Barbara Walters was on Oprah on Tuesday promoting her autobiography “Audition,” in which she admits to having an affair with a married senator in the seventies and being made to lie about her “View” co-host Star Jones’ gastric bypass surgery. ABC News quotes Barbara as saying:

“[Star] decided to have a gastric bypass operation, but then she decided not to tell anybody. Then we had to lie on the set every day because she said it was portion control and Pilates. Well, we knew it wasn’t portion control and Pilates.”

Star Jones’ reaction (via Us Weekly) was decidedly pissy:

“It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life, is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book. It speaks to her true character.”

I’m sorry, Star, but that’s incorrect. The correct answer would have been to exclaim “I’m gonna snatch yo triflin’ bitch-ass bald-headed and bust out all yo fronts,” then hand your boyfriend your jewelery and kick off your shoes and go straight for the weave. Seriously, has she ever watched an episode of “Springer?” Sounds like Star needs to brush up on the basics!

Those rumors that Tom Cruise “auditioned” several Hollywood actresses before choosing Katie Holmes to be his wife have actually been confirmed by a former high-ranking Scientologist. Female First says

[Scientology promotional films producer Marc Headley] reveals, “[Scientology leader David] Miscavige assigned the order: ‘Find a wife for Tom Cruise’ [and] put out a casting call to female actresses saying, ‘There’s an upcoming Tom Cruise movie you might get a part in. Come for an audition.’ They had to be single, they had to be pretty and in their 20s. But in the end no movie was made.

“First they rounded up Scientologist actresses… but they were all rejected. Then they went for Jennifer Garner, Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba, in that order. Jennifer and Jessica didn’t bite but Scarlett took the bait. When she found out [the "audition"] was [being held] at the Scientology Center in Hollywood she freaked out. So they worked the audition bit on Katie and introduced her to Tom. The moment he meets her, he’s enthralled with her and he told Miscavige later, ‘I knew immediately she was the one.’”

That’s like thinking you’re the most awesome player on the kickball team ever but then finding out that the captain actually chose you last. And not only did he choose you last, but that the other team took both the smelly kid and the fat kid with the skin condition so they wouldn’t be stuck with you.