According to the NY Daily News

The 44-year-old O’Neal initially told cops she was “doing research for a part,” a police source said. When cops searched her and found two bags of drugs - one with crack, one with regular cocaine - and an unused crack pipe, she changed her story, sources said.

“I’ve been clean for a long time,” the teary-eyed actress pleaded as she asked cops to give her a break, sources said. “Today was the first time I was relapsing, but you guys saved me! Can you let me go?”

“Researching a part” is perhaps the most brilliant excuse I’ve ever heard. And applicable on so many levels, too! Like, “I’m not a compulsive overeater; I’m researching the part of Britney Spears.” Or, “I’m not maniacally promiscuous; I’m just researching the part of Paris Hilton.” And “I’m not luring children up to my apartment to feed off their souls; I’m researching the part of Dina Lohan.” The possibilities are practically endless!

Amy “Receding Gums” Winehouse is facing up to six months’ jail and a $4,000 fine for allegedly assaulting two men while bar-hopping in Camden. Well, not so much hopping as “staggering” and “stumbling.” London’s The Sun says

The junkie singer, 24… headbutted a Good Samaritan who hailed her a cab outside a bar… [and] punched Moroccan musician Mustapha el Mounmi [in the face] after he refused to give way to her at the pool table. The married singer also [made out with] a mystery fella and [overturned] tables and drinks.

She was later seen smoking drugs in the street and walked into a lamppost.

She’s like some wonderful beehived amalgamation of the Tasmanian devil and Nick Nolte come to life, isn’t she? I sort of imagine her whirling and snarling and flailing everywhere she goes, leaving a trail of broken bottles and overturned tables in her wake. And then a lot of indecipherable blathering that occasionally gives way to a projectile vomit or two, like “Sod off, you bloody bug — BLAAAAARGH!” and then a lot of splattering and bystanders screaming and running for their lives.

Notoriously temperamental supermodel Naomi Campbell was arrested at Heathrow Airport yesterday for assaulting a police officer who attempted to remove her from the plane. The NY Daily News reports

The volatile vixen went bonkers when flight attendants on British Airways Flight 269 informed her one of her bags was missing. Witnesses said Campbell, 37, began berating staffers. [One passenger] said, “It was pretty violent. You could hear her screaming. It went on maybe 10 or 15 minutes. It was so bad they had to get three cops to take her away.”

Authorities said she spit on and took a swing at one male cop before being deemed unfit to fly and removed from the plane in handcuffs. The London-to-Los Angeles flight left more than an hour late without Campbell, who was detained at the Heathrow police station.

A hard lesson for any girl to have to learn. While it may be perfectly acceptable to spit on migrant workers and slap the homeless, one person you don’t want to attack is a uniformed police officer. Same goes for any type of circuit court judge or parole officer. I’ve found you can adequately convey your displeasure by the simple act of taking a dump in the backseat of the squad car. That way, it’s just “misdemeanor indecent exposure” instead of “felony assault on a police officer.” Just as effective, and only a third of the jail time! Look for more handy tips like these in my soon to be published autobiography “Turning the Tables: You Can’t Fire Me Because I’m Firing YOU!”

Naomi for Pinko:

Attention whore Bai Ling was arrested for shoplifting from an airport gift shop earlier this week. You may remember Bai Ling from such hits as “She Hate Me” and “My Baby’s Daddy” and her signature “injured pelican” moves on the dance floor. What could have led such an obviously talented girl to steal in the first place, you ask? Why, a relationship gone sour, of course. According to People magazine

The 37-year-old former Playmate was arrested Wednesday at Los Angeles International Airport after reportedly shoplifting $16 worth of celebrity magazines and batteries from a terminal convenience store. It was an “emotionally crazy” day, she explained to E! News on Thursday. She was coping with the “huge problem of breaking up [before] Valentine’s Day,” [adding], “Wrong boyfriend.”

It’s a relief to know she wasn’t wrongfully arrested. I just assumed she’d wandered too close to a display stand in the shop and — unbeknownst to her — lanced a couple of magazines and a pack of batteries with those (NSFW) monstrously long nipples of hers. Seriously, she’s like the saber-tooth tiger of nipples. But as Gary Coleman once said, “It’s hard to be a three-inch long nipple in a quarter-inch nipple world.” Side note: that quote also makes for an unforgettable toast at your sister’s wedding. Cheers!

A douchebag kid hellbent on hijacking a plane and crashing it into a Hannah Montana concert in Louisiana was arrested in Nashville, Tennessee (Woo! Tennessee!) Tuesday night. Fox News reports

The 16-year-old boy was removed from Southwest Airlines Flight 284 Tuesday night by authorities at Nashville International Airport and found with… handcuffs, rope and duct tape in his bag. It has not been determined if the boy was trying to crash the plane… into a “Hannah Montana” concert in Lafayette, Louisiana. The teen is believed to be suicidal.

Bolds said the teen was calm throughout the flight and never made an attempt to hijack the plane but told the FBI after he was apprehended about his original plans to commandeer the aircraft. Authorities searched the teen’s home in California and found a mock cockpit.

“His plan had a low probability of success,” [FBI spokesman] George Bold said.

It’s a real shame. That’s the kind of terrorist movement I could actually get behind. Also anyone willing to purge the airways of “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody” and Nickelodeon’s “Drake and Josh.” Justifiable Jihad, baby!

Mischa Barton was arrested early this morning for DUI, narcotics possession and driving on a suspended license. TMZ says

The former “O.C.” star was pulled around 2:45 AM as she was driving in West Hollywood. Cops say she “was seen straddling two lanes of traffic and failed to signal when making a turn.” When deputies pulled her over, they determined that she “was an unlicensed driver and was driving while under the influence of an alcoholic beverage.”

I always thought a better name for “The O.C.” would have been “The B.A.C,” and instead of smarmy twats and their prep school boyfriends bitching and whining about their superficial angst, you could just have security footage of drunk people throwing up and falling down, possibly hurting and/or humiliating themselves. Think about the money you’d save in production costs alone. I never watched one single episode of “The O.C.,” but I can promise you I wouldn’t have missed an opportunity to see Mischa passed out in a puddle of her own barf while some hobo rifled through her purse. That’s what you call a “recipe for success,” Fox Network. Sometimes it just happens to smell a lot like urine.

Twice arrested and currently incarcerated “American Idol” loser Jessica Sierra is pregnant. Another Christmas miracle, perhaps? TMZ says

“American Idol” trainwreck finalist Jessica Sierra done got herself knocked up — and she’s still in the slammer! Sources [say] that the father is a “rapper” and Jessica is ecstatic over the news. She’s currently in the infirmary in the Falkenburg Road Jail in Florida on a “pregnancy diet.”

Sierra is currently facing two misdemeanor charges of disorderly intoxication and obstructing or opposing an officer and two felony counts of possession of cocaine and battery.

This must mean that Jessica has been made an honorary Spears! Nice. Maybe we should take a page from China’s book and start practicing population control. Like dusting Cheetos with arsenic and making lotto tickets out of rattlesnakes. But the real winner in all this has to be the unborn child. Sometimes life just deals you all the right cards!

LSFW screen caps from the sex tape:

Because the last name ‘LeBouef’ is a only few letters shy of “Little Bunny Foo-Foo” and closer still to “LeFuckface,” “Transformers” star Shia LeBouef found himself in police custody yesterday morning after refusing to leave a Chicago-area Walgreen’s. According to Us Weekly

Shia LaBeouf was arrested for trespassing [at Walgreen's] early Sunday morning. The actor, 21, reportedly ignored repeated requests from a security guard to leave the store and was taken to the city’s Near North police district around 2:25 a.m. (The Walgreen’s guard also filed a complaint against the actor.) A source [says] that LaBeouf was partying with friends at Chicago hot spot The Underground shortly before his arrest. LaBeouf was cited on a misdemeanor count of trespassing… and is due in court November 28.

Pregnant ladies, Shia here is reason enough to carefully reconsider what you’re planning on naming your unborn child. Charles “Chas” Whitfield Wellington the Third might sound nice on paper, but attach it to a kid and youngsters everywhere are instantly overwhelmed with the urge to stuff his stupid smarmy face in the cafeteria trashcan and then pour glue in his hair. Suffice it to say you might as well name your baby “Fagonious McQueerpuff” or “Punchmeinthekidneys Smith.” What you want to do when choosing a name is go with as few syllables as possible. A lot of hard consonants, too. You want the name to name to be the spoken language equivalent of a punch in the face. Tex McGruff, for example. Bam bam. See how that works? Rock Strongbottom. Flex Toughman. Rick Rude. In comparison, the name “Shia LeBeouf” is the spoken word equivalent of being pelted with a marshmallow by some string-beany looking guy arguing with a drugstore rent-a-cop. Besides, everybody knows “beouf” is just another word for “getting tagged in the butt” anyway. Don’t make the same mistake his mother did!

The whole mug shot, plus ‘Transformers’ co-star Megan Fox at Mercedes Benz Fashion Week: