After four years together, actress Anne Hathaway finally dumped her swindling check-bouncing boyfriend Raffaello Follieri. The The Daily Mail offers this insight into the split:

Hathaway made the painful decision because of the effects his controversial business dealings could have on her career.

His charity Follieri Foundation, which funded vaccination programs in developing countries, was being investigated by the New York State Attorney General’s Office [for fraud]. Follieri was [also] sued by a former business associate for bouncing a $215,000 check [last year].

The real test is going to be her ability to remain immune to his attempts to win her back. That first (collect) call from prison; the bouquets of yellow roses (bought with a credit card opened in her name); the diamond necklace (purchased with the insurance money from those “debilitating injuries” he suffered in that “car crash” last summer). A girl’d practically have to be an impenetrable fortress to deny those kind of romantic gestures. Or at least not legally blind and functionally retarded.

Promo stills for Get Smart:

Sienna Miller broke up with fiancé Rhys Ifans last weekend over her insatiable need for penis his jealousy issues. A source told The Sun:

“Things have been awkward for a while after she caught Rhys going through her text messages for ‘incriminating evidence’. He has been giving her a hard time lately, questioning her commitment to him. She compared him to a spotlight shining in her face all the time. She couldn’t… cope with his jealousy.

He is heartbroken they have split.”

Nothing could be as heartbreaking as that damn hairstyle of his. It’s like Rod Stewart and Quasimodo made a hair baby. Seriously, where do you even get that cut? Other than a bell tower in Notre Dame? I’m guessing you tell your stylist, “Think Jeff Daniels in ‘Dumb and Dumber.’ No, no — more disheveled! Try these pinking shears!” before just using a lighter to burn the ends off yourself.

Sienna as The Baroness on the set of G.I. Joe:

Pull out your push-ups, ladies — George Clooney is single again! People Magazine reports

George Clooney and his girlfriend Sarah Larson have split up after a year of dating. Though there was speculation that Clooney would end his longtime bachelorhood, in March the actor shot down rumors of an engagement.

Well, it’s like they say — “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” Especially when there’s a whole dairy farm full of nubile young cows with big fake udders who’ll let you tag team with your best buddy anytime you want. That doesn’t fly in all fifty states, of course, but you’re cool if you stick with Arkansas and West Virginia. That’s why they call those states “The Velvet Underground,” if you know what I mean. Wink, wink.

Check out George’s new fake teeth after the jump

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Kate Hudson has dumped Owen Wilson for seven-times Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong. Kate flew to Lance’s Texas home on Friday for weekend filled with romance and absolutely no suicide watches. The Daily Mail says

“When Kate was with Owen, she got to know Lance really well but they hooked up again recently at a dinner party thrown by a mutual friend and that’s when the romance began. They have both been keeping it very quiet. Kate and Lance have been dating for a couple of weeks. She and Lance are both physical, passionate people – she’s never been happier.”

Well, if you’re going to start dating Lance Armstrong, you need to steer clear of several trigger phrases that are well-known to upset him. I can’t stress this enough. I keep a handy list in my pocket at all times, just in case I come back as a bicycle or a desperate slut in my next life. I present to you

10. The expression “you’re really on the ball today!” Try “you’re exceedingly capable” or “good job” instead.

9. Patrick Ball, legend of Celtic harp and spoken word. Enough said.

8. “The ball’s in your court.” Um, no it’s not, you insensitive jerk.

7. “The ol’ ball and chain.” Is that some kind of “Lance Armstrong on a bicycle” joke? Shame on you, sir. Shame on you.

6. “Ball pythons.” Just trust me on this one.

5. “Ball State University.” The Mid-American Conference upsets most people, actually.

4. “Break your balls.” Oh, aren’t they broken enough for you?

3. “Ballindalloch Castle.” Frankly, it was never the same after the first Marquess of Montrose burned it to the ground.

2. “Ball Park Franks.” They plump when you cook ‘em.

1. “Testing for Erythropoietin Stimulating Agents.” Also the “Union Cycliste Internationale” and the “World Anti-Doping Agency.” Those guys are a bunch of serious hard-ons.

Kate at the “Fool’s Gold” premiere last month with Matthew McConaughey:

Just two months after having rekindled their relationship, Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have broken up. Insiders credit the split to Kate’s not being down with Owen having threesomes with Vince Vaughn, while Vince Vaughn credits the split to Kate being such a “ball and fucking chain, bro.” According to People Magazine

Wilson [had] been spotted letting loose… on May 11, [when he] dropped by N.Y.C.’s Upstairs with two women. The late-night outing was followed by a visit to Butter the next night, where he chatted up a sexy blonde.

Says a Hudson source: “She feels dumb thinking it was so serious.”

Well, nothing says “seriously repentant” like another suicide attempt. It worked before, right? This time he should go with a little more gusto, like deep throating a shotgun. Something that will leave a disfiguring scar, so that every time she opens her mouth to bitch about those harmless little orgies, she’ll be staring down a grotesque visual reminder of how much he really loves her. Sorta like Van Gogh, only with way less balls and Kolmogorovian turbulence.

Most beautiful in last month’s People:

Jessica Simpson is handling the news of ex-boyfriend John Mayer’s new relationship with Jennifer Aniston the way most of the dumped do — drinking herself retarded and calling for mom. According to Us Weekly

The 27-year-old singer was so out of it after a four-hour session of drinking at L.A.’s Mexicali Cocina Cantina… that she was reduced to leaving her Range Rover in the parking lot and calling her mom Tina for a ride home (for good measure, [best friend] CaCee Cobb threw up under the table).

She’s on the right track with boozing and everything, but if she really wants to punish him good, the trick is to also fuck a lot of random dudes. Really, the more dudes the better. Two at once, if you can. His best friend. His boss. That guy he plays ball with on the weekends. Then get a registered firearm and threaten to kill yourself after shooting out his front tires at two in the morning. Believe me, if there’s one thing guys like, it’s drama. I’ve been married three times, so I should know.

According to Chicago gossip blog These Boots Are Made for Stalking, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has finally kicked Jessica Simpson to the curb. Star Magazine reports

“They’re broken up,” Tony’s pal told the blog. “He told us they broke up and that was that. We’re guys so we didn’t talk about it much.” Tony made the most of his boys’ weekend — spending hours at Uncle Fatty’s Rum Resort “drinking Grey Goose and Diet Cokes… surrounded by girls. He zeroed in on one blonde all night. That blonde wasn’t Jessica Simpson.”

The blog didn’t mention if he plans on using that throwing arm of his for anything more than moving faggy drinks toward his mouth and jerking off, but I’d say all signs still point to yes. So no worries, Cowboys fans! Everything’s still on track!

Minus Romo this weekend at a Mexican restaurant:

Fellow woman scorned Sheryl Crow is speaking out on the demise of Jennifer Aniston’s marriage to Brad Pitt, insisting it was Jen who dumped Brad in back 2005 and not the other way around. Crow claims she and Aniston became BFF after she ditched cyclist Lance Armstrong and Jen sent Brad packing. Contact Music quotes her as saying

“The perceived idea is that… we both got dumped. Believe me, this is not true. Neither one of us has ever gotten dumped. Once Jen saw the writing on the wall, she dumped Brad. She took a cold, hard look at her marriage and [realized]… she and Brad had vastly different personal agendas and feelings about love, career and having a family.”

The biggest personal difference of course being Brad’s “porking Angelina Jolie” agenda. It just didn’t meld with Jen’s staunch “not being Angelina Jolie” agenda. I think that’s what’s meant by the legal term “irreconcilable differences.”

Not Angelina and Owen Wilson in Miami filming “Marley and Me” yesterday:

The whirlwind romance between professional punchline Britney Spears and paparazzo Adnan Ghalib has reportedly come to an end after Brit discovered sexy texts from another woman on his cell phone. The Daily Mail says

The fallen popstar allegedly flew into a rage, throwing the photographer’s iPhone into her pool after discovering the suggestive messages. An insider [said]: “There were about a dozen (texts) from one girl, all sent in one day. They were pretty saucy stuff with sexual references - certainly not the sort you’d send to a friend. Britney lost it and started yelling. She was demanding to know who sent the texts and shouting, ‘What’s this about? You’re cheating on me.’ Adnan said she was just a friend but Britney got more and more angry. Then she told him, ‘That’s it. It’s over.’”

Additionally, The Sun scored a photograph of the handwritten note Adnan sent to Britney post-fight. It reads:

Bebe, I really miss you lots and lots and lots. Can’t wait till you come home for a milky bowl of soup. Love you always, Adnan

Boy, that Adnan is regular Suckling. Milky soup? Milky soup? There are about five different bodily secretions I can think of that fit that description, and none of them appetizing enough to merit a goddamn bowl. A soupçon or a smattering, maybe, but not a bowl. Unless “milky soup” is code for “cartons of cigarettes and high-calorie coffee drinks,” I don’t see how Adnan’s going to win his way back into her pocketbook with that sort of drivel.

Britney at the Millennium Dance Studio on Friday:

Star quarterback Tony Romo has finally comes to his senses and wants out of his relationship with Jessica Simpson and her creepy dad. OK! magazine says

On Jan. 17, Tony called Jessica at her L.A. home to try to break things off. “He said he thought it was better if they went back to being friends,” a pal of the singer tells OK!. “‘Tony has finally started to realize how high-maintenance Jessica is. We’re talking diva status. She comes with an entourage, and that includes her dad, Joe Simpson.”

But according to the pal, Jessica refused to give up. “‘Just friends’ is not in Jessica’s vocabulary. She knows how bad this will look in the media.”

Nothing warms a man’s a heart like desperation. In fact, when it comes to relationships, ladies, your ticket to lifelong happiness with a man centers almost exclusively around the ability to cling with a leech-like tenacity. Of course, if that isn’t working, you could always try anal. It has an almost 74% retention rate, even higher when coupled with a willingness to participate in threesomes and home videos. Signing over your paychecks and the title to your car works great, too. Then you can pull out the big guns and get yourself knocked up and start planning your wedding. It’s as good as an engagement ring, and he doesn’t even have to borrow your credit card to buy it!

Jessica in West Hollywood last week:

Grab a hold of your belts, boys — British girl Britney is back on the market! She told photographers from a rival agency Sunday night that she dumped Adnan Ghalib and filed a restraining order against him, even going as far to say she’s never heard of him in the clip above. In a British accent, of course. The Daily Mail reports

Britney shared news of the alleged restraining order with two paparazzi from X17 whom she invited into her home at 2am on Sunday. Sam Lutfi told the assembled group that he and Britney had filed a request for a restraining order against Ghalib because they want him “out of her life.”

One of the X17 photographers [said]: “Britney asked us to leave the cameras in the car, and she poured some champagne for us. Sam was telling us to not worry about Adnan because they have filed a restraining order against him. We had fun. Britney was funny, very relaxed, dancing a little bit, and she carried her little dog all the time.”

You try talking in a British accent the next time you want out of something and see how far it gets you. I clipped a pedestrian with my car over the weekend after a few drinks and tried telling the cops, “Blimey! This squidgy bugger stepped off right in front of me — seemed a bit potty if you don’t mind my saying so — everything went all sixes and sevens, I skived to my right, and sod’s law, Bob’s your uncle!” before one of them let me have it with the pepper spray. Apparently, the accent only works if you’re famous.