The Daily Mail has pictures of Mena Suvari frolicking in the surf in another cheek-baring bikini this week. It begs the question “Does an ass this marvelous have magical powers?” I’m sure her bottom could grant wishes and maybe cure cancer if you just knew how to harness its power. For the record, burying your face in the crack and motorboating like you’re demon-possessed does not unlock its supernatural potential. Nor does getting a good running start with your spanking hand outstretched or putting her in a headlock and attempting to “play the bongos” while she thrashes around like a bluefish in a trolling net. Unless your one true wish happens to be a black eye and a restraining order, in which case, have at it, Slappy.

Don’t be afraid, dear readers — that babushka in the big glasses doesn’t want to make a hearty stew of your children. That’s because the crone pictured above is none other than actress Kate Hudson on vacation in Miami. Now, I know what you’re thinking: how do I know that’s not really a Yugoslavian fishwife disguised as Kate Hudson? It sure looks like a Yugoslavian fishwife. The trick here is the ass. If the ass looks like it belongs under a rainbow nestled on a cushion of rose petals surrounded by doe-eyed forest creatures, it’s Kate Hudson. If it looks like sourdough starter that’s been pounded with a meat tenderizer and stretched a good city block, then it’s an Eastern Bloc ogress. Feel free to write this down to keep in your wallet for reference in emergencies.

More ass-tastic Kate yesterday:

Usually with this kind of embarrassing picture, I’d black bar the face and do a “Name That Celebrity” kind of post so you could guess whose back fat this was. However, the gigantic ass looming there beneath the bra sausage instantly gives it away, so there’s no sense in doing that. Really, the only was it could be any more obvious that it’s Kim Kardashian is if the picture were flanked by a couple of big black penises and they were all taking turns urinating on it. Because she’s a slut who likes getting peed on by black guys, you see.

Sausage Links shopping on Robertson Boulevard on Tuesday: