Country singer Tim McGraw spotted some fat bastard assaulting a woman in the front row of his Auburn, Washington concert Tuesday night and took care of business the Tennessee way — grabbing tubby by his belt and hoisting him up onstage so security could forcibly eject him. Tim’s rep tells TMZ
“While Tim was performing last night, he watched a man rush to the front of the stage… [and] attack a female fan. Tim called for security, but when they could not respond quick enough Tim and several crew members removed the fan from the audience.”
Let this be a lesson to you all: you don’t fuck with people from from the South, and you especially don’t fuck with people from Tennessee. A big belt buckle and a cowboy hat are a nice touch, but if it’s fear and respect you want, let your co-workers know you hail from the Volunteer State. Trust me, it’s a lot easier than putting out a couple of cigarettes on your forerm and stabbing the guy from accounting at the company picnic. Gang initiations don’t seem to impress HR nearly as much as they do the Crips and Heather Locklear.
A fan is suing “rocker” Pete Wentz for allegedly kicking his ass at Fall Out Boy show last year. That would be Pete Wentz. Of Fall Out Boy. Ahem. The one in the eyeliner about to lock lips with another man in the above picture. TMZ says
According to the lawsuit, Andy Kallas claims he was watching the boys perform at Schuba’s Tavern in Chicago when Wentz and his [bodyguards] beat him to a pulp for several minutes. Kallas claims he suffered “serious injuries to his head, mouth and face.”
Kallas is suing both Wentz and the club for an unspecified amount in damages.
How does something like this happen? It doesn’t make any sense. I’d put my money on a blind kittycat on stilts before I’d bet on Pete Wentz to win a fight. Unless the fight was some kind of emotive poetry-off or a competition for World’s Biggest Vagina. Then all the chips would be on ol’ Petey.
Amy Winehouse sobbed all the way to the London police station today where she is being questioned in conjunction with that head-butting face-punching rampage that happened late Wednesday night. But don’t think a date with the boys in blue curtailed her fun the night before! It’s Amy Winehouse! Don’t let’s be silly. The Daily Mail reports
After a quick session in a local pub, she headed round the corner to the Made In Brasil restaurant, where things started to turn ugly. Amy was apparently asked to leave after she was caught taking drugs in the toilet. She then rounded up her friends and headed to her flat to continue the party. On her way there, she stopped off at a shop to stock up on disposable lighters.
Well, don’t think she can’t afford those Bics, because it was announced yesterday that she had entered the Sunday Times list of Britain’s wealthiest young millionaires with an estimated fortune of 20 million. However, the paper did not specify if that was 20 million dollars American, 20 million British pounds, or 20 million used syringes and scabs scattered around her apartment. But check out that 20 million dollar smile! Four out of five dentists agree that gingivitis is leading cause of tooth decay.
Amy “Receding Gums” Winehouse is facing up to six months’ jail and a $4,000 fine for allegedly assaulting two men while bar-hopping in Camden. Well, not so much hopping as “staggering” and “stumbling.” London’s The Sun says
The junkie singer, 24… headbutted a Good Samaritan who hailed her a cab outside a bar… [and] punched Moroccan musician Mustapha el Mounmi [in the face] after he refused to give way to her at the pool table. The married singer also [made out with] a mystery fella and [overturned] tables and drinks.
She was later seen smoking drugs in the street and walked into a lamppost.
She’s like some wonderful beehived amalgamation of the Tasmanian devil and Nick Nolte come to life, isn’t she? I sort of imagine her whirling and snarling and flailing everywhere she goes, leaving a trail of broken bottles and overturned tables in her wake. And then a lot of indecipherable blathering that occasionally gives way to a projectile vomit or two, like “Sod off, you bloody bug — BLAAAAARGH!” and then a lot of splattering and bystanders screaming and running for their lives.
Notoriously temperamental supermodel Naomi Campbell was arrested at Heathrow Airport yesterday for assaulting a police officer who attempted to remove her from the plane. The NY Daily News reports
The volatile vixen went bonkers when flight attendants on British Airways Flight 269 informed her one of her bags was missing. Witnesses said Campbell, 37, began berating staffers. [One passenger] said, “It was pretty violent. You could hear her screaming. It went on maybe 10 or 15 minutes. It was so bad they had to get three cops to take her away.”
Authorities said she spit on and took a swing at one male cop before being deemed unfit to fly and removed from the plane in handcuffs. The London-to-Los Angeles flight left more than an hour late without Campbell, who was detained at the Heathrow police station.
A hard lesson for any girl to have to learn. While it may be perfectly acceptable to spit on migrant workers and slap the homeless, one person you don’t want to attack is a uniformed police officer. Same goes for any type of circuit court judge or parole officer. I’ve found you can adequately convey your displeasure by the simple act of taking a dump in the backseat of the squad car. That way, it’s just “misdemeanor indecent exposure” instead of “felony assault on a police officer.” Just as effective, and only a third of the jail time! Look for more handy tips like these in my soon to be published autobiography “Turning the Tables: You Can’t Fire Me Because I’m Firing YOU!”
