Amy Winehouse sobbed all the way to the London police station today where she is being questioned in conjunction with that head-butting face-punching rampage that happened late Wednesday night. But don’t think a date with the boys in blue curtailed her fun the night before! It’s Amy Winehouse! Don’t let’s be silly. The Daily Mail reports

After a quick session in a local pub, she headed round the corner to the Made In Brasil restaurant, where things started to turn ugly. Amy was apparently asked to leave after she was caught taking drugs in the toilet. She then rounded up her friends and headed to her flat to continue the party. On her way there, she stopped off at a shop to stock up on disposable lighters.

Well, don’t think she can’t afford those Bics, because it was announced yesterday that she had entered the Sunday Times list of Britain’s wealthiest young millionaires with an estimated fortune of 20 million. However, the paper did not specify if that was 20 million dollars American, 20 million British pounds, or 20 million used syringes and scabs scattered around her apartment. But check out that 20 million dollar smile! Four out of five dentists agree that gingivitis is leading cause of tooth decay.

Tears of a clown:

You might remember that Jessica Simpson was hospitalized for four days back in March for a supposed kidney infection. According to insiders, however, it was less of just a “kidney infection” and more of a “complications from a three-week whiskey binge.” I guess it makes a difference when you’re filing those insurance claims. Blue Cross/Blue Shield don’t cover boozin’! Star Magazine says

After hooking up with Tony [Romo] in November, insiders say her partying and drinking are out of control. Jessica’s health problems were “brought on by drinking an obscene amount of alcohol…. She was treated for a kidney infection, a bladder infection and a urinary tract infection.”

Adding to her distress, Jessica asked doctors to give her a pregnancy test. “She was a nervous wreck,” says the insider. “She was three weeks late and convinced she was pregnant.”

Drinking ’till organ failure and possibly pregnant? Sounds like somebody missed out on the whole college experience! Toss in “academic suspension,” “leaving the scene of an accident,” and “emergency room gastric irrigation” and it could be my freshman year all over again.

Photoshoot for her fake hair line:

American Idol judge Paula Abdul rambled incoherently and swayed in her seat in typical drunk-chick fashion during her interview with David Letterman Monday night (urinetastic highlights above). Showbiz Spy recaps

Letterman got a dirty look and a firm “No” from a finger-wagging Paula when he asked her: “Are you drunk?” Paula was holding hands with an uneasy-looking Letterman when the show returned from a commercial break.

Paula did the right thing in this situation. Believe me, if there’s one thing personal experience has taught me, it’s never answer the question “Are you drunk?” honestly. Same goes for “Are you high?” “Are you naked?” and “Are you afraid of Virginia Woolf?” It’s best to just say “I find most people are afraid of living life without illusion. Pretense is the teat from which the masses suckle!” Then march away indignantly and hope they don’t notice your bare ass or all the vomit. It’s gotten me out of more jams than I can count.

Paula arriving at The Late Show with Monkees-themed mullet:

Successfully rehabbed singer Amy Winehouse spent a rousting evening at London’s Bungalow 8 this week snorting shots of vodka. Also known as “Gas Chambering,” snorting booze allows the alcohol to be absorbed into the bloodstream almost instantaneously. A real time-saver for those on the go. Later that same evening, Amy then tried her hand at a funky new dance that’s all the rage with the kids these days called “The Dutty Wine.” It’s kinda like a seizure and aneurysm all rolled into one, but with more herniated discs and torn ligaments. The Mirror says

The five-times Grammy winner [begged] a pal to teach her the dangerous “duttywine” dance, which can cause serious neck injury and pain. A spy said: “Amy was on top form and begged a pal to teach her the dance where you spin your head around really fast while you wind into the ground. Amy was so into it at one point her beehive nearly fell off.”

Nothing says “cool to the maXX” like a lurching hairpiece and a violent appendage-flailing on the dance floor. The only way it could possibly get any cooler is if you maybe shit yourself and tried to shake it out down one of your pants’ legs while simultaneously yelling “Heeyyy, Macarena!” and putting out a grease fire with your face. See, that would be cool to the maXXX.

Post Dutty Wine:

The Duttywine Dance, for those of you who’ve never seen it:

Actress Sean Young of “Blade Runner” and “No Way Out” fame (?) was physically ejected from the Directors Guild of America party last weekend for being a belligerent drunken ass. Young also famously attempted to score the role of Catwoman from Michelle Pfeifer in “Batman Returns” by showing up in a homemade costume in the middle of shooting. Yeah, I still don’t know who she is, either, but drunk people acting like jackasses is funny. So according to Page Six

Young “began screaming in French” when ["La Vie en Rose" star Marion] Cotillard took the stage to present an award [and] could be heard “breaking into song.” But it was when [Julian Schnabel, director of "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly"] took the stage to make a brief speech “that she really went kook, yelling at him to ‘get on with it’ and to ‘move it on’… Julian yelled back at her to ‘have another drink, honey’ and started to leave the stage before the crowd yelled at him to stay. He continued to talk and Sean stood up and made a big production of putting on her white fur coat, walking around in a circle and then taking her seat again.” Finally, when a team of security guards swooped in to remove Young, “she tried to throw a punch at [them].”

And then a bunch of Hollywood kiss-asses intervened and sent the S.S. Partytown to rehab yesterday. It’s a damn shame. Sean Young is exactly what all of those boring awards shows were missing. Someone to liven up the ceremony and make it watchable — scream a little, sing a little, swear in another language and throw a couple of punches. The bastards escorted her out right before her pièce de résistance Saturday, which I have on good authority involved her bare boobs and a surprise vomit on an unsuspecting patron before Chris Farleying a buffet table loaded with champagne glasses. You can send all your complaints and hate mail directly to the Director’s Guild of America, 8436 W 3rd St Ste 900, Los Angeles, CA 90048.

Sobriety keeps eluding Lindsay Lohan, probably because she hits the club scene three nights a week surrounded by the same crowd she kept before rehab. According to Rush and Molloy

The “I Know Who Killed Me” star knocked back “at least two” vodka cocktails Friday night at the Beatrice Inn and later snapped at snappers trying to take her picture. Lohan, who checked out of a Utah rehab center in October, downed the drinks while partying with ex-boyfriend Stavros Niarchos and MTV reality “star” Brody Jenner, sources tell us.

“Lindsay is learning how to work through her addictions and, once in a while, she chooses to have a cocktail,” says a friend, attempting to explain. “People overexaggerate her behavior when in fact on Friday night, many people commented to her on how composed she was.”

No one comments on how “composed” you are when you’re stone cold sober. The only time composure is noticed by your party-going peers is when you’ve had eight martinis and a couple of lines in the bathroom and you can still walk and not slur your words. Then they say stuff like “Man, she’s been drinking like a fucking sailor all night and she hasn’t fallen down yet! Unbelievable!” And then another friend might add “Yeah, but ten bucks says she passes out under that table in fifteen minutes.” And then another would pipe up “I’ll take that bet!” and someone else chimes in with a “Care to make it interesting? Twenty says she gets fucked in the bathroom before she actually blacks out under the table.” “In the ass or the vagina?” “Double or nothin’ she gets it in both!” Then a chorus of laughter and high-fives. Just watch the video of my 21st birthday again and you’ll see that I’m right. Believe me, for the first twelve or so minutes of the party, everybody keeps saying how composed I look. Then they wink and tip back an imaginary bottle and do that tongue-in-cheek thing for blowjobs and mime throwing up. My friends are all a bunch of assholes.

Lindsay out Saturday night:

Recent photos of Tara Reid looking like she ought to be crouched over a bowl of gruel and crawling with flies have sparked rumors that she could have anorexia. Not so, the “actress” says. She tells OK! Magazine

“I’m not too thin. I go up 10 pounds, I go down 10 pounds. I was thin for a movie that I just finished… What have I ever really done? Dance on a table? Who doesn’t drink with their friends and have a good time? If I have a drink in my hand, it doesn’t make me an alcoholic. If I want a glass of wine, I want a glass of wine!”

Then some emphatic table pounding and frantic breathing and a couple of lower eyelid twitches before she turned the bottle up and polished off its contents in a single gulp. “Besides,” she added as she lit her cigarette, “I eat meat all the time. You know — pant sausage, pork loin, tube steak, one-eyed salami, meat balls and gravy, trouser snake, bologna…”

Tara in Indonesia last month:

Get ready to replace that Paris Hilton CD you’re always crankin’ in the car with the latest studio release from Lindsay Lohan. Female First reports

Lindsay Lohan is set to record a new album - tentatively titled ‘Nobody’s Angel’ - because she is under contract to Universal Music Group. A music insider [said]: “She is only recording another album because of a contractual obligation to Universal.” However, one of Lindsay’s employees insists the star is looking forward to returning to the recording studio, saying: “Lindsay always planned to release a third album.”

The only thing that could make a Lindsay Lohan album any better? A drunk Lindsay Lohan! According to Gatecrasher

“[Lindsay] has been drinking a little bit,” a pal tells us. “Over her week in New York, she did have a few drinks.” A separate source tells us that she had at least one big fight with her Utah beau, Riley Giles, who joined the Lohan family for the holiday. But the first source says Lindsay’s alcohol intake was in moderation. “For Lindsay, her real problem was drugs, not alcohol,” says the friend. “The drug use was way more intense than her party drinking. As long as she isn’t doing drugs, she’s okay.”

If anything could drive me to start drinking again, it’d be the realization that I’m having intercourse with some faggy Brandon Davis look-a-like snowboarder. Snowboarding ranks somewhere in between “Double Dutch Champion” and “Greenbrier Mall Arcade Manager” on the scale of “Jobs That by Their Very Nature Squelch Any Possibility of Quality Tail,” or JTBTVNSAPQT as it’s commonly referred to in The Wall Street Journal. I’m still not entirely sure what this “NASDAQ” they’re always referencing stands for, but you can bet your sweet bippy that if it has something to do with snowboarding, the S and D stand for “super duper” and that last Q means “queer.”

Lindsay in an equally faggy hat: