The above footage of a coked-out-of-his-gourd “Jackass” star Steve-O twittering and twitching like Beavis with Tourette’s made its way online Friday, shortly after it was reported that he had been hospitalized after threatening to take his own life. In the five and a half minute rant, Steve-O compulsively scratches his head and spits while delving into the dissension in the Middle East and a little non-Euclidean space-time theory. Good stuff. All he needs is a diaper and a good “The End is Near” beard and he could be that guy that sleeps under my Nana’s stoop and eats garbage and the occasional dead pigeon. Of course, the real diaper man has too much dignity to cover his back with an enormous tattoo portrait of himself giving the thumbs up. Not so much dignity that he won’t take a dump on a bus stop bench in the middle of the afternoon, but still. We’re not even talking the same league here.

After screaming belligerently at the staff for hours on end, Britney Spears removed her own IV, packed up her crazy and checked herself out of Cedars-Sinai around 9:15 Saturday morning. And what’s even better than Lithium for treating Brit’s bipolar disorder? Why, booze, sillies! Four out of five doctors¹ recommend it! People magazine reports

The pop star, accompanied by Finalpixx photographer Adnan Ghalib since a few hours after her release, popped into the Daily Grill in Palm Desert around 10 a.m. Sunday. Spears shielded herself behind large, dark sunglasses and “had a champagne mimosa to drink,” says the restaurant’s manager. “She seemed in a really good mood, laughing with the guy she was with.”

She stayed at the restaurant about an hour.

Britney Spears is one shrubbery fort and a pair of incisors away from becoming this decade’s Margot Kidder. Minus the savoir-faire and quiet dignity, of course. But that’s where the booze comes into play. Nothing classes up a dame like a case of Natty Light or a nice handle of Kentucky Bourbon. That’s why they call it “Finishing School in a Bottle.” Or maybe that was “finish school and get off the goddamn bottle you insufferable disappointment.” It was sometimes hard to understand what my dad was saying over the sound of my own vomit.

¹_{Dr. Dre, Dr. No, Dr. Feelgood, and the Groove Doctors, respectively}

More of Britney in the ambulance Thursday night: