Usually when I see something this hideous, it’s shrieking like a banshee and chasing me through some kind of open field. And I’m doing that kind of arms-flailing fumbling run — I’ve almost made it, I’ve almost made it — and then I glance over my shoulder and it’s right there on me. That’s about the time I wake up because I’ve pissed the bed and it was all just a horrible dream. No such luck here. That picture of Amy Winehouse isn’t going anywhere. Trust me, I’ve already tried peeing on myself twice. Nothing.

Various candids from the last week:

Fashion designer Roberto Cavalli has decided to make Amy Winehouse the new face of his fall 2008 season. Because nothing screams high fashion like ulcerated lesions and self-inflicted cigarette burns! Nine MSN reports

[Singer]/trainwreck Amy managed to score herself a ‘lifetime of designs’ from the fashion guru. Robert doesn’t want Amy to actually model the clothes on the catwalk, but he’d like her to be the ‘face’ of his upcoming season of designs.

Self-harming and Staphylococcus aureus will be fall 2008’s Birkin bag! Add a couple of naked lady tattoos and some crusty blisters in the corners of your mouth and voilà! — instant Vogue-worthiness. It’s already all the rage among urban elite. You won’t find a man carrying a jar of his own urine or bleating gibberish at passing motorists without a slew of those über-chic Winehouse-Cavalli brand meth sores on his face. Self-harming and dumpster-diving has never been so chic!

Hey, kids! Today’s funtime activity is “Connect the Dots with Amy Winehouse!”^* Connect the sores on Amy’s face and discover the picture hidden within! Use all the “dots” and make sure to have fun!

^*_{Answer below}

It’s a PENTAGRAM!! The ancient symbol rejected by Christianity in the twentieth century and later adopted by Satanists! Stayed tuned for next week’s funtime activity: “Find Twelve Things Starting with “B” Hidden in Britney Spears’ Cellulite!”

The devil in a red shirt: