The autopsy results are in, and it appears an accidental mixture of prescription drugs are to blame for Heath Ledger’s death. People magazine says

“Mr. Heath Ledger died as the result of acute intoxication by the combined effects of Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Diazepam, Temazepam, Alprazolam, and Doxylamine,” said an announcement released Wednesday morning by office spokeswoman Ellen Borakove.”We have concluded that the manner of death is accident, resulting from the abuse of prescription medications.”

Oxycodone is a painkiller, Hydrocodone is also known as Vicodin, Diazepam is commonly called Valium, Temazepam [Restoril]treats anxiety or sleeplessness, Alprazolam is known as Xanax, and Doxylamine is a sedating antihistamine often used as a sleep aid.

That is a tremendous fucking waste, and I’m not just talking about Heath, either. It’s a waste of perfectly good prescription medication. Look, Vicodin and Oxycodone are practically the same damn thing, and Xanax and Restoril are both benzodiazepines, meaning they work on the same neuroreceptor in your brain. There’s no sense in doubling up. It’s a total waste of medicine. It’s like wearing a belt with suspenders, or a glittery beret and a shirt that says “I’m here, I’m queer!” There’s just no point in it unless you’re a glutton for punishment.

Celebrity news programs “Entertainment Tonight” and “The Insider” purchased exclusive rights to a cell phone video of Heath Ledger snorting cocaine at a Screen Actors Guild Awards party two years ago. According to Page Six

The footage, which was bought for $200,000, was shot without Heath’s knowledge at the Chateau Marmont hotel on January 29, 2006. In the video, Heath is shown talking while at a private party after sniffing a cocaine-like substance off a table with a rolled up bill in his hand. As he speaks, his face noticeably twitches. Heath says, “I’m gonna get so much shit from my girlfriend. We have a baby together… Matilda, Matilda Rose.”

ET and The Insider released a statement warning the media that they would be subject to lawsuits and fines should they choose to air the video:

THIS IS TO ADVISE YOU THAT ET AND THE INSIDER HAVE EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS IN AND TO PROPRIETARY MATERIALS OF HEATH LEDGER AT THE CHATEAU MARMONT ON APPROXIMATELY JANUARY 29, 2006

ANY BROADCAST OR USAGE OF THIS MATERIAL IN ANY MANNER NOT AUTHORIZED SHALL CONSTITUTE AN INFRINGEMENT AND VIOLATION OF ET AND THE INSIDER’S VALUABLE EXCLUSIVE AND PROPRIETARY RIGHTS AND WILL CONSTITUTE INFRINGEMENT AND TORTIOUS INTERFERENCE BY THE INFRINGER, EXPOSING THE INFRINGER TO SUBSTANTIAL MONETARY DAMAGES.

And that’s when the producer dipped a fountain pen inside the hole where his heart used to be, signed his name in blood and handed the devil an “I.O.U. — One Soul.” Well-done, tabloid journalism!

UPDATE: ET and The Insider have decided NOT to air the video due to public response.

Heath Ledger’s relationship with Michelle Williams wasn’t the only casualty of his addiction to heroin and cocaine; a celebrity assistant claiming to be a part of his inner circle claims his spiraling drug use was on the verge of costing him his only child as well. According to the Daily Mail

“[Heath said that Michelle thought] he was a bad influence on Matilda [and that] she was going for sole custody. She wanted nothing to do with him and… in the last couple of weeks that really pushed him over the edge. He was getting more reckless than ever with cocaine and heroin. His use of downers was also getting heavier because he needed them to sleep. By the time he started work last [month] on The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus, [co-star] Christopher Plummer said he assumed he had “walking pneumonia”.

Heath was not the type to have killed himself. The way I hear it, he went out the night before, he was doing cocaine, he wasn’t able to sleep, and the investigators think he woke up, didn’t remember taking sleeping pills and then took what accidentally was an overdose.”

It’s curious that a guy who lost his fiancee and faced losing his only child because he was so strung out on drugs had nary a pipe nor a syringe in the whole of his apartment. Not a thing to suggest he was an out-of-control addict. Just a wayward rolled-up twenty on a desk. It’s also curious that it took the masseuse almost thirty minutes after discovering his body to actually call the police. Maybe she was busy cross-stitching a sampler or making a soufflé. Of course, there are those who believe that she was busy scouring the place for baggies and paraphernalia. Not so, says TMZ:

[There are] reports that there may have been a sinister plot to remove illegal drugs from Ledger’s apartment before cops and firemen arrived… that the masseuse called Mary-Kate Olsen and a plot was hatched to have her bodyguard remove certain drugs. Authorities tell us that’s impossible, because the cops were there the entire time the bodyguard was present and there would have been no opportunity to carry out such a plan. They say it’s a made up story.

It sounds strange, but it’s possible the actor died of natural causes. It could have been a heart attack. Although it’s bizarre that a 28-year-old could die of natural causes, it happens.

They’re right — it does happen. Lots of perfectly healthy men die unexpectedly while still in their twenties. It’s called Bubonic Plague and it was all the rage in Europe in the 14th century. Maybe the cops should look into that, too.

Heath Ledger was reportedly dating actress Mary-Kate Olsen in the months before he died. People magazine says

Both the New York Post and Daily News reported this week that Ledger and the Olsen twin were dating. “Mary-Kate and Heath were casually dating for three months before Heath’s death,” a source [said]. “They were hooking up, but neither were particularly interested in making it exclusive. They had a bond that was based on partying, and they had the same tastes in partying … like, in terms of where they liked to hang out in New York, what time they would want to go out.”

Which still doesn’t explain the four calls the masseuse made to Mary-Kate the day of his death, three of them before she ever even called the 911. According to Us Weekly

The masseuse who discovered Heath Ledger’s body Tuesday spent nine minutes making three phone calls to Mary-Kate Olsen before she called 911. She then called Olsen a fourth time after paramedics arrived.

A timeline:

2:45 p.m. Wolozin shows up for Ledger’s massage appointment and knocks on his door.

3 p.m. She calls his cell phone to wake him up.

3:17 p.m. She calls Olsen. The conversation lasts 49 seconds.

3:20 p.m. She calls Olsen again. The conversation lasts one minute and 39 seconds.

3:24 p.m. She calls Olsen a third time. The conversation lasts 21 seconds.

3:26 p.m. She calls 911.

3:33 p.m. Paramedics arrive and go up in the elevator to the apartment with Olsen’s security guards.

3:34 p.m. Wolozin calls Olsen a fourth time. The length of that conversation is unknown.

3:36 p.m. Ledger is declared dead.

I know if I’m staring down at the body of an unconscious guy who’s not breathing, the first person I’m calling is Mary-Kate Olsen. If nobody picked up at Movie Phone or 1-800-CUM-SLUTZ first, I mean. And if Ashley were out shopping. Definitely Mary-Kate Olsen. Then maybe the cops if I remembered.

Mary-Kate Olsen in this month’s issue of Nylon magazine

Although Heath Ledger’s autopsy results are inconclusive, the CBS affiliate in New York is reporting that illegal drugs and drug paraphenalia were found alongside his prescriptions:

Along with the bottles of the prescription anxiety drugs Valium and Zoloft… [and the] prescription sleeping medication Ambien that were found in the apartment, police also recovered a $20 bill with narcotic residue on it. Sources add they also found several drug packets containing an unknown substance.

Then there are additional reports that the sleep aid he was prescribed came with a warning for those with respiratory conditions like pneumonia, which Ledger was rumored to have had when he died. The Sydney Morning-Herald says

Reports suggest that Ledger may have been suffering for pneumonia at the time of his death, with some speculating the [sleep aid Ambien] may have reacted with his condition. Sydney general practitioner Dr John Gullotta of the Australian Medical Association said “In the product information [for Ambien] they do actually caution against use in people with severe respiratory conditions, and pneumonia can obviously cause respiratory problems.”

So, from what I can gather, mixing a bunch of controlled substances with illegal drugs isn’t such a hot idea. Unless you happen to have a spare liver or like playing Russian roulette without the gun. Also not such a hot idea? Heroin. For God’s sake, nobody ever says, “Yeah, you know, I tried it a couple of times — just for shits and giggles — but it just really wasn’t my cup of tea, so I went back to my life of health and prosperity.” With heroin, it’s always “Well, I tried it, and then I tried it again, and then I was doing it three and four times a day and then I dropped out of school and pawned all my mother’s jewelery and most of my dad’s war medals before I started prostituting down on 7th — that’s actually where I got the HIV and baby — and then I got arrested for robbing a convenience store. Of course, that was before I found out there was this cosmetics company that pays you for all of your abortion scraps. And it’s all perfectly fucking legal!” I guess dabbling in heroin only makes sense for those with way too much dignity and hygiene in their lives.

Video above shows a recent interview with Heath obviously under the influence of something illegal.

UPDATE: NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly confirmed this evening that a rolled up $20 was found in Ledger’s apartment. Earlier reports that illegal drugs were also found at the scene are in fact erroneous.

Actor Heath Ledger died yesterday afternoon at the age of 28 from a suspected drug overdose. Although an autopsy has yet to be performed (it’s scheduled for this early this afternoon), Heath reportedly struggled with a heroin addiction for years and sleeping pills were discovered next to his bed. Us Weekly says

Heath Ledger was found “naked and unconscious on a bed, with sleeping pills — both prescription medication and nonprescription — on a night table.” A housekeeper and a masseuse opened the bedroom and found Ledger. They moved his body to the floor and attempted to revive him, but he did not respond.

Although his family is calling it an accident, it seems his passing was not a surprise to those closest to him. A friend of Ledger’s says

“To tell you the truth… we saw it coming. Heath has gone though a rough road of trying to get sober. Things were very dark… His one joy was Matilda [his 2-year-old daughter with Michelle Williams]. Everything else was misery for him. Unfortunately he was too late in getting help.”

This is all such sad, sad news. Even sadder? Now “Brokeback 2: Balls and Boot Leather” will never hit the big screen.

For the tasteless and the morbid:

You didn’t actually think that Lindsay Lohan could let her vagina lay dormant for more than sixteen hours, did you? Now that Riley Giles is outta the picture, she needed someone new to fill that void he left behind — literally. (Get it? It was a vagina joke. You know — void, hole… vagina. Okay, whatever. My genius is fucking wasted on you. Pearls before swine. No, wait — pearl necklace before swine. Huh? Look, I’m throwing you a bone here, people! Work with me!) Anyway, the latest jerkoff to hop on board the Firecrotch Express is none other than “Brokeback Mountain” actor Heath Ledger. Radar Online says

Lindsay Lohan [is] the latest post-Michelle Williams conquest for actual actor Heath Ledger — according to a source, the recently-rehabbed starlet… texted Ledger for a furtive rendezvous while the two were in New York over Thanksgiving weekend.

Sadly, this is somehow an improvement for both. Michelle Williams was a dumpy troll with a mongoloid countenance¹ and Riley Giles was pretty much Brandon Davis without any of the charm². It’s kinda like getting Hepatitis C for Christmas instead of Hepatitis A, or a your mom’s old three-speed instead of the rusted out Radio Flyer. You don’t really know whether to say “thank you” or just throw up a little in your own mouth.

¹_{That means “she looks retarded,” for those of you who didn’t get the first vagina joke}

²_{Guinea charm}

Lindsay courtside at a Laker’s game and Heather as the Joker in the new Batman movie: