French magazine Closer is reporting that Angelina Jolie gave birth to the twins this morning, saying:

En exclusivité mondiale, Closer est en mesure de vous annoncer qu’Angelina Jolie aurait accouché ce matin dans un hôpital français ! La star serait rentrée hier soir en salle de travail. Toute reproduction interdite sans la mention du site closermag.fr

You probably realized that was all in French, but being devoted editor I am, I took the liberty of translating it for you. It reads:

I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper Americans. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Of course, that’s not word-for-word. Some French words don’t translate into the English language as well as others.

UPDATE: People Magazine is reporting that Angelina did in fact check into the hospital yesterday, but as of Wednesday morning, still has not given birth.

Angelina recording Kung Fu Panda:

Jamie Lynn Spears is reportedly undergoing a C-section today due to pregnancy complications. The National Enquirer says

The 17 year-old’s ultrasound last week [indicated] her baby may be in breech position. Britney and her father Jamie left Los Angeles Wednesday morning on a commercial flight to join Jamie Lynn. The baby is a girl.

Jamie Lynn’s grandmother was surprised to discover the baby was breech. “But she done did ev’rything right!” her grandmother was quoted as saying. “She din’t wear no high heels so’uns the baby won’t be borned crosseyed. She din’t never look at a snake an’ always carried a acorn in her pockit for good luck. It just don’t make no sense!” She then told me Jamie Lynn could cure warts by buying them for a dollar and that I shouldn’t go barefoot without my longhandles before May 10.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Every last one of those is a real mountian superstition. Viva Appalachia!

UPDATE: Us Weekly is reporting that Jamie Lynn gave birth this morning to a baby girl name Maddie.

At Wal-Mart May 30th:

Jessica Alba finally cranked out her brown baby yesterday. Us Weekly says

Jessica Alba and her husband Cash Warren have welcomed a baby girl, [Honor Marie Warren]. She was born this weekend at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.

Eh, who cares. In way more interesting news, Disney’s “High School Musical” star Ashely Tisdale does NOT have the HIV virus. According to Nine MSN

[The] rumor that Ashley Tisdale tested positive to HIV is “completely untrue” says her rep.

Last week a number of online blogs reported that the 22-year-old High School Musical star contracted the virus during a rhinoplasty procedure in 2007… and [now suffers] from AIDS.

Good thing, because it’s pretty hard to make a joke about AIDS. Same goes for jokes about childhood cancers and burn victims. Luckily, making buck teeth and pulling back your eyelids while saying “Me so sowwy! Me likey flied lice!” is always a hit. Even better if you’re wearing a zany tie or a plastic flower that squirts water. Really, burn victims can’t get enough of that shit. Anything with water really seems to crank their tractors.

Very pregnant Alba at the Celebration of Mentoring May 20th:

Reports are coming out of France that Angelina Jolie has already given birth to the twins. OK! Magazine reports

Entertainment Tonight claims to have confirmed reports of the birth of the Jolie-Pitt twins with a source close to the quickly expanding family. According to the rumors, the Oscar-winner gave birth on Sunday in a Catholic clinic in the Aix-En-Provence region of France.

Of course, these rumors are coming out of France, and France has been known to be wrong before. Like when they started Viet Nam War and invented pantalettes, for example.

Pregnant Angie in Cannes earlier this month:

It seems you can’t turn around these days without being slapped in the face with a celebrity placenta. Babies are 2008’s Birkin bag. And this weekend was no exception, with Us Weekly reporting that actress Halle Berry gave birth to a baby girl on Sunday. When asked for how she felt, Halle said, “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I’m sorry. This moment is so much bigger than me. This moment is for every nameless, faceless woman of color that now has a chance because this door tonight has been opened. I’m so honored to be the vessel for which His blessing might flow.” And then the collective world rolled its eyes and sighed and yelled “You just got yo’ ass knocked up by a white boy, ya big dummy!” In my experience, the collective world sounds a lot like Fred Sanford.

UPDATE: People magazine reports that Halle and Gabriel have named the baby Nahla Ariela Aubry. So “Lion King” plus “Little Mermaid” minus Mommy’s last name. Also, “Ariela” and “areola” are practically the same word. Just saying.

Halle in Santa Monica on Friday:

Jennifer Lopez finally revealed the names of her twins to People Magazine on Friday — they’re calling them Max and Emme. Sound familiar? Max and Emme are also the names of the little Latino brother and sister on PBS’ Dragon Tales. How original. Other names the Lopez-Anthonys considered before ripping off PBS Kids:

10. Clifford and Emily Elizabeth

9. Bert and Ernie

8. Anthony and Jeff

7. Barney and Baby Bop

6. Scoop and Roley

5. Thomas and Claribel

4. King Friday and Mr. McFeely

3. Dora and Boots

2. Christopher Robin and Piglet

and the number one kids show character rip-off considered by the Lopez-Anthonys:

1. Tinky Winky and Po

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are hosting a $200,000 ‘Welcome to the World’ (their words, not mine) party to celebrate the birth of Jennifer Lopez’s and Marc Anthony’s twins. According to Female First

A source said: “Tom and Katie are thrilled for Jennifer and Marc and have offered to throw a Welcome to the World bash for the twins next month.” The party at Tom and Katie’s Los Angeles home will have a pink and blue theme and guests expected to attend include John Travolta, Eva Longoria Parker and David and Victoria Beckham.

With a price tag of 200 grand, you can expect plenty of super-fun Scientology party games like “Pin the Repressed Memory on the E-Meter,” “How Many Invisible Thetans in This Jar?” and my personal favorite, “Silent Music-less Chairs.” It’s sure to be a very un-glib time for everyone involved!

Jennifer “Chins” Lopez finally gave birth this morning to twins — a boy and a girl. According to People Magazine

The babies were born early Friday in Long Island, N.Y. The girl was born at 12:12 a.m. and weighed 5 lbs. 7 oz., and the boy followed at 12:23 a.m., weighing 6 lbs. “Jennifer and Marc are delighted, thrilled and over the moon,” [says] Lopez’s manager.

I bet the nurses promptly doused the twins with tabasco and rolled them in peppercorn so Marc Anthony wouldn’t gobble them down the first chance he got. Trolls don’t care for the muy picante. That’s why you’ll never find any trolls eating Indian people. In fact, the only thing a troll hates more than a spicy baby is a baby covered in Marshmallow Peeps and coconut, which is why Easter is actually one of the most troll-free holidays around. It also explains why you never see Kirsten Dunst swinging an basket full of brightly colored eggs and candy anywhere she goes. You can’t argue with the facts, man.

Look out, Heidi Fleiss — there’s a new pimp in town, and her name’s Jennifer Lopez! Our Jenny from the Block has reportedly scheduled her c-section around the weekly tabloids’ deadlines, ensuring she and her new babies land the front covers of all the gossip mags. Pimp hard, pimp harder! MSNBC reports

J.Lo will be receiving two special valentines: namely, her twin babies, who are [scheduled for delivery] on Thursday, Feb. 14. A source close to Lopez said Valentine’s Day is the date she’s been focused on since the beginning of her pregnancy. “She didn’t just like it because of the obvious correlation, which is sweet, but [because] it … would easily make the deadline for the weekly magazine covers.”

The source said that Lopez [wants] to have the first photo shoot in one of the three nurseries she’s had designed by Petit Tresor. “She spent over $120,000 on them,” said the source. All of them include cribs, changing tables and armoires imported from France and England, “some [with] 18 karat gold on the legs and knobs. The rooms will even have crystal chandeliers.”

The good thing about twins is there’s two of them, which means twice as many locks of hair and placentas and fingernail clippings to sell on eBay. But don’t think the pimpin’ stops after the birth. Oh, no. By the time they’re teenagers, J. Lo’s going to be drawing track marks on her son’s arms with an eyeliner pencil and stuffing a pillow up her daughter’s shirt and then pimping them out to highest bidder. “No, no, no — you gotta look pregnant! Now Marc, Jr., wait for the photographers to show and then put that cigarette out on your arm. Can you make yourself throw up? Dammit, hijitos, the tabloids don’t pay for pictures of straight-A students! You got to give ‘em some scandal! Did you remember to take off your panties, Princesa? Now go on, git! And make mama proud!” I’d say they’ve got a good twenty or so years before they’re of no use to mommy’s bank account.

Pimpa Licious at the Marchesa show on Wednesday:

Lots of celebrities gave birth over the weekend, including actress Courtney Thorne-Smith and “In Living Color’s” David Allen Grier’s wife. Who and who? Exactly. Now, for the Hollywood pregnancies you were actually aware of:

First up — Nicole Richie. People magazine says

Nicole Richie and her rocker boyfriend Joel Madden are the parents of a daughter. Harlow Winter Kate Madden was born Friday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center and weighed 6 lbs. 7 oz.

Christina Aguilera also pooped¹ one out over the weekend. People magazine says

Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman welcomed a baby boy on Saturday at 10:05 p.m. Max Liron Bratman [weighed] 6 lbs., 2 oz. and 20.5 inches [and] arrived late on Saturday night in L.A.

I’d bet that Max is gonna grow up to be a real looker, what with Dad’s imaginary chin and Mommy’s spackle-and-pancake complexion. He’d probably have just as much luck in the gene department with Amanda Lepore and Wimpy from Popeye for parents. On the plus side, ought to have a built-in role as a young Boy George in E!’s made for TV movie “Karma Chameleon:The Many Colors of George Alan O’Dowd.”

¹_{Not a typo. Have you seen the birthing process? Yikes.}

Christina and husband five days before the birth: