Jessica Simpson’s fans turned out in droves for the limited theater release of her latest film “Blonde Ambition.” “Droves,” of course, from the Latin meaning “less than 200.” Page Six reports

Her latest, “Blonde Ambition,” a romantic comedy with fellow Texan Luke Wilson, was headed straight to DVD release when the bosses at Nu Image and Millennium Films decided to give it a limited Christmas run. Bad mistake: The turkey took in just $1,322 on its opening weekend in eight Texas theaters. Jessica’s next picture, “Major Movie Star,” with Vivica A. Fox and Steve Guttenberg, is also heading straight to DVD.

$1,332, eh? Let’s break down exactly how many people took in this flick with a little something I like to call “math.” Given the average matinee price for a movie ticket is $6, which we will call “y,” as in y would anyone waste a perfectly good afternoon watching “Blonde Ambition”; an average adult non-matinee ticket is $9 (hereon referred to as “x”); and student and military non-matinee discounts average out to $8 a ticket (hereon referred to as “z”). We’re left with the following equation:

By my calculations, where y = (9x + 8z)/6; x = (6y+8z)/9; and z = (6y + 9x)/8; carry the one and foil method to the second power function of x, you get the following answer:

For a grand total of:

Which in laymen’s terms means:

You can’t argue with math, baby! That’s why I sign all cell phone contracts with a logarithm instead of my name. Cingular¹ can suck it!

The happy family at The Pancake House last week:

¹_{Unless Cingular wishes to advertise on this site, in which case I redact my statement immediately.}

It’s confirmed — Jessica Simpson’s new movie “Blonde Ambition” is going straight to DVD.¹ Us Weekly reports

Jessica Simpson’s latest attempt at big screen success won’t even make it to the big screen. A January 22 release date has been confirmed for the romantic comedy costarring Luke Wilson. “The movie is absolutely horrible,” a source told Us in August. “It’s just a bomb, mainly because of Jessica’s acting.”

A better title for the movie would have probably been “Blonde Contrition.” And it should have really been less of a movie and more of “hours of uncensored footage of a man getting raped by a donkey.” That way it’d be illegal for distribution in 24 of the 50 states and Luke Wilson could maybe see about getting a little of his dignity back.

¹_{Down the crapper}

Movie stills: