Actress Brittany Murphy’s incessant demands are starting to become a problem on the set of her new movie “Across the Hall.” According to Page Six

Murphy has been making outrageous demands while acting “like a diva,” said one insider. “She’s extremely difficult. She’s so hot and cold, you never know.” Murphy insists on having diagonally cut peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with the crusts removed… “every hour. It’s painstaking - her assistant takes about a half an hour making each one.”

I also knew a guy who regularly demanded his sandwiches be cut at 45 degree angles with the crusts removed. A real tyrant, that guy. He also insisted we only watch The Wiggles during prime time and would scream like a banshee if you tried to check the scores between “Farmer Brown” and “Romp Bomp A Stomp.” Needless to say, we sold him to to a band of wandering gypsies for donkey and a bag of magical beans. Not that you could get that much for Brittany Murphy. Maybe if you threw in the donkey.

Brittany as Stevie Nicks leaving the Max Azria after party Feb 4th:

A “scantily clad” Britney Spears parked outside a Beverly Hills elementary school last week — chain-smoking and talking to herself — and told a fellow parent she was there to pick up her children. No, wait — somebody else’s children. Uh, her lawyer’s children. She then of course left with no children. It’s Britney, bitch! The parent told Us Weekly

“She was just rambling and confused. She said, ‘I’m here to pick up my kids.’ But then she changed her story and said, ‘They aren’t my kids; I have a new attorney, and I came to pick them up for her.’ All I could think was, Who in their right mind would let her pick up their kids? [Before she drove off without any children, she told me] ‘You’re so nice. You should give me your number. I don’t have very many friends.’”

You half-expect a passel of stray cats to come crawling out from the center consul and underneath the seats and while she’s talking to you. Maybe a couple peering out from the folds of her muumuu and two or three eyeballing you from the headrests. She’d call them all “my preciouses” and let them lick her teeth while she’s talking and her eyes would be all unfocused and she’d screech a lot at nothing and wring her hands and moan, like a real-life version of the crazy cat lady from the Simpsons. Only with saggier tits and a fake British accent.

In case you missed it in the quickies, Britney at Petco yesterday:

It seems the new British accent Britney Spears has been sporting belongs to “British Girl,” one of the many personalties setting up shop inside her mind. Cheerio! According to TMZ

Britney has multiple personalities, including, as people in her life call it, “the British girl.” We’re told when Spears loses the British personality, she absolutely no idea what she did during the time she assumed that personality. Brit has a number of other identities — “the weepy girl, the diva, the incoherent girl,” and on and on. Sources say Britney had become the British girl the day she didn’t show for her deposition and has no recollection of it.

Lucky for her, 200 photographers caught every damn second of what happened the day of the hearing, so maybe Weepy Girl can browse some of those photos online and watch just how British Girl wiped her ass with the rights to her children and then went out for a late lunch. Also, someone might want to tell Incoherent Girl that British Girl started her period (NSFW) last night, and the toilet paper wadded up inside her pantyhose isn’t quite doing the trick. Now, if I remember what happens at the end of “Sybil,” we just wait for Retarded Girl and Meth Rage Girl to get into fistfight after Drunk Girl mistakes a bottle of nitroglycerin for vodka and then let science do its stuff. It’s what writers call a “classic denouement,” from the French for “wear a poncho.”

Cousin It Girl dining with Adnan last night:

The Church of Scientology is going on the legal offensive after video of Tom Cruise ranting about saving the world through Scientology made its way online, claiming the footage was stolen from their website and threatening to sue anybody who posts it (see the letter they sent Gawker Media after the jump). I personally give it about two hours before they pull the above footage of him talking to and saluting L. Ron Hubbard’s portrait, because this new footage sure isn’t going to help Tommy in his attempts to resurrect what’s left of his career and marketability. The Daily Mail says

[Cruise] has had trouble sleeping and been tearful at times [because he] is entrenched in a crisis… spearheaded by this week’s leaked internet video, on top of the stress caused by the publication of a scandal-drenched biography and his continually misfiring career.

But it is perhaps even harder for him to live down the humiliation of being dumped from a producing deal with Paramount by media mogul Sumner Redstone - because women, including Redstone’s wife, Paula, found him creepy. “He turned off all women and a lot of men,” Redstone said. “Paula and women everywhere had come to hate him.”

If I understand this correctly — and I’m pretty sure I do — you could have a Nazi Klansman child pornographer and Tom Cruise vying for the same role in a movie and there’s 99% chance that the studio would go with the Jew-hating pedophile in Grand Wizard costume. I mean, you can at least relate to that kind of crazy. It’s been around for a couple thousand years. But volcanoes full of hydrogen bombs and operating thetans and past lives and secret levels, well, that doesn’t make any goddamned sense. I’m pretty sure that’s why they invented electroshock therapy and straight jackets in the first place.

Katie arriving at The Late Show With David Letterman, plus some vintage crazy Tom Cruise and after the jump:

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Tom Cruise’s acceptance speech for the Scientologist IAS Freedom Medal of Valor in 2006 has made its way online, and is of course being yanked as fast as it’s put up, probably because the highlights include him saying:

A Scientologist… has the ability to create new and better realities and improve conditions.

Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident… you know you have to do something about it because you know you’re the only one that can really help.

We are the authorities on getting people off drugs, we are the authorities on the mind, we are the authorities on improving conditions.

We can rehabilitate criminals.

I have to tell you something – it is rough and tumble, and it’s wild and woolly, and it’s a blast, it’s a blast.

Coincidentally, more details are being leaked from Andrew Morton’s unauthorized biography that somehow make Tom sound even more fucking insane than he does in the above video clip. Like this little tidbit, via Us Weekly

Before his whirlwind romance with Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise tried wooing Jennifer Garner. In Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography, Morton writes that Cruise left messages on the Alias star’s voice mail in 2004 asking “if she knew what freedom was,” but his advances were rebuffed.

What the hell kind of pickup line is that? That’s goddamn terrifying. He might as well have left a message saying “I once killed a drifter to get an erection” or “I like to see how close I can swing a fireplace poker to your head without bashing your skull in while you’re sleeping.” That kind of talk usually doesn’t get you anything but a trip to police station and a restraining order.

Paula Abdul experienced another one of her infamous drug-free meltdowns at Los Angeles International Airport over the holidays. MSNBC quotes an eyewitness as saying

“[Paula] had an insane nervous breakdown that lasted 10 minutes… One minute she was hyperventilating and on the verge of passing out; the next she was yelling into her cell phone in this deep, rage-filled ‘Poltergeist’ voice. She kept screaming three names over and over — Michael, Sidney and Leslie. Everyone was staring at her, but she didn’t care.”

I’ve seen The DaVinci Code and National Treasure, so I know nonsensical gibberish is almost always a secret code or anagram. Which means — dun dun DUN — that Paula was trying to tell us something here. And then it occurred to me that the letters in the names “Michael,” “Sidney” and “Leslie” can be arranged to spell SMELLY INLAID CHEESE¹. Which obviously means that a bunch of Freemasons buried a secret message somewhere in a vat of stinky Limburger to protect the bloodline of the Christ. Of course, it could also mean that Paula hid all her Vicodin in Ziploc full of ricotta so none of those bastard airport leprechauns would steal from her again. It’s hard to know for sure without using the Fibonacci sequence or being completely batshit insane.

¹_{They can also be arranged to spell YE LEECH SMILE ISLAND}

Paula at the 9th Annual Family Television Awards Dinner last month:

Further details have emerged as to what precipitated Britney Spears’ maniacal breakdown last night, and it seems all started with the court-appointed monitor calling the cops when Britney refused to hand over the boys. People magazine says

A source [says] it was the pop star’s court-appointed child monitor who called police. “She had already put Preston in the car when Britney locked herself in a room with Jayden,” says the source. “The cops came and got through the door and tied her down to a gurney.” Britney Spears was placed on [72-hour] lockdown for a mental evaluation Friday.

Curiously, blood tests indicate that Britney Spears was NOT under the influence of drugs or alcohol when she was physically removed from her home last night, meaning the hysterical laughter I mentioned before was of the straight-up lunatic variety. Hey, maybe being tied to a stretcher is funnier than it looks! How would you know? Maybe one of the EMT’s farted when he heaved the gurney into the back of the ambulance. Farts are funny! A source close to the Spears family told Life & Style

“Her blood test just came back, and, thank God, it was clean. There are no traces of drugs or alcohol of any kind.” This indicates that her odd behavior was not the result of substance abuse, as early reports suggested.

Somehow, that just makes it seem worse. Laughing maniacally and flailing around like a beached sturgeon is par for the course if you’ve scarfed down a quarter bag of mushrooms. If you’re stone cold sober and tripping the light fantastic, you’re staring down a lifetime of electroshock and penning your memoirs in your own feces on the padded walls of your cell.

UPDATE 1: Now with leg restraints!

UPDATE 2: Not the custody lock she was looking for! Us Weekly says her visitation rights have been “suspended pending further order of the court until January 14. There will then be a hearing to determine where the case goes.”

Video footage from last night: