Meet Britney! She’s one of the few who survived 2007, during which 78 manatees were killed by watercraft and hundreds more by water pollution and direct destruction of their natural habitats. But with the advent of Adopt-A-Manatee, you can do your part to help save Florida’s gentle giants. For only $25 you get:

• A photo of your manatee
• The manatee’s biography
• An adoption certificate
• A signed copy of “Toxic”
• Four newsletters throughout the year with updated reports on your adoptee

Britney needs our help. Let’s all do our part to save the docile sea cows of the Southeastern United States!

Mischa Barton is claiming that the man who photographed her sunbathing topless in Australia last weekend did a little retaliatory photoshopping in an attempt to make her look bad. Barton’s rep tells Rush and Molloy

“Those photos are doctored. They’ve given a 22-year-old woman the legs and bottom of an 80-year-old. There’s a lot you can do with Photoshopping. [Photographer Jamie Fawcett is determined] to make Mischa look bad because she called him out for taking the topless shots.”

Oh, come off it already, Mischa. The photos aren’t doctored and we all know it. Remember, nobody likes a crybaby. Crybabies get picked last for kickball and don’t go to prom and end up living with their mothers and developing glandular issues and hiding behind their computers making fun of people they don’t know in a feeble attempt to quell their own self-loathing. Frankly, that kind of existence is a little pathetic.

Kudos to the artist who managed to sculpt such a lifelike Mischa Barton entirely out of chewed bubble gum. It takes real talent to create with such a difficult medium! Not to mention jaws of steel and a mouth riddled with cavities. Most Mischa sculptors just stick with garbage bags full of loose change and relief maps of Scandinavia. “It’s just easier that way,” they’re quoted as saying.

Larger header images after the jump, and 22-year old Mischa covered up at the Costume Institute Gala last night:

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Famed southern writer Eudora Welty once wrote, “A good snapshot stops a moment from running away.” Except for in the case of Heather Locklear, where all it stops is your right hand from going anywhere near your penis.

Heather from a more flattering angle on the set of “Flirting With Forty:”

It’s a day ending in “y,” so by my calculations, it’s time for Sienna Miller to show us her snatch/tits again! And in case you missed her boobs the first time she pulled her bikini top down (photo left), then check out the tit-tastic view when she pulls her top up (photo right). And then down again (thumbnail 4)! And now back up again (thumbnail 2)! And then check out the view when she circles them with magic marker and puts flashing police lights on either side of them and has a little midget in a rhinestone jumpsuit scream “SIENNA MILLER TITTIES” out of a megaphone while blasting an airhorn and throwing confetti! I’m not one hundred percent sure here, but I think she might want us to check out her boobies. Of course, that’s just an educated guess. Don’t quote me on that.

You know the feeling you got when you you were forced to hug the middle-aged accounting partner of your father’s staggering around in a giant diaper and bonnet at 1986’s New Year’s Eve party? The feeling that compelled you to spend two hours in a scalding hot shower with a Bible and a Brillo pad in the fetal position? Well, relive your seven-year old nightmare all over again with these pictures of Pink in a polka-dot bikini and sun hat in Malibu over the weekend. It’s a disturbing melange of Anne Geddes and biker bar, Gerber and Jack Daniels, Huggies and Astroglide-primed anal fisting. I don’t know whether to find it a binky or light its cigar. It’s probably best to just throw rocks at it and wait until it stops moving before you get any closer.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The ass crack above belongs to Todd Morse of Juliette Lewis’ rock band non-fame and is clearly not a threat to Pink’s masculinity or melatonin production.

The Daily Mail has pictures of Mena Suvari frolicking in the surf in another cheek-baring bikini this week. It begs the question “Does an ass this marvelous have magical powers?” I’m sure her bottom could grant wishes and maybe cure cancer if you just knew how to harness its power. For the record, burying your face in the crack and motorboating like you’re demon-possessed does not unlock its supernatural potential. Nor does getting a good running start with your spanking hand outstretched or putting her in a headlock and attempting to “play the bongos” while she thrashes around like a bluefish in a trolling net. Unless your one true wish happens to be a black eye and a restraining order, in which case, have at it, Slappy.

You’d think it’d be damn near impossible for Mena Suvari to ruin a thong bikini. It’s a thong, and it’s a bikini, for Chrissakes. A win-win. But then your eye gets pulled unwittingly upwards, and your brain forces your eyes to strain until you make out the words “Word… Sound… Power” tattooed there on her upper back. And before you can pull your gaze back where it belongs, you realize the insufferable “Word Sound Power” is actually tattooed beneath another tattoo… and this one is a portrait of a fucking lion. Mother of God. And then she turns around and she’s got either a fancy number three or some kind of larva transitioning into the pupa stage right there on her xiphoid process and you start hyperventilating until your mom brings you your inhaler and makes you zip up your pants. Oh, don’t think I don’t know what you do in your spare time, loser! Just like God and the Bush administration, I see everything!

Recognize the chick on all fours tonguing the magazine laying on the ground? I didn’t think you would. The above photo is one of many less-than-demure shots of George Clooney’s girlfriend Sarah Larson, a “model” from Vegas, taken a month after they were first introduced. Star Magazine says

“She’s been described as having a successful runway and print modeling career. But until recently, her “modeling career” consisted mostly of being paid by promoters… to attend special events in sexy outfits and party with her wild girlfriends! Sarah… loves to drink. She likes to get wasted when she goes out.”

And therein lies the rub, ladies. Despite a man’s willingness to drop $29.95 and two hours on a Saturday watching footage of young coeds exposing their breasts and soaping each other up in front of an audience of intoxicated post-pubescent males, the response is decidedly less positive when said footage includes you. Especially if he is unaware said footage existed beforehand. Doubly especially if said footage may or may not have been filmed while he was holed up in your honeymoon suite with a case of the shits while you “went for a nature tour to Chichen Itza.” Trust me, “I was in college” and “Me no hablo ingles” will only work so many times before they start demanding paternity tests again.

More NSFW pictures here.

Don’t be afraid, dear readers — that babushka in the big glasses doesn’t want to make a hearty stew of your children. That’s because the crone pictured above is none other than actress Kate Hudson on vacation in Miami. Now, I know what you’re thinking: how do I know that’s not really a Yugoslavian fishwife disguised as Kate Hudson? It sure looks like a Yugoslavian fishwife. The trick here is the ass. If the ass looks like it belongs under a rainbow nestled on a cushion of rose petals surrounded by doe-eyed forest creatures, it’s Kate Hudson. If it looks like sourdough starter that’s been pounded with a meat tenderizer and stretched a good city block, then it’s an Eastern Bloc ogress. Feel free to write this down to keep in your wallet for reference in emergencies.

More ass-tastic Kate yesterday:

Tara Reid took a major spill the night and jacked up her elbow the night before her big Bali photoshoot for an Australian clothing company. Yes, you read that right. Someone actually elected Tara Reid to be the face of their product. I guess it’s hard to put “gonorrhea” and “shame” in a string bikini, what with their lack of physical form and all. Gatecrasher says

The actress was allegedly treated at a local hospital for cuts and bruises suffered during a night out on the party island of Bali. Reid arrived there Friday night from Australia, planning to shoot ads for an Aussie sleepwear range. But X17 reported that she “fell accidentally while out late at night partying” and was treated before returning to her hotel to recover.

With Tara Reid, that’s just par for the course. I’m pretty sure that “getting fall-down piss-your-pants drunk” is actually listed under “skills” on her resume, right after “blow jobs,” “butt sex,” “liver failure,” and “nipples.”

Tara doing the bikini photoshoot in Bali yesterday:

I’m assuming this is how Britney Spears warms up before attempting to eat an entire Christmas ham. A little “raise the roof,” a few pelvic thrusts, then a lot of sitting down and sweating. Ten bucks says there wasn’t even any goddamn music playing. Just some farting and the occasional, “Uh, yeeeah… It’s Britney, bitch!”