Jessica Simpson and boyfriend Tony Romo celebrated his birthday over the weekend at Suite nightclub in Dallas, where Jessica serenaded him with a quivery-lipped version of “Happy Birthday” before fisting his Cowboys-themed birthday cake and spackling his face with it. I’m guessing she just forgot “which one on the face the eatin’ hole was.” According to People Magazine

“She licked cake from his face as everyone cheered them on. It was quite a spectacle… Jessica had blue icing all over her hands and mouth and Tony was laughing.”

The neat thing about blue cake is that it makes blue vomit. And there’s nothing funnier than blue vomit. Unless it’s a midget in a top hat being fired from a cannon, but that almost never happens in the mainland U.S. anymore. Fortunately, that’s why God made Singapore.

A visibly pregnant Jamie Lynn Spears celebrated the big one-seven with fiancé Casey Aldridge in Mississippi this weekend. People Magazine says

Spears, who is pregnant with Aldridge’s child, took in a quiet dinner with Aldridge at [a Liberty, Mississippi Ruby Tuesday's]. They then went to Wal-Mart, where Spears looked at sleeping bags.

Pregnant teen with G.E.D. at a discount department store — that’s practically every cliché in the book! I’m waiting for Jeff Foxworthy to add “… then you might be a redneck” and Gretchen Wilson to chime in with a “Hell yeah.” I hope Jamie wanted a lifetime of anniversary cartons of cigarettes and Christmases filled with Craftsman Truck Series race tickets, because that’s damn sure what she’s getting.

If you have a birthday coming up, I have the perfect thing to make your soiree a success: a cake made in your own conceited likeness! Like the vanilla rum flavored portrait made for Eva Longoria’s 33rd birthday. Star Magazine says

A baker and an artist [from Edda's Cake Designs] worked on the cake for three hours using a photo supplied by Eva’s camp as inspiration.

You know, it might have been a little simpler for Eva to rent a booth with one of those plywood cut-out holes they used to have at old-timey fairs. Then she could just stick her ass through the hole and let all the guests line up and take turns kissing it. Of course, there’d have to be a mirror inside the booth, too, so she’d never have to take her eyes off herself during the gratuitous ass-kissing. Hmmm… maybe it’s a little more complicated than I realized. Well, you can’t go wrong with good old-fashioned kick in the puss and a “I hope you die in a fire, you stupid cooze!” bellowed out of a megaphone. I know it definitely made my grandmother’s 80th birthday an affair to remember.

Paris Hilton put on her best Village People-themed leatherwear for a birthday performance with the Pussycat Dolls in Vegas over the weekend. Birthday party number three for the heiress included such hits as “Paris ripping off (NSFW) Dita von Teese” and “More wonky eye than you could shake a dick at.” If you weren’t lucky enough to be in the crowd at Pure Sunday night, just imagine you gave a Clydesdale a barium enema, put him in two-inch stilettos and a leather hat and instructed him to dance without emptying his bowels all over the floor. It’s almost like you were right there in the front row!

More sphincter-clenching hotness:

It’s Sienna Miller’s birthday today, and boyfriend Rhys Ifans knows nothing says “happy birthday” like an original Welsh love poem followed by a scavenger hunt. Chappy there really moistens the old panties, doesn’t he? Female First says

Actor Ifans has written a welsh language love poem, which Sienna has been learning, and there are even hints of that Sienna who turns 26 today will get a gift to beat all - an engagement ring. A friend of Rhys [said] that “He’s collected ten presents for Sienna of varying shapes, sizes and prices, all part of his plan for a romantic night in with a mountain of presents. He is keeping tight-lipped on a proposal but hinted to me that he has had a Welsh designer craft a special ring for her…which can only mean one thing.”

This sounds like a birthday surprise dreamed up by Eladrin the gnome loremaster. Throw in some Faerun-specific sub-races and a little headgear and it’s practically seventh grade all over again. The only difference is the part where he has sex with Sienna Miller.

Sienna in London last week: