You know the feeling you got when you you were forced to hug the middle-aged accounting partner of your father’s staggering around in a giant diaper and bonnet at 1986’s New Year’s Eve party? The feeling that compelled you to spend two hours in a scalding hot shower with a Bible and a Brillo pad in the fetal position? Well, relive your seven-year old nightmare all over again with these pictures of Pink in a polka-dot bikini and sun hat in Malibu over the weekend. It’s a disturbing melange of Anne Geddes and biker bar, Gerber and Jack Daniels, Huggies and Astroglide-primed anal fisting. I don’t know whether to find it a binky or light its cigar. It’s probably best to just throw rocks at it and wait until it stops moving before you get any closer.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The ass crack above belongs to Todd Morse of Juliette Lewis’ rock band non-fame and is clearly not a threat to Pink’s masculinity or melatonin production.

The Daily Mail has pictures of Mena Suvari frolicking in the surf in another cheek-baring bikini this week. It begs the question “Does an ass this marvelous have magical powers?” I’m sure her bottom could grant wishes and maybe cure cancer if you just knew how to harness its power. For the record, burying your face in the crack and motorboating like you’re demon-possessed does not unlock its supernatural potential. Nor does getting a good running start with your spanking hand outstretched or putting her in a headlock and attempting to “play the bongos” while she thrashes around like a bluefish in a trolling net. Unless your one true wish happens to be a black eye and a restraining order, in which case, have at it, Slappy.