Is Eva Longoria really pregnant? Does anybody really care? The Daily Mail says

The Desperate Housewives star stepped out in a loose-fitting purple dress in Los Angeles yesterday.She has been wearing a succession of uncharacteristically frumpy clothes in recent weeks. As such, speculation has been rife on both sides of the Atlantic that the 33-year-old could in fact be pregnant.

Ooh, there’s something you don’t see every day. A pregnant Mexican. We might want to take pictures and record this for all posterity. Who knows when something like this might happen again!

Keeping her hands in front of her abdomen at the ALMA Awards August 17:

The ancient Roman poet Ovid famously wrote, “At night there is no such thing as an ugly woman.” Unfortunately, these pictures of Eva Longoria were taken during the day, and it’s not year before the birth of the Christ. Stick a Virginia Slim Premium 100 between her lips and a couple of foam rollers in her hair and she could be the assisted living super at the Golden Beginnings Leisure Gardens. Yikes.

More of Francine Dinkleburg Eva on set of Desperate Housewives:

Actress Eva Longoria is still denying that she’s pregnant, claiming her recent weight gain is just for her role on Desperate Housewives. *cough cough* LIAR! *cough* Her rep released the following statement to OK! Magazine:

“For the upcoming season [Eva's character] Gabrielle has “gained” weight and cut her hair. She is now a worn-out mother with two kids. Eva has enjoyed a more relaxed environment and will even be wearing butt pads and stomach pads.

If she’s going to be wearing butt pads and stomach pads, what exactly is the point of gaining the weight in the first place? It’d be like wearing a condom to jerk off or watching an episode of “The Hills” with the volume turned on. Serves no point whatsoever.

These pictures of Eva Longoria on vacation in Portofino took the gossip world by storm today, and “by storm” I mean “she looks fat.” Not that there’s anything wrong with being fat, necessarily. Just like there’s not anything wrong about having a lazy eye or psoriasis that thing where your head grows three time its normal size and shit oozes out of your ears. People like that can still live happy, fulfilling lives. They just need to live them somewhere far away underground in a sewer drain, where their fat ugly skin diseases and uncontrollable gas and ear secretions can’t infect the rest of us beautiful people. It’s what Darwin would have wanted.

If you have a birthday coming up, I have the perfect thing to make your soiree a success: a cake made in your own conceited likeness! Like the vanilla rum flavored portrait made for Eva Longoria’s 33rd birthday. Star Magazine says

A baker and an artist [from Edda's Cake Designs] worked on the cake for three hours using a photo supplied by Eva’s camp as inspiration.

You know, it might have been a little simpler for Eva to rent a booth with one of those plywood cut-out holes they used to have at old-timey fairs. Then she could just stick her ass through the hole and let all the guests line up and take turns kissing it. Of course, there’d have to be a mirror inside the booth, too, so she’d never have to take her eyes off herself during the gratuitous ass-kissing. Hmmm… maybe it’s a little more complicated than I realized. Well, you can’t go wrong with good old-fashioned kick in the puss and a “I hope you die in a fire, you stupid cooze!” bellowed out of a megaphone. I know it definitely made my grandmother’s 80th birthday an affair to remember.

The good folks at RADAR online have come across the must-have item for your gossip junkie/pervert loser: celebrity-themed blow up sex dolls! For only $29.95, you, too, can have a go at Dirty Christina, JHo, Crazy Daisy (Jessica Simpson in “Dukes of Hazzard”), Lindsay Fully Loaded, Eva Longwhoria, or the Paris Love Doll. Where do I sign up? Interestingly, the manufacturer was only disappointed with one doll in the collection. He tells RADAR

The one I’m not happy with is Paris, which didn’t come out well.

Probably because it has twice the IQ of the real Paris and is missing the herpes simplex virus. How is a guy supposed to believe he’s porking Paris Hilton if he doesn’t finish with a bout with genital blisters and an overwhelming sense of self-loathing? It’s probably too late to market the sense of shame separately. It’s not like shame’s a big a seller¹ to begin with. Unless you’re the Roman Catholic church, of course, in which case shame funds nearly 80% of your adjusted gross income annually.

¹_{I know my “Pictures of Your Mom Naked” in a Can^TM wasn’t nearly the blockbuster I’d hoped it be.}

LSFW plastic celebrity harem:

Tony Parker might be French, but he’s pursuing justice the American way: with a lawsuit. Tony is suing photo agency X17 for their claims that he cheated on wife Eva Longoria with French model Alexandra Paressant. TMZ reports

In the lawsuit, Parker alleges X17 defamed him, claiming, “X17 had to know that the story was false, or at the very least, it had to have entertained serious doubts about the credibility of its supposed source.” The San Antonio Spur seems particularly pissed that X17 never sought to “verify the information with Mr. Parker, Ms. Longoria, any of their representatives or….anyone else who might have knowledge of the truth or falsity of the allegations. Tony Parker never had sexual relations with a woman named Alexandra Paressant.” The suit seeks at least $20 million [in damages].

All this ugliness could have been avoided if Eva would have just taken it in the face and occasionally let him put it in the butt. Simple as that, ladies. Trust me, short of lying, it’s the best solution to most of life’s problems. If I had a nickel for every jam it’s ever gotten me out of, I probably could have retired by the age of twenty-five. At the very least, I could have made a really big pyramid out of nickels. I’m talking huge. Believe me, you’re not going to see Eva Longoria building something like that. Someone really ought to tell her that you can’t put dignity in the bank.

The happy couple on the set of InStyle photoshoot last Friday:

It would seem that sex with Eva Longoria is fairly milquetoast, because newlywed husband Tony Parker has reportedly been cheating on her with a French model who doesn’t mind doing a little swallowing. According to Female First

Alexandra Paressant - who claims she met the 25-year-old basketball player at his wedding to the ‘Desperate Housewives’ actress in July - alleges she met Parker for sex at Paris’ Park Hyatt Hotel on September 29. Paressant told X17 Online: “He said that Eva, sexually speaking, does not want to do certain things. She does not want to make love in front of a mirror, does not like certain positions and thinks that sperm gives you acne.”

In her defense, maybe it’s Tony who’s the problem, not her. So Eva doesn’t like “certain positions?” Well, everyone knows that the French really only know two positions in the first place — “on their backs under a white flag” and “cheeks spread, begging the Germans to be gentle.” I’m sure it’s hard to orgasm with your partner sniveling and cowering and asking if it’s safe to come out now.

Eva at the Bambi Awards in Dusseldorf last month: