Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty might be Scientology’s latest victim — a “lover” has reportedly introduced him to the lunatic cult. Probably after a night of sharing spiced meats and making love to a frenzy of native drums beneath the beckoning cries of the great eagle spirit. According to London’s The Sun

Pete, 29 has bought a pile of books on the subject since meeting Scientologist DJ Nadine Ruddy. And he has been leaving his Wiltshire mansion to stay at her home in Reading at least once a week. A source said: “Nadine is really into Scientology. She takes her beliefs very seriously. Pete’s chatted a lot with her about it. He went out and bought some books to read up about it.”

You don’t need to read a pile of books to understand Scientology. Everything you ever need to know about the religion can be summed up in just one book: “Battlefield Earth.” L. Ron Hubbard’s magnum opus is like breathing life into the pencil sketches of alien beasts and scantily-clad otherworld females drawn on the inside of a seventh grade boy’s Trapper Keeper while he’s sitting out of gym class because of his asthma condition. It’s guaranteed vagina-repellent. I heard there was this one guy who read it and then woke up a virgin in his mother’s basement. True fuckin’ story. He spent most of his life building World of Warcraft characters to sell on eBay and later died of severely infected purple nerples.