Katie Holmes’ debut role in the revival of Arthur Miller’s “All My Sons” has yet to generate any public interest. And by “public interest,” I of course mean “actual money.” NY Post says

Ticket brokers and group sales agents, who… thought Holmes would be this season’s Julia Roberts (who sold out “Three Days of Rain” in one day) say interest in the Holmes show is nil.

Backstage, the buzz is that the cast has been forced to sign confidentiality agreements. The Scientology minders in charge of Holmes apparently don’t want any press they can’t control.

Tom Cruise might promise you a pot of Hollywood gold, but instead of glittering Academy Awards at the end of the rainbow, you get a tubful of Scientology minders and list of approved shitty film roles. It’s a classic leprechaun trick. And everybody knows the best way to capture a leprechaun is to sneak up on him when he’s working on his shoes. Leprechauns are born cobblers, see. You can’t take your eyes off of him, not even for a second, because some leprechauns can vanish right before your eyes, and I’d peg Tommy boy as one of those types. Of course, that’s where the four-leaf clovers come into play. Four-leaf clovers are like leprechaun kryptonite. It’s simple science, really. All Katie needs now is a couple of four-leaf clovers and .38.¹ I think that’s the technical term for “the luck of the Irish.”

¹_{Don’t try sending them to her in the mail, though. It seems the the Gun Control Act of ‘68 put the kibosh on that.}

Katie at the Broad Contemporary Art Museum Opening back in February:

Those rumors that Katie Holmes is planning to star on Broadway sometime this fall were confirmed yesterday. OK! Magazine reports

A rep for the Broadway revival of the classic Arthur Miller play All My Sons confirmed that actress Katie Holmes is going to [assume] the part of Ann Deever in the Tony-winning drama. The Dawson’s Creek star will be joining fellow cast members John Lithgow, Patrick Wilson and Oscar-winner Dianne Wiest in the production.

Because of there’s one thing having starred in “Dawson’s Creek” brings to the table, it’s real depth of character. Other than being a veteran of “Mad Money” or “Superbabies 2: Baby Geniuses,” I’d say it’s probably the gold standard for Broadway casting.

Katie in “Flaunt” before the dark times:

The brain-washing seems to have begun to wear off, because rumor has that Katie Holmes is planning her escape from husband Tom Cruise with a move to Manhattan for a role on Broadway. A source tells Star

“She desperately needs to be on her own for a while, but there’s no way Tom is going to let her take Suri away. There’s no way he’ll allow it. He just doesn’t want Katie — or Suri — out of his sight for long. He told her that if she goes to New York, fine, but he goes with her. Tom wants to call all the shots when it comes to Suri. He has a lot of rules, and there’s conflict.”

Katie’s best bet is to turn all the soup cans in the pantry with the labels facing different directions and mess up the bath towels on the rack, then run like hell while he’s busy rearranging. I saw a movie once where that worked like a charm. Or something like that.

Head down, short hair: