Paris Hilton has finally dumped Benji Madden after nine long herpetic months together. Us Weekly quotes a source as saying

“Benji was overprotective and controlling. He doesn’t get along with any of her friends. Friends thought Paris had changed since being with Benji and she wants to be herself again.

Benji really respected her. They will be friends forever.”

He really “respected” her? Well, that’s your problem right there. Most guys usually just infected her. Those extra couple of letters really make all the difference in the world.

Paris at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show earlier this week:

Auditory diarrhea is not just something you can hear in the bathroom stall of your local Denny’s anymore, it’s something that you can experience in full digital, surround-sound glory! That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, you can now experience tympanic esctasy when you listen to Paris Hilton and Benji Madden’s upcoming duet! Not satisfied to just create the colonic blowout that was her first album, Paris Hilton is in plans to enter the studio with main squeeze Benji Madden. The Mirror reports,

The heiress has already been writing about her new album on her official blog, but now she’s confirmed that her other half is to make a cameo on it.

Talking to top Los Angeles-based showbiz website Hollyscoop, Paris said: “Well, actually I have a studio at the house. He [Benji] actually helped me write some of the songs for my new album, and for the BFF show (her new UK reality show for MTV). He’s a really amazing talent, songwriter and singer.”

On asked whether they would duet, Ms Hilton said: “Yes, definitely. When the show comes out.”

One thing is for certain, it’s sure to go down the anals annals of history as one of the best sycopated bowel movement of all time! Can’t you just smell the success?

Bigfoot and Benji out and about

Australian actress Sophie Monk helped herself to a big ol’ slice of Paris Hilton leftover pie by swapping her ex-boyfriend for Paris’. Sound confusing and riddled with genital blisters? Grab a spoon and dig in! Star Pulse says

[Sophie] split from rocker fiance Benji Madden at the beginning of 2008 and now she has been spotted out and about with his new girlfriend Paris Hilton’s ex, Alex Vaggo. Vaggo, a former pizza delivery boy, dated Hilton last year.

So, in short, each is banging the other’s ex. Marvelous. Well, you can’t undo the skank of Paris Hilton once you’ve been branded with it. Like a Aryan Nation tattoo or the term “registered sex offender,” it will serve to haunt you the rest of your days. Not to mention make volunteering as Den Mother or Black History Ambassador next to impossible.

Sophie necking with Kristin Cavallari outside the gym last week:

Paris on Germany’s small screen gem “Wetten, dass?” this weekend:

Don’t be fooled by these pictures of Paris Hilton smiling concernedly at South African school children. The world’s biggest attention whore isn’t on the Dark Continent as part of a philanthropic mission; she’s there because her douchebag boyfriend’s band is set to perform in Johannesburg over the weekend and the little bastards presented another chance to get her picture taken. The Daily Mail says

The 27-year-old spent part of her time on a trip to South Africa posing with children and signing autographs for young fans at Jakaranda Kinder Huis school in Pretoria. Wearing a demure white outfit, floppy hat and serious expression, Paris appeared to be trying to refashion herself as a jet-setting do-gooder. The Simple Life star was in South Africa to support boyfriend Benji Madden, whose band Good Charlotte are performing at the My Coke Fest over Easter.

Unfortunately, there aren’t any pictures of the throngs of bare-breasted Zulus that immediately swarmed out of the Yellow Fever vaccination tent to snatch up their children and scream “Do you not know where that crotch has been? Even the spirits of our ancestors cannot protect you against such skank! Go, now, and sacrifice a chicken to appease our forefathers!” I guess even a fatal bout of the yellow jack is still better than turning your children over to the Hilton Herp.

There’s a new penis in Paris Hilton’s life, and this one comes attached to her ex-BFF-turned-BFF-again boyfriend’s brother Benji Madden! But how will we know if this love’s for real, you ask? Easy. The ring she’s wearing says it all.

Or maybe it says nothing. Oooh! Page Six says

The celebutante showed up with the new bling for the launch of celebrity stylist Kim Vo’s Salon at The Mirage in Las Vegas. The event’s organizer, Ben Russo… asked the heiress what the BM ring meant, [and] Paris said: “It means what it means.”

Your first instinct is to assume she’s being cryptic about the new penis, but the fact is there’s a whole lot out there that can lay claim to the initials B.M, so I don’t want to go around putting words in the heiress’ mouth. Especially when her mouth is probably already full of wiener to begin with. So I’m just going to make a couple of educated guesses as to the meaning of her mystery ring and let you all decide.

10. Bowel movement. Obviously.

9. Butt munch. Look, I never said this list was sophisticated, asswipe.

8. Boston Massacre. It smells like American Revolution!

7. Ball masticator. Fancy talk for nut-sack gobbler. See #9.

6. Blind Mice, 3. See how they run!

5. Barry Manilow. Because he writes the songs.

4. Branson, Missouri. Come visit the Baldknobber’s Motor Inn!

3. Beaver maggots. We’re talking Paris Hilton here. Self-explanatory.

2. Bacterial Meningitis. Because she’s dirty, and not in a good way.

and the number one thing Paris’ BM ring might possibly stand for:

1. Braying moron. Because she is one.