Kate Hudson has dumped Owen Wilson for seven-times Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong. Kate flew to Lance’s Texas home on Friday for weekend filled with romance and absolutely no suicide watches. The Daily Mail says

“When Kate was with Owen, she got to know Lance really well but they hooked up again recently at a dinner party thrown by a mutual friend and that’s when the romance began. They have both been keeping it very quiet. Kate and Lance have been dating for a couple of weeks. She and Lance are both physical, passionate people – she’s never been happier.”

Well, if you’re going to start dating Lance Armstrong, you need to steer clear of several trigger phrases that are well-known to upset him. I can’t stress this enough. I keep a handy list in my pocket at all times, just in case I come back as a bicycle or a desperate slut in my next life. I present to you

10. The expression “you’re really on the ball today!” Try “you’re exceedingly capable” or “good job” instead.

9. Patrick Ball, legend of Celtic harp and spoken word. Enough said.

8. “The ball’s in your court.” Um, no it’s not, you insensitive jerk.

7. “The ol’ ball and chain.” Is that some kind of “Lance Armstrong on a bicycle” joke? Shame on you, sir. Shame on you.

6. “Ball pythons.” Just trust me on this one.

5. “Ball State University.” The Mid-American Conference upsets most people, actually.

4. “Break your balls.” Oh, aren’t they broken enough for you?

3. “Ballindalloch Castle.” Frankly, it was never the same after the first Marquess of Montrose burned it to the ground.

2. “Ball Park Franks.” They plump when you cook ‘em.

1. “Testing for Erythropoietin Stimulating Agents.” Also the “Union Cycliste Internationale” and the “World Anti-Doping Agency.” Those guys are a bunch of serious hard-ons.

Kate at the “Fool’s Gold” premiere last month with Matthew McConaughey:

Jennifer Aniston and singer John Mayer were seen sharing a romantic lunch at Michael’s Genuine Food & Drink in Miami over the weekend. Granted, this has Ashton Kutcher’s Pop Fiction-y stank all over it, but Jen’s just desperate enough to make it believable. According to OK! Magazine

During their 90-minute meal, Jen, ordered the chopped chicken salad while John, 30, enjoyed a Serrano ham sandwich. The… two shared a chocolale and peanut butter layered dessert. Later that evening, the two met up for dinner at Casa Tua on South Beach.

Sounds like love is on the menu for these two sexy stars!

All I know is if some guy in coveralls tells you “love is on the menu tonight,” you need to find some Vaseline and whiskey pronto. And also, saying “love is in the air” is way funnier than saying “whoever smelt it dealt it.” Words to live by, my friends! Words to live by.

Jen on the set of “Marley and Me:”

Australian actress Sophie Monk helped herself to a big ol’ slice of Paris Hilton leftover pie by swapping her ex-boyfriend for Paris’. Sound confusing and riddled with genital blisters? Grab a spoon and dig in! Star Pulse says

[Sophie] split from rocker fiance Benji Madden at the beginning of 2008 and now she has been spotted out and about with his new girlfriend Paris Hilton’s ex, Alex Vaggo. Vaggo, a former pizza delivery boy, dated Hilton last year.

So, in short, each is banging the other’s ex. Marvelous. Well, you can’t undo the skank of Paris Hilton once you’ve been branded with it. Like a Aryan Nation tattoo or the term “registered sex offender,” it will serve to haunt you the rest of your days. Not to mention make volunteering as Den Mother or Black History Ambassador next to impossible.

Sophie necking with Kristin Cavallari outside the gym last week:

Paris on Germany’s small screen gem “Wetten, dass?” this weekend:

After months of claiming to be “just friends,” singer Rihanna has finally been busted making out with R&B star Chris Brown. The Daily Mail says

The couple traveled to neighboring Jamaica together on Friday for Rihanna’s performance at the Smile Jamaica Africa Unite Bob Marley on Saturday. They were photographed kissing in a swimming pool at the Hilton Kingston Hotel in the Jamaican capital. A fellow hotel guest said: “They were smooching in the pool. They were playfully making out and he was kissing her on the neck.”

So they were kissing. Big deal. That doesn’t mean anything. Really, if I had a dollar for every dude who groped me in a pool, or in a bar — or on pool table in a bar — I’d be retired by now. What’s important here is that “Smile Jamaica Africa Bob Marley” sounds like something dreamed up by the nice ladies down at “Super Happy So Beautiful Nail” and “Poo Ping’s Yum Yum Palace.”

Me love you long time:

For shits and giggles, vintage Rihanna stinking it up at her high school talent show:

Despite being photographed leaving Owen Wilson’s house twice in the last week, actress Kate Hudson claims she likes a man “with balls.” Female First reports

The ‘Almost Famous’ star finds it a turn off when men are intimidated by her actions. The actress told British Elle: “If… a guy has no balls, you’re better off without him anyway!”

When I think “balls,” I think of someone manly, like a fireman or a sailor, bench pressing his own body weight while simultaneously repairing a car and chopping lumber. Not some dandelion-haired fop overdosing on his sad pills. Maybe someone should tell Kate that “balls” and “Owen Wilson” go together like the “Heisenberg uncertainty principle” and “definite position and momentum of a sub-atomic particle.” Oh, yeah — BUURRRN, baby!

Kate leaving Owen’s house on Monday:

Attention all dorks, geeks, and/or virgins living in their mothers’ basements: Harry and Hermione might be dating! Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson spent Valentine’s Day in each other’s arms at The Imperial Arms in West London. Page Six quotes a source as saying:

“They arrived quite late at the pub and sat outside, using each other’s bodies for warmth. Throughout the night, he just kept giggling like a love-struck teen. They seemed totally absorbed in one another’s company… until just before closing time. They then left the pub, heads together and whispering, and headed in the direction of Daniel’s home nearby.”

Boy, that Hermione sure gets around. I thought she was supposed to be Ron’s Weasley’s girl. It’s only a matter of time before video of her tag-teaming Hagrid and a couple of randy centaurs in the Forbidden Forest hits the Wizarding Wireless Network and Warner Brothers drops her like a bad habit.

Heath Ledger was reportedly dating actress Mary-Kate Olsen in the months before he died. People magazine says

Both the New York Post and Daily News reported this week that Ledger and the Olsen twin were dating. “Mary-Kate and Heath were casually dating for three months before Heath’s death,” a source [said]. “They were hooking up, but neither were particularly interested in making it exclusive. They had a bond that was based on partying, and they had the same tastes in partying … like, in terms of where they liked to hang out in New York, what time they would want to go out.”

Which still doesn’t explain the four calls the masseuse made to Mary-Kate the day of his death, three of them before she ever even called the 911. According to Us Weekly

The masseuse who discovered Heath Ledger’s body Tuesday spent nine minutes making three phone calls to Mary-Kate Olsen before she called 911. She then called Olsen a fourth time after paramedics arrived.

A timeline:

2:45 p.m. Wolozin shows up for Ledger’s massage appointment and knocks on his door.

3 p.m. She calls his cell phone to wake him up.

3:17 p.m. She calls Olsen. The conversation lasts 49 seconds.

3:20 p.m. She calls Olsen again. The conversation lasts one minute and 39 seconds.

3:24 p.m. She calls Olsen a third time. The conversation lasts 21 seconds.

3:26 p.m. She calls 911.

3:33 p.m. Paramedics arrive and go up in the elevator to the apartment with Olsen’s security guards.

3:34 p.m. Wolozin calls Olsen a fourth time. The length of that conversation is unknown.

3:36 p.m. Ledger is declared dead.

I know if I’m staring down at the body of an unconscious guy who’s not breathing, the first person I’m calling is Mary-Kate Olsen. If nobody picked up at Movie Phone or 1-800-CUM-SLUTZ first, I mean. And if Ashley were out shopping. Definitely Mary-Kate Olsen. Then maybe the cops if I remembered.

Mary-Kate Olsen in this month’s issue of Nylon magazine

If Pete Doherty’s nipples didn’t melt your panties earlier, ladies, allow me to present a little hot tongue-on-tongue Jared Leto/Ashely Olsen action. Us Weekly says

Ashley Olsen, 21, and Jared Leto, 36 — who dated briefly in 2005 — turned heads while holding hands at the Art of Elysium gala in L.A. on Jan. 12. “They looked like a couple and they were making out,” a witness tells Us.

Think “Ethran, warlock of the Coven of Rasehmen” sucking face with a 45-year old diabetic meth addict turned truck stop prostitute. Then punch yourself in the stomach a couple of times, shove a trout in your mouth and finish up with a thorough dusting cigarette butts and eyeliner. It’s pretty much the same thing as making out with the two of them, only minus the pussy emo soundtrack and the dead animal skins.

Ashely doing a little Sabbat shopping with the coven last month: