Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson came to blows at a London night club this week after Sam caught girlfriend Lindsay dry-humping ex-boyfriend Calum Best on the dance floor. The Sun says

Lindsay was having a boogie on the dance floor with Calum. Sam came screeching up to Lindsay, screaming blue murder and throwing punches. She went ballistic. The pair traded a series of blows before Calum managed to pry them apart.

Before leaving more blows were traded in the venue’s lobby. Lindsay launched herself at Sam, spitting at her and clawing at her chest. She was fuming.

The warring couple were driven back to their hotel in Kensington, West London, at around 4.30 am. But an hour later distraught Lindsay left speaking on her mobile phone before sinking to the ground in tears.

No, no, no. That’s not how you do it at all. According to my hours of research — including such reputable endeavors as “Lusty Lesbians on Lickester Row” and “Clitty Clitty Bang Bang” — lesbian fights do NOT involve “punching.” (Side note: they can, however, involve fists). Lesbian fights require plenty of oil, tear-away bikinis and an innocent by-stander/prison guard who can later join in all the fun. Either get it right or don’t do it all, ladies.

“Hairspray” star Nikki Blonsky claims the fight with former “America’s Next Top Model” contestant Bianca Golden at the Turks and Caicos airport back in July has “destroyed” her family. The airport brawl, you might remember, left Golden’s mother with a cracked skull, broken nose and a really sore puss. According to Access Hollywood

The 19-year-old actress [says] that she and father Carl have been “completely destroyed” by the incident in the airport and says she lives “every day in pain.” According to Nikki, Bianca’a account of the incident on “The Tyra Banks Show” on Oct. 8. was “absolute lies.”

Carl Blonsky plead not guilty to his charge of grievous bodily harm. Nikki was charged with actual bodily harm. Golden was also charged with actual bodily harm and is due back in court on Nov. 24.

“Destroyed” her family? Destroyed? Bitch, please. Nobody would even know who she or that Top Model chick were except for all the press generated by the stupid fight in the first place. Besides, nothing can be as tough on the Blonsky clan as the Ben and Jerry’s Rum Raisin shortage of ‘98. Shotgunning cookie dough and freebasing bacon is no way to live, Nikki!

Bonus post-fight airport video footage:

Guests at the Mayfair Hotel and Spa in Coconut Grove, Florida were awakened brighten and early last Sunday by actress Michelle Rodriguez pounding on the door to her room and threatening to withhold sex toys from the inside occupant. Well, you know what they say — the early bird catches the, uh… dildo, I guess. An eyewitness told Rush and Molloy

“I woke up Sunday morning to the sounds of two women yelling, and one of them was smashing the door knocker very loudly. I peeked out and saw it was [Rodriguez]. She’s screaming, ‘Open up, let me in, [bitch]!’

The loud knocking continued for another five minutes, until [Rodriguez] hollered, ‘If you don’t open up, you’re not getting your [dildo] back.’ [That's when] the door creaked open.”

It’s obvious Michelle Rodriguez has had experience in hostage situations, because the ol’ “Dildo Ploy” is favorite of negotiators. The ones who’ve dealt with me, anyway. When I’ve had too much to drink and locked one of my ex-husbands in the hall closet at gunpoint, threatening to take away my ten-inch Nubby Swirl Clit Popper calms me right the fuck down. As do pepper spray and neck restraints, but most people don’t carry that kind of stuff around on their person. Not unless they’re in uniform, anyway. Michelle’s decisive action clearly saved the day!

The hero at the Battle in Seattle Screening After party September 17th:

When you think “sexy hot celebrity catfight,” which two names come to mind? Is it Megan Fox and Jessica Alba? Angelina Jolie and Marissa Miller? Or maybe you’re more of a “Drew Barrymore and Kirsten Dunst” kind of guy who enjoys macramé and living in your mother’s basement. If you are, then today’s your lucky day — it seems that over the weekend, ex-girlfriend of Justin “I’m a Mac” Long Drew Barrymore and current girlfriend Kirsten Dunst both ended up backstage at Saturday Night Live, where things turned a little ugly. Well, uglier than they already are, and that’s sayin’ a lot. According to OK Magazine

Drew was on hand to hang with good pal Cameron Diaz, who was making a cameo, while Kirsten was there to cheer on her Spider-Man co-star James Franco, who had been given hosting duties for the week.

“Drew and Kirsten had a really awkward run-in,” one witness tells OK!. “James had to deflect the situation by making a joke and walking away with Kirsten while Drew then fumed about it to Cameron. But Kirsten didn’t want to be near her, so they stayed far away from each other the entire night.”

Keeping their distance was a complicated matter, as both actresses kept having to step outside for cigarette breaks.

So, ugly and boring! A title only previously held by Hilary Clinton and Carrot Top. I’m pretty sure the average person would be more aroused by The Old Woman who Lived in a Shoe and milk farts. At least the Old Woman in the Shoe knew how to throw a fucking punch!

Kirsten at a Yankees game in New York last Monday:

Singer Lily Allen pulled an Amy Winehouse early this morning, tossing a couple of drunken punches at a fellow club-goer after an all-night drinking session in Soho. The Daily Mail says

Lily reacted after being heckled as she left Ronnie Scott’s Jazz Club at 2am. With a short reach, the punch appeared to fail to connect. The singer’s friends managed to restrain Lily, persuading her to get into a car. Lily’s target appeared to laugh off the attack, looking more bemused than terrified.

I always imagined getting hit by drunken chubby girl fists would feel like being pummeled by two giant marshmallows. Two sweaty, out-of-breath marshmallows that smell like donuts and shame. Frankly, I’ve seen better right hooks crocheting a sweater. Lily Allen ain’t got nothin’ on my grandma.

Not like you haven’t seen it 4,307 times before, but a nip slip in #5:

Shanna Moakler chucked a drink in Kim Kardashian’s face and called her a whore at Carmen Electra’s party in Malibu Sunday night. Girl fight! Girl fight! The argument apparently stemmed from emails Kim sent to Moakler’s ex-husband Travis Barker while she was modeling for his hideous clothing line “Famous Stars and Craps Straps.” Shanna claims that Kimmy wanted more from Barker than just a little “modeling work.” According to Page Six

“[Kim] was sending him text messages and e-mails… when Travis and I were working on [staying together],” Moakler [said]. “She was blatantly disrespectful. [I] wouldn’t even have gone to the party if [I] had known [Kim] was going to be there. I was going to leave, but I’m a human being. I get upset. I wasn’t drunk. She ruined my marriage and my family.”

Kardashian retaliated on Monday by strolling around in a T-shirt from Barker’s line in front of the paparazzi.

“It was in the poorest of taste,” said Moakler.

This chick right here (yes, those would be her panties) has some serious balls pushing the “bad taste” label on anybody. Look, I hate Kim Kardashian as much as the next girl, but come on. Shanna looks like she just got off the day shift at The Taint Bucket. As they say in Greece, it’s a classic case of the “είπε ο γάιδαρος τον πετεινό κεφάλα.” Loosely translated, that’s “The donkey calling the rooster a fathead.” I couldn’t find any Grecian colloquialisms that included the words “cum-stain” and “slutbag,” but I figure “donkey” and “fat-head” work pretty good here, too.

In the “poor taste” t-shirt: