Day one of the Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook divorce trial yielded some seriously salacious gossip yesterday. According to Us Weekly

Cook, 49, recalled how he frequently had sex with Diana Bianchi, then 18, in his office and at homes owned by Brinkley. He said he gave Bianchi spending money, and [later] paid her $300,000 to quiet.

Cook [also] spent $3,000-a-month on web porn… and tearfully admitted to pleasuring himself in front of a Web cam.

How the hell do you spend three thousand dollars a month on internet porn? Thanks to vindictive ex-boyfriends and RapidShare, you can see all the vaginas you want these days for free. It just doesn’t add up. I did the math, and at $29.95 a pop three times a day for 30 days, you’re left with: negative six penises and four sets of hands. No, really. Check the figures. The only way that kind of bill makes any sense is if you’re working with a half dozen extra wieners and four additional sets of hands. That Peter Cook guy is some kind of freak.

Christie unveiling the Swarovski Star last year:

Now that Madonna’s seven-year marriage to Guy Ritchie is virtually over, the Material Girl Senior Citizen has been playing late-night “bury the bat” with baseball player Alex Rodriguez. According to Us Weekly

$28-million-a-year Rodriguez, 32, has made numerous solo nighttime visits to Madonna, 49, [sneaking] out “as late as midnight.”

Rodriguez attended Madonna’s April 30 NYC concert; the singer sat in his seats at a Yankees game on June 22 (it was the first time she ever was photographed at a Yankees game). Her son Rocco, 7, also sported Yankees gear on June 25 while playing in Central Park.

If it weren’t for baseball, A-Rod would be serving as a drug mule for a Colombian cartel or playing pimp to a bunch of underage prostitutes back in the Dominican Republic. Now he’s banging one of the richest women in the world and making millions of dollars for hitting a fucking ball with a stick, while me and my college education teeter right above poverty level. Somewhere, the U.S. Department of Education is pulling down my pants and taunting me, I just know it.

Sienna Miller is busy playing homewrecker since dumping actor Rhys Ifans for ex-boyfriend Matthew Rhys — she’s now porking Balthazar Getty, a multi-millionaire oil heir with a family of four. According to The Mirror

Balthazar is married with four children. His furious wife is speaking to divorce lawyers. It is not yet known if Sienna will be named in any court papers. Balthazar secretly flew to London and Prague to be with her. She has spent last week in a Hollywood house with him. The pair have been holed up day and night with each other

“This behaviour is typical Sienna. She loves the power of being able to take a man off another woman,” says a friend of Matthew’s.

I don’t like to brag, but I’m well on the way to being a millionaire myself. And I didn’t even have to use my vagina to break up a happy home! All I had to do was deposit a check from this Kenyan whose uncle died and then send him back the wire fees. Not to mention I’ve already won the British International Lottery. Twice. And I’ve never even been to Engand! Can you believe that? I’ve already sent them my checking account and routing numbers; now I’m just waiting for the deposit. I guess I’m just what you folks might call “lucky!”

At “The Edge of Love” premiere in Scotland:

At the same premiere in London:

The Madonna/Guy Ritchie divorce is definitely on, with Madonna reportedy upgrading to the same powerhouse attorney who represented Paul McCartney is his divorce from Heather Mills. The Times of London reports

Madonna is… seeking legal advice on a divorce from her husband of seven years. [Attorney] Fiona Shackleton has been lined up by the 49-year-old pop star. [Husband Guy] Ritchie is thought to have had dealings with a lesser-known Mayfair law firm.

Although rumors of a split have been swirling for almost a year now, what was the straw that broke the camel’s back? Besides her being an insufferable egotistical bitch, I mean? Perhaps it was Guy giving the finger to her precious Kabbalah. The Sun says

“Guy has turned his back on Kabbalah once and for all. He also became suspicious of all the Kabbalah crowd living off her money. He told her he doesn’t want anything else to do with it. It didn’t go down well.”

I guess dressing up in costumes for something that doesn’t involve sexual role play and downing $120,000 worth of blessed water a year gets old for a guy after a while. Not to mention that when they were first married, Madonna was technically still a woman. I’m pretty sure he could actually press fraud charges if he wanted to.

Hard Candy press stills:

The same source who told Ted Casablancas back in 2004 that Jennifer Garner was dumping Michael Vartan for Ben Affleck has more juicy Garner Gossip for us. According to The Awful Truth

Sources insist that Jennifer Garner is considering splitting up from her hubby, Ben Affleck. Could this be the reason Jen and Ben are always seen cooing over adorable daughter Violet separately, rarely as one happy family unit? And certainly, those who know the former Alias star well insist Ben’s mama has never particularly cared for [her].

Garner’s rep responded in kind, telling Us Weekly that “there was not one ounce of truth to it” and that it was “100% completely fabricated.” Kinda like an episode of “The Hills,” only more believable.

Jen leaving her home in Brentwood yesterday:

Jennifer Butler-Murray claimed last week that husband Bill Murray’s violent temper and out-of-control drinking were the impetus for her to sue for divorce, but — strangely enough — Bill isn’t the one the neighbors are calling the cops on. According to a report filed with the Sullivan’s Island Police Department (via The Ny Post):

On March 17 of this year, Butler-Murray allegedly got drunk and two of her kids ran over to a neighbor’s house for help. [The investigating officer wrote, "The children] informed me that their mother had been drinking heavily and had [become] physical with them,” the report said.

The report said Bill Murray was in California at the time.

The real victims in all this are the children. So much fodder for “your momma” jokes and so many, many months in a calendar school year.

_{EDITOR’S NOTE: The woman in the photograph above is NOT Jennifer Butler-Murray. The woman pictured is actually the devil.}

Despite denying marital trouble for months now, Madonna has reportedly hired celebrity divorce lawyer Nicholas Mostyn. According to Digital Spy

The singer is starting divorce proceedings against her husband Guy Ritchie. The singer apparently met the legal representative at his London office ten days ago.

It was unclear whether Madonna was meeting with Mostyn to begin legal paper work or if she was just there to challenge him to a good old-fashioned arm-wrestling contest. You don’t get those kind of veins without mastering the top roll and hook techniques, baby!

Nipping out in Cannes last month:

Bill Murray’s wife of ten years is suing for divorce on the grounds of his drug addiction, physical abuse, adultery, abandonment and a partridge in a pear tree. People Magazine says

According to Jennifer Murray, the actor’s alcohol, marijuana and sex addictions were among the reasons she felt forced to [separate]. The filing adds that Bill Murray once “hit his wife in the face and then told her she was ‘lucky he didn’t kill her.’” She has also requested a restraining order against her husband

The Murrays signed a prenuptial agreement in which Bill would pay his wife $7 million in a divorce, but she has asked the court to determine whether the agreement is valid.

When asked if the disturbing allegations made by his wife were just an attempt to solicit a bigger payout in the proceedings, Bill said, “Yeah, I definitely smell a rat. I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think.” Marriage might be fleeting, but “Caddyshack” is forever!

More details in the Shania Twain divorce have come to light, and it turns out that her husband of fourteen years, Mutt Lange, was boning her best friend and manager of their Swiss estate, 37-year old Marie-Anne Thiébaud. People Magazine says

“Mutt and Anne-Marie left their spouses for each other and are still in a relationship,” says one source, adding that the she was a fixture in the household Twain, 42, and Lange, 59, shared with their son. “Their two families would vacation and spend holidays together. Shania considered Marie-Anne one of her best friends. [She is] devastated… this came out of left field.”

Way to upgrade, Mutt! Marie-Anne Thiébaud looks like she could be Sandra Bernhard’s ugly twin sister, and Shania Twain’s, well, Shania freakin’ Twain. It’s like trading in your Ferrari for a rusted out five-speed with no seat and a bent front wheel. And also a grocery sack full of bread pudding where the tits are supposed to be.

Denise Richards hit the talk show circuits earlier this week and denied that she had ever asked ex-husband Charlie Sheen for a post-divorce sperm sample, adding that “any email Charlie claims to have suggesting otherwise is a fake.” Charlie responded to her unsavory allegations in kind by mass-faxing a copy of the email in question to every media outlet in the Western Hemisphere. Rush and Molloy obtained their own copy courtesy of Chuck, and it reads as follows:

“Dear Brooke [Charlie's new fiance],

I don’t want to have a baby with Charlie. I am having a baby in the next year. By myself … my girlfriend suggested Charlie be the donor. So, I did bring this up to him. There are so many couples having unhealthy children. Charlie and I have very beautiful healthy children together. I was strictly looking for a sperm donor, if it’s any of your business. If it were him, I said we would sign a document that he couldn’t come after me and I couldn’t come after him … this wasn’t to have sex with him, it was him donating … that’s it. “

Jesus, all this fuss over a couple of tablespoons of freakin’ spooge. A thinking woman would have paid Lupe the Bunny Ranch housekeeper twenty dollars American to take a putty knife to the walls in the Jungle Room and collect the scrapings in a mayonnaise jar full of 2.5X Buffer/random octamer mix. Of course, nobody’s ever actually accused Denise Richards of being a “thinking woman.” Therein lies the rub.

On TRL yesterday:

Jailed junkie Blake Civil-Fielder is plotting to divorce Amy Winehouse so he can live off the fat of her albums for the rest of his days. At his going rate, that’s about three and a half more years, tops. London’s The Sun reports

He is set to demand at least $6 million as a divorce settlement, telling his lawyers he wants $500,000 for each month of their year-long marriage — despite being in jail for part of it. A friend said: “Blake is convinced that Amy owes him big time. He is telling everyone that he’s got millions coming to him. She’s his meal ticket for life.”

I don’t know who he thinks he’s kidding. One look into those bloodshot eyes and a kiss from those peeling lips and his heart’s going to melt. There’s no resisting the simian way she moves or that trail of little curlies leading down from her navel. It’s like iron trying shed the orbital angular motion of its electrons, and in so doing, shun the beckoning call of the magnetic field. Impossible! But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Amy Winehouse is the sun! Yes, you’ve just entered (dun dun DUN) The Ninth Grade Earth Science and Brit Lit Zone. A dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity, the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, between home ec and study hall. Now all your hall passes will be mine! Mwah hah hah hah ha!

Working her magic in Oxfordshire:

Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn’s divorce has been called off courtesy of a dismissal filed and granted on Tuesday. Us Weekly says

[Sean had] originally filed divorce papers December 7… but the petition was dismissed December 18. On December 21, [Robin] filed her own request for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences.

[After the dismissal was granted], the pair hit an Eddie Vedder concert in San Francisco, where Penn… dedicated a song to his wife, 42, on stage for her birthday.

I’ll have been married six years this July, so I’m pretty fluent in the language of the successful marriage. It’s all about the give and take. It’s knowing when to say “Don’t get up; Let me bring you another beer” or “How about I start leaving the toilet seat up instead of always making you put it down” or “Hey, why don’t you go down to the lobby and bone some Russian models while I cry alone in our hotel room?” That’s what marriage counselors call “compromise,” from Latin compromissum, meaning “you signed a prenup, sweetheart.”

Another model Sean porked earlier this year at the Food Bank’s Can-Do-Awards Monday: