Despite rumors that her pregnancy complications would require a c-section, OK! Magazine is reporting that Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth naturally to 7 lbs. 11 oz Maddie Briann yesterday morning. All of Jamie’s family were there for the birth, including “daddy” Casey Aldridge, who managed to secure several days paternity leave from his work. And what does Casey do, exactly? I’m glad you asked. According to the AP

Casey Aldridge [is] a pipe-layer from Liberty, Mississippi.

What a small world! My husband is a pipe-layer, too. In fact, he laid some serious pipe last night! Woo! I’m going to be walking around like a cowboy for the next 24 hours. You know, because of the rickets. Well, what did you think I was talking about? Jesus, you guys are such perverts. It’s not all dick humor and gay jokes around here, you know. Sometimes I also talk about poop. Let’s try to keep it classy for once.

Aunt Britney visiting in Kentwood:

Jessica Alba finally cranked out her brown baby yesterday. Us Weekly says

Jessica Alba and her husband Cash Warren have welcomed a baby girl, [Honor Marie Warren]. She was born this weekend at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.

Eh, who cares. In way more interesting news, Disney’s “High School Musical” star Ashely Tisdale does NOT have the HIV virus. According to Nine MSN

[The] rumor that Ashley Tisdale tested positive to HIV is “completely untrue” says her rep.

Last week a number of online blogs reported that the 22-year-old High School Musical star contracted the virus during a rhinoplasty procedure in 2007… and [now suffers] from AIDS.

Good thing, because it’s pretty hard to make a joke about AIDS. Same goes for jokes about childhood cancers and burn victims. Luckily, making buck teeth and pulling back your eyelids while saying “Me so sowwy! Me likey flied lice!” is always a hit. Even better if you’re wearing a zany tie or a plastic flower that squirts water. Really, burn victims can’t get enough of that shit. Anything with water really seems to crank their tractors.

Very pregnant Alba at the Celebration of Mentoring May 20th:

Christina Aguilera took a little time off from drunken club-whoring to do her part for the Rock the Vote Campaign, which translated to wrapping her infant son in an American flag and cooing “America the Beautiful” to him. Whatever. This little ruse changes nothing for me. You can bet your sweet bippy that the only lullaby I’m going to be singing to some baby wrapped in an American flag is Pink Floyd’s “Welcome to the Machine.” Possibly The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” if I have time. And then I’ll hold the baby up and yell, “Meet the new boss, same as the old boss, baby! Democracy is dead! Viva la revolución!” just like I did when I ambushed the stage at my niece’s christening last week. Hopefully the Rock the Vote demographic will be a little more receptive than those folks inside the church were. Fucking Bolsheviks!

Angelina Jolie in Vanity Fair because she’s not a hideous tranny monster:

Paris Hilton’s reps are denying the heiress is pregnant after pictures of her with a protruding belly sparked baby rumors yesterday. London’s The Sun says

Many websites claimed Paris is sporting a mini baby bump underneath her floaty green dress. But the party girl’s representatives have been quick to deny she’s pregnant, insisting these claims are “completely false”.

Of course she’s not pregnant. No sperm could survive in that kind of hostile environment more than ten minutes. Fifteen, tops. I’d be willing to bet that if you looked inside her vagina a half hour after intercourse, there’d just be a lot of bubbling and hissing sounds, like you were frying bacon in hydrochloric acid. And you might see occasional shriveled and disfigured spermatozoa emerge from the mist, rattling chains and moaning like some kind of a seminal Jacob Marley on Christmas Eve, and right in front of the cervix would be a hand-lettered sign that read “The End Is Near — John 3:16.” You’d be better off spilling your seed in a ten-gallon drum of radioactive waste than dropping a load in Paris Hilton. At least your baby has a chance of turning out to be a superhero that way.

Hold on to your buttless chaps, boys and girls — Clay Aiken is going to be a daddy. TMZ says

Multiple sources tell us the mother is Jaymes Foster, a record producer and Clay’s best friend [with whom he lives] when he’s in L.A. 50-year-old Foster, who produced several Aiken CDs, is due in August. Foster was artificially inseminated, but Clay is a lot more than just sperm — we’re told he will have an active role in raising the child.

I never thought I’d see the day when Clay Aiken fathered a child with an actual woman. You know, the whole “penis and vagina” thing. But give the guy a little gay porn and a mason jar, and nature finds a way!

After months of uninterested speculation, newlyweds Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz finally confirmed that she is pregnant with their first child. BO-RING. Significantly less boring? The bee made entirely of Legos that Pete gave Ashlee as a wedding gift. According to Splash News, Pete commissioned Nathan Sawaya to create the insect sculpture because

Because it is romantic of course. In Hindu myth, Kama, the god of love, has a bow… made up of bees. In the ancient Greek world, the bee symbolized the soul. And the Roman god of love is often pictured with bees or being stung.

I made this bee for a boy who wanted to give his girl a special wedding gift. They are a fun couple as evidenced by their Alice in Wonderland themed wedding.

I figured the bee had more to do with his crying. See, in Egyptian mythology, bees grew from the tears of the sun god Ra when they landed on the desert sand. “Pete Wentz” and “tears” go together almost as well as “Pete Wentz” and “vagina,” but unfortunately, there weren’t any references to female genitalia in the ancient mythology of the bee.

Although Beyoncé’s camp adamently denies it, rumors that the “Bootylicious” singer is pregnant have been swirling since her impromptu marriage to Jay-Z last month. Star Magazine says

Friends of the newlyweds tell the New York Post’s Page Six column that the couple is infanticipating their first child. “She has gained a lot of pregnancy weight,” a source tells Page Six. “When she gains weight, she normally does the Def Jam detox, but not now.”

Well, if it’s true, the pregnancy ought to go swimmingly, since Beyonce is apparently an old pro at getting knocked up. Nine MSN says

Gossip site Bossip.com has published the photo [above], showing a young girl who looks a lot like Beyonce nursing a pregnant belly.The pic, sent in by a Bossip.com reader, is alleged to be Beyonce at 15 years of age.

Is it really Beyonce? I don’t know. All I know is it’s clearly a black female in the height of nineties fashion who vaguely resembles a young Mrs. Jay-Z. Of course, Geraldo Rivera vaguely resembles Beyonce if you tilt your monitor back 45 degrees and squint your eyes from about fifty paces. Look, I’m only here to conjecture wildly and speculate. If it’s “facts” and “credibility” you want, I’m afraid you’ve come to the wrong place, baby. We all know I’ve never been one to look after I wipe.

A very definitely pregnant Nicole Kidman in Nashville May 11th:

Three weeks ago, Mariah Carey claimed that she didn’t want children of her own “because of childhood traumatic stuff” (I’m guessing something with colorful winged insects getting stuck in her ranch dressing hose). But since walking down the aisle with Nick “Nobody” Cannon, Mariah has suddenly changed her tune. According to Rush and Molloy

Yesterday, one of Carey’s assistants called L.A.’s chic baby boutique Petit Tresor to talk about preparing for a little roommate. Mariah’s office asked if the store could send fabric samples with the theme of - you guessed it - butterflies! The Petit crew is sending pictures of the nursery they just finished for Jennifer Lopez’s twins.

The unfortunate thing about babies — however cute they may be — is that they inevitably grow up into awkward teenagers with braces and acne and the insatiable urge to abuse their bodies. Everything Mariah owns is pink and fluffy and covered in butterflies and glitter. You can see where I’m going with this. The only thing Mariah Carey should ever considering mothering is maybe a rainbow unicorn or a Barbie Mariposa. Something imaginary and guaranteed not to ruin your life with its cystic boils and angst and struggle for identity. And also something that does most of its pooping outside.

Mariah at Fred Segal’s on Sunday:

Could Britney Spears really be knocked up again? Pictures of Mental Case McGee waddling around L.A. in a velour tracksuit have sprouted yet another crop of pregnancy rumors. The Daily Mail says

She was snapped cradling her swollen-looking stomach on a shopping trip [in L.A. over the weekend]. Dressed casually in tracksuit bottoms and a T-shirt, the mother-of-two was seen placing a protective hand over her bulging tummy.

Wow. Just… wow. I think the only way these picture of her could get any sexier is if they were also scratch-and-sniff stickers.

Amy Winehouse took a break from working on “The Quantum Of Solace” title track to pound a couple of shots of Midori Melon while holding a baby. All the cool kids are doing it! Forget body shots — fontanel shots are where it’s at in 2008. Just lick it, stick it, slam it, and change it’s diaper, baby!

It seems you can’t turn around these days without being slapped in the face with a celebrity placenta. Babies are 2008’s Birkin bag. And this weekend was no exception, with Us Weekly reporting that actress Halle Berry gave birth to a baby girl on Sunday. When asked for how she felt, Halle said, “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I’m sorry. This moment is so much bigger than me. This moment is for every nameless, faceless woman of color that now has a chance because this door tonight has been opened. I’m so honored to be the vessel for which His blessing might flow.” And then the collective world rolled its eyes and sighed and yelled “You just got yo’ ass knocked up by a white boy, ya big dummy!” In my experience, the collective world sounds a lot like Fred Sanford.

UPDATE: People magazine reports that Halle and Gabriel have named the baby Nahla Ariela Aubry. So “Lion King” plus “Little Mermaid” minus Mommy’s last name. Also, “Ariela” and “areola” are practically the same word. Just saying.

Halle in Santa Monica on Friday:

There is something just wrong about seeing “Drrty” singer Christina Aguilera cuddling an infant. It’s like seeing a snake holding hands with a field mouse or Paris Hilton cradling a Bible. It’s just unnatural. Perverse, even. With the big fake tits and platinum blonde hair, Christina looks like she should be standing in for Stormy Daniels in “Cockamamie 4,” not powdering a newborn baby’s bottom. In fact, the only time a chick that skanky looking should even be uttering the word “baby” is if it’s succeeded by “mmm… give it to me, yeah” right before she takes a big load in the face.